Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Time to call adult services ? Please help me

So I haven’t posted on her for a few months now because I pretty much just threw my hands in the air and gave up on trying. A little about my situation is : My fiancé’s mother is the paranoid schizophrenic and we see her daily cause we live on the same property as her and her husband just in a different house . She’s 60 and has very severe symptoms everyday all day. Ever since my baby was born ,her granddaughter her attitude towards me has changed and she has never once held my daughter which is fine but she is always very rude to her (she’s just a baby in fact turns 1 today) she says very vulgar and disgusting things about me and her husband and always tells me go talk to her husband like a jealous teenager. This makes me very uncomfortable always . Everyday. The moment I walk in the door she starts and will constantly tell me to “get my baby” when her husband is having any interactions with her or will ask him if they can leave over and over again or when will I be leaving . My daughter tries to smile at her or baby talk at her and she glares at her and says come get your baby. She even has blown her e ciggerette smoke right in her face a few times . I’ve threatened to break her precious e cig if she does it again so it hasn’t been much of an issue lately. I don’t allow her to smoke it when my daughter is in the house and that’s a constant reason why she wants her not around or me but is too lazy to get up and smoke out the back door. (As you can see as I’m typing this my anger just fumes and I absolutely hate that I’ve gotten this way) . Just the other day I had my daughter in stroller and wheeled her to front door and kept it open so I could use their microwave really fast for a bottle and she told me “shut the door” and I told her the baby is outside and I want her to be able to see me so she doesn’t get scared and as soon as I turn my back she goes and slams the door on her face . Then tries to say she didn’t know she was literally right in front of the door sitting in her big black very visable stroller . And she apparently didn’t hear me. I freaked out . The next day I walk in and first thing she says to me is why don’t I go talk to her husband as if it’s innapropriate for me to do so along with her perverted thoughts , I snapped and said if you have nothing nice to say just don’t talk to me! I’m fucking sick of it it’s weird creepy and disrespectful and she’s disgusting for talking to me like that. I shouted this stuff and told her I’m fucking done with her treating me this way . And my daughter. I’ve been told on her that mentally ill people have a choice whether to be nice or mean and she chooses to be mean constantly.
I know her medication is not being taken correctly and that’s another big problem We are having. My daughter does spend time in their house and just recently I cleaned their house for them and found about 30 blue pills in their couch and was told by her husband those were her main pysch meds . I looked up online and learned they can cause irreparable damage to my daughter even death .
Her husband works everyday never home to take care of her ,hands her the medication when he remembers at some point in the day never same time it seems and she believes she doesn’t need it so they get stuffed somewhere like in between couch cushions or lately just thrown on the floor.
I want to be a good mom and an example for my daughter . But lately there’s not enough praying that I can do to even begin to create a difference in this situation .
I find myself very short fused when it comes to her and I feel like I’m being a bad mom cause I’ll swear about and make already stressful situations worse cause I can’t seem to hold back and stand up for myself and most importantly my ONE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!!
This is causing problems in my relationship with my fiancé and very wearing on my life in general . We are trying to move currently and can’t avoid the situation at all. Or else we would.
Another thing I forgot to mention is we feel that her husband is being very selfish in keeping her in the home and doesn’t/hasn’t taken the time to study or research this illness and won’t take the time to he just thinks he knows what’s best and thinks in his head she’s going to get better . Their house is rotting everywhere filthy bedroom the kitchen has slopped water everywhere so cabinets are rotting dishes are put away with food still on them garbage everywhere rags everywhere stacked on top of food . The living room is the only area that’s semi clean cause we clean it to enable my daughter to be in there. Supervised. Her teeth are rotted out has no top teeth she dresses in messy disholved dirty clothes that never get washed . She will wash her hair in sink where her husband brushes teeth and is absolutely filthy and won’t take full showers . She has an e ciggerette she breaks every single day cause she refuses to put oil in it and burns the coil out cause she will continue to try and smoke it .everyday . And it’s a huge dilemma for her and makes it a problem for everyone else.
She talks to herself repeating the same word over and over or will say things like I didn’t do it , I’m going to the bathroom or Random things over and over . She will make noises over and over and then when asked what she is saying she will say talking to dogs .
Her husband will tell you she doesn’t hear voices anymore and hasn’t in a long time. He’s in a weird state of denial or is holding on to what’s left of his wife even though he yells at her all day long at times very aggressive like behavior on both ends . So it’s hard to understand why he won’t get help for her like a caregiver or a home where they can offer her help.
I’m drowning here and this bothers me so deeply and I need some insight any sort of help on what to do how to handle things how to suggest but pretty much tell the husband if he doesn’t get her the help she so desperately needs it’s to the point where I think adult services need to be called . Without threatening him if possible .
We aren’t doing her any favors I don’t feel and it’s so unfair and cruel cause I know it’s not really her anymore .
Please help and I’m sorry for rambling I’m just trying to explain as much as possible .

