The real reason I cry


#1

My 25 year old son has Schizophrenia. It started around 19 and I have been doing my best to help him live a life that is as normal as possible. Like many people, my life is a strange and unrelenting quest to navigate the mental health system. It’s frustrating and I have to choke back the tears when my son is being interviewed by, yet another, healthcare worker. I am frustrated with inadequate therapy, and medications. I’m fearful for my son’s future. I am emotionally drained from the daily battles. But the real reason I cry is because I am losing my son. I can sometimes see him- how he used to be- and I am reminded that my sweet little boy is drifting away from me. He sometimes looks so lost…and I sometimes see myself in the mirror- I look lost as well.


#2

We all go through these thoughts, feelings and experiences. You are not alone. Just focus on the small bits of progress that you can see on occasion. Don’t give up. Seek therapy yourself if it all gets overwhelming.


#3

KMC I feel your pain. Sz is a relentless condition which affects our kids right in the prime of their lives. It’s not fair😢 Seek some assistance for yourself if you’re able. You and your son both deserve a peaceful life.


#4

Hi KMC, it does feel like we are losing our beloved family members. These illnesses are like other serious illnesses. I had dreams that my son died again and again and again. But they really are still here.


#5

I used to cry all the time, too, when I was with my sz ex husband. The frustrating thing is when they agree to get help, and the system fails you. I heard that sz caregivers experience “endless grieving” for their loved ones.

Your son is young: in many cases sz gets better as they get older. Take hope from that. Also, you may yet find a good healthcare professional, and/or get him on a med he can tolerate.

Be kind to yourself. Try to do something you enjoy everyday.


#6

I know…the loss is heartwrenching.


#7

I agree and understand… I have to remind myself daily my son is not who I thought he was gonna be… I had to have a funeral in my mind… and remind myself often. My only Hope is ;that non of this is a surprise to The Lord… He is who I take comfort in… He allows these painful things we don’t understand, for a reason… and He comforts and gives joy even in the valley. My son is 23 and it’s been a little over 2 years sz diagnosis… and it has been a whirlwind. I thank God for doctors and medication…and even the annoying things my son does… he’s severely ocd too… I just have to love him where he’s at… and sometimes it’s hard…


#8

i understand how you feel, the system could use alot of work. my mom has schizophrenia and it has been so hard especially cause im still a teenager, in idaho they wont commit anyone unless they are a harm to themselves or others. it took my mom trying to kill herself to get the help she deserved. dont feel like you have to be positive all the time because it really sucks and you can cry about it as much as you need, but realize how much you are learning with this experience and the opportunity youve been given to help others! but dont forget to help yourself first. i lost myself too and ive been working on it, i see such a different person from years ago… its heart breaking in some ways.


#9

I want to thank everyone for your advice and sentiments. I am not always negative. I just feel the bad days are far more frequent than the good days. I feel guilty because I just feel like giving up on trying to help my kid. I feel so defeated and I’m just sick of the never ending paranoid conversations. I’m suffering from caregiver stress. I am a nurse and work 60 hours a week caring for a young adult with anoxic brain injury then come home to my son ranting and obsessing- I am seeking counseling, I think I need a 10 year vacation. lol.


#10

We’re here for all of it. You don’t have to try to be positive here. We all have really bad days. I often feel negative and almost always feel somewhat guilty. Counseling helps me. I hope you find some time for yourself. People here have reminded me again and again that all ideas and feelings are part of our lives and part of this forum. Your work hours and taking care of your son would overwhelm three people and maybe be doable for six people.


#11

My son is 34. He is going out with me to the barn and we will ride the horses today. He is helpful and we can have fun together. He cannot work, but it has improved over the years to a livable excistance. Hope it does change for you too. 19-25 were the worst years. It slowly got better for us as time went by. He stopped taking meds a few months ago. He has tried them all. This new one was okay but honestly now it seems he is about the same with or without meds and the side effects are always an issue. He is crazier than a hoot owl if you were a fly on the wall. But we manage and I understand most of the time,. We are like any family. There can always be a conflict of something but we are on one anothers side for the long haul. I stopped crying so long ago. No percentage in it. It is what it is. Hope the best for you.


#12

That’s so good you can have fun together ,wish you all the best .


#13

Thanks! We had a pretty good day! Hang in there, believe me I know how hard it all can be. We had some horror in the beginning. But it has been manageable for quite a few years. He will live with me to the end, I know that but that’s okay. Hope you are as lucky as I am and find some peace.


#14

I know exactly how you feel. I went through the grief process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and am working hard at acceptance. Acceptance is something I have to revisit often. I also went through guilt. My daughter is getting better, but it has been a long journey. I really don’t like the feeling I get sometimes when I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just take one day, tomorrow will take care of itself. Prayers and hugs to you and your son. :two_hearts:


#15

I so understand your frustration! My 32 yr old was finally diagnosed as SZ 2 months ago, after 10 years, and i stopped counting counselors long ago. The SSI psychiatrist, picked by Soc. Sec., inteinterviewed him 45 minutes. Don’t know his diagnosis, but he was denied benefits. Appeal comes up in Sept. Army said ADHD when giving him general discharge after 1 yr, 5 years ago.(I’d so hoped military would set him straight) The guy who gave sz diag is only a 1 year in social worker. He doesn’t want “history”, tho I have reems of that I’ve written. He said. “I won’t read it”.
I’m 70, and not in great health! He can stay with me in my home as long as I can. Then what!
He’s ok here. I understand him and his delusions. He feels “safe”, as long as im here and he has his cat.:persevere::disappointed_relieved:


#16

So sorry you have to go thru all this, but you are not alone. We all understand the frustrations, sorrows, and fears you are going thru and have been there or are going thru it also. Don’t give up hope, I pray your son gets his benefits soon and can eventually find a government subsidized housing. That will take a little of the worry and pressure off you.


#17

My hope is in the Lord, too. He’s the only way I can get through this.


#18

The reason I cry is I can’t bear to see my 23 year old son suffer anymore. I hate the paranoia, I hate the horrible voices and I hate the social isolation and I hate the poor hygiene and the constant obsessing. I am drained from it all and feeling very depressed and like I don’t want to participate in life myself. Having a really bad day and of course so is my son.


#19

Irene, I’m really sorry you both are struggling so badly right now, and I wish something could change to make things better. I don’t know what can be done to change things for your son, but I hope you can find a way to escape the sadness, so you can feel like a person again.

I’m wishing you a restful sleep tonight, with a brighter day tomorrow.


#20

Thanks Day-by-Day, I really appreciate your kind response. My son had an episode again today. He was feeling better till about 3pm and then started hearing the voices. When this happens his eyes get like black holes and he becomes very disoriented. I was over visiting him and his episode came out of the blue. Needless to say it is so awful for him, no quality of life. He doesn’t want to switch from his 20 mg zyprexa , so not much we can do. What is the update on your boy?