With all you have described, she’s probably suffering from borderline personality disorder. I won’t sugar coat it. Living under a parent like that can be hell. I did it myself for 33 years before I finally left not just her house but the country! To say that they know how to manipulate, guilt you and put you down would be an understatement. My mother was like that. One minute she’s telling me to go out for an evening and enjoy my friends, and then when I get home, screaming at me for doing so. I could never make her happy. Never knew what I was going to get every time I walked in the door after a day at work. She’d persistently convince herself that I was coming up with plots to make her life hell, such as putting her in a nursing home. One day, she signed off to donate her body to scientific research when she died just to spite me. She said it was because I was too selfish to pay for her funeral. I hadn’t ever muttered a word about that. When I got engaged, she felt threatened and kicked me out of the house. When I finally did leave, it took a lot of therapy to get me to the point of living the kind of life I deserve and to do so without feeling a sense of guilt and low self-esteem. I’m still working on the anger, and it’s been 7 years since I left home and 2 years since my mother died. And I’m in my late 30s and have a family of my own.
You cannot underestimate the affects that someone with such an illness can have on you. Your anger is natural. It’s your body’s fight response to the reality of being repeatedly threatened and manipulated. So take it as a good sign that you are feeling what normal people should feel in your situation. You shouldn’t apologize for that, and you do need to get it out of your system. I still think it would be a wise move to get professional help for yourself (counseling) in doing so. It’s not an admission at all that there’s anything wrong with you. To the contrary, you’ve been abused and you need support in getting through that. I’ve said here before that I adopted borderline coping traits myself from being raised by a parent with the illness. My husband needed therapy himself to get past that and it has helped both of us alot. Unlike your wife however, I admitted I had a problem and needed to change. Doesn’t sound like you’re going to get that from her and you’ve quite rightly removed yourself from that.
I will say that I wished as a child that I had a well parent who was able to support me in that life I was living, but that was not the case. My father had schizophrenia and there’s no way I could have lived alone with him. He could barely care for himself. They say that persons with mental health issues will often gravitate towards partners who are the same, and that was indeed the case in my family. My parents were engaged two weeks after they met and married two months later. It was a train-wreck waiting to happen. My point is, sounds like your boys have one parent (you) that has their interests at heart and is mentally stable. And that’s a HUGE deal for them right now.
Yes, you are in a difficult situation right now, but it is not as hopeless as it seems. Borderline sufferers do not do as well when the target of their abuse up and leaves. They’re left without a target for the abuse and they gradually do break down. I am certain others will eventually start to see the behavior for what it is. I know you think she’s probably grinning ear to ear and relishing in the fact that she thinks she has her way, but that is probably not all entirely the truth. My mother was very threatened when I left. It forced her to see that there was nothing forcing me to stay around and take her crap and it left her more vulnerable than ever. A sense of control is very important in their situation. And if she’s caring for your boys whilst working, then there’s probably no opportunity now is there to go out on the town drinking?! She’s probably complaining to all her friends and family right now because you left her. As you said in an earlier post, one day she’s telling you to leave and the next, begging you to come back.
IMHO, you need to allow yourself the anger. Don’t apologize for it. Just don’t let it affect your relationships with your sons. Remember, they’re not necessarily going to see things the way you do, especially if she’s feeding them negative feedback about you. The best you can do for them right now is to continue to show them love, as much support as you can from a distance, and meanwhile, seek out professional guidance. A lawyer is a good start. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. What she says about you will be pointless in the end. How YOU act around your sons, their teachers, family, friends, lawyers etc etc etc, will have a much greater impact. Nothing changes the fact that you are still part parent and legal guardian to your children.
Make those times spent with your sons special for them. Do fun things together that will help give them a breather and an outlet for the stress they must be under. And keep the topic of conversation completely off of their mother. Children are very quick to read emotions (I know, I’m a teacher) even when unspoken. Your silence about her shall be golden and probably very vital should the courts ever require their testimony from them. Not to say if they come to you for advice, not to give it. Remind them that you love them in spite of the separation, that it’s not their fault, and you are working to make things better.
Meanwhile, document, document, document!! You said she refused marriage counseling? Tell your lawyer if they don’t already know so that the courts are aware. When you do have contact with her, write down anything from the communication that may later be important. A diary with dates is best.
Be a visual and ongoing presence in your son’s lives that is noticeable to others. Attend parent-teacher conferences, sports games etc. If you have friends with kids, try and organize play dates whenever you have your kids so they can get time with other children and at the same time, others can see the kind of father you really are. If your friends were mutual, then it’s probably best to avoid those for a while so that there’s no room for conflict and speculation. If you have visitation at the same time each week, then consider introducing an activity (e.g. sport, club etc) that gives them something predictable to look forward to each week when you’re together. Creating positive memories and experiences for them is going to serve them best in the long run.
It’s harsh, but you can either see the glass as half empty or half full. Staying in that marriage would have harmed your sons a whole lot more than getting out of it. It’s not about winners and losers. This really isn’t about you versus her. It’s about protecting yourself and stopping the abuse so that you (and your boys) can have any real chance at a normal life. I know you feel guilty because your sons are still in it, and it’s true, I’d feel the same way if that were my child. However, look on the bright side. You’re healthy and you’re there for them. Being raised my TWO parents who were dysfunctional didn’t stop me from going on to college, becoming a teacher, marrying and raising my own children. If anything, it strengthened my determination and resolve to be a better parent than I had.
Keep the faith!