He’s struggling and I’m struggling a little bit. I blogged this yesterday and it pretty much sums up how I am feeling right now: “I almost feel like we are on a precipice or the edge of a cliff and I don’t know if we are going to go over or manage to shuffle ourselves out of harms way. I don’t know how to move us forward and away from this edge without causing harm yet I also feel that if we don’t move forward then we will inevitably succumb to gravity and fall of the edge anyways. We can not stay teetering as we are. Perhaps I can but for my son it is not a good place.”
The Adderall then the road trip just wasn’t a good thing for my son. I don’t know if I mentioned this in another post but I don’t think so. My son got into his grandmother’s percocets, missed a couple of nights meds and was drinking. The result was more instability on top of what the Adderall had caused