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this…It is OK to vent your anger here. Have you been…can you go…to a NAMI support group? I found it SO helpful to share in a face-to-face group where I could also get immediate feedback. I realize not everyone has that option.

It’s not easy in most states to get help for a family member with SMI unless the person is agrees to it voluntarily or is a danger to herself or others if involuntary. You can read about lots of things related to getting help for a loved one, including what the laws are in each state, on the Treatment Advocacy Center website. (I really, really, like what this organization is doing…). And Dr. Torrey (the founder) also has a recently released 7th edition (updated) book (you can find it on the site or elsewhere) that is frequently referred to titled “Surviving Schizophrenia”. https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/

I’m dx sza and I’m happy the father of a 1 year old. People with sz don’t handle stress and disruption well, I know how hard it is to handle my son when he gets fussy and I love him dearly. It’s probably not good for her to have a baby around

I sympathize with your situation, not sure what id do, but moving would be in the top of my list.

Put some space between you and them. Let them decide what’s best for them. I wouldn’t get protective services involved, it shouldn’t be your cross to bear

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I’m with Moonwalker - move for both your safety and sanity.

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An unmedicated person is most likely NOT able to control their behavior when psychotic. I used to be at such a loss at how mean my daughter could be when she was ill and not on medicine. She was not choosing to be mean, it was the paranoia of the illness.

Honestly, you probably will not be able to get either of your fiance’s parents to change; her because her illness is so severe, and him because he is probably coping in the only way he knows how. If she is medicine non-compliant, a month long injection would most likely be the right step, however, you yourself cannot force that issue. The husband probably cannot afford help for her, or a long term care option, I am guessing.

It does sound to me like you and your fiancee should talk about this. He is the correct person to get his dad to care for his mom. It may be that he will choose to let his dad and mom live the way they are. If that is the case, you might have to leave the home with your child. I can foresee that this situation will only worsen unless she gets properly medicated.

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Thank you for your input . Yes he can very much afford treatment caregiver or long term care for her just chooses not to.
My fiancé feels the same exact way I do and doesn’t know how to really talk his dad into doing something healthy for her as he feels he knows what’s best.

Something healthy for her? OK, if the father is happy the way it is, so be it, there is nothing anyone anywhere that can make it better. period, sounds like the father has plenty of money, so it is totally his choice how he handles this.

The problem is not the SZ mother or the father. The problem is your choice as to live where you do. All these things you mentioned are pretty much trivial and normal for a SZ… Learn to live with it or move on… Simply never let the SZ hold the baby, NEVER… I can afford to send my wife away forever, NO DAMN WAY…

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Education is key to helping a loved one. People who really care about a loved one will learn all they can and seek help. I understand that things interfere sometimes, like lack of resources or cultural denial of illness. It is easy to believe the person with serious mental illness is choosing his or her own behavior, but as mentioned before, people in psycosis do illogical things. My spouse and I learned so much from a NAMI Family to Family class offered at no cost and more from a NAMI Family support group. Or even getting info from the website was helpful. NAMI.org. Also the book “I’m Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help.”

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Everyone has a choice but an SZ person may not always function in reality so their choices don’t often make sense.

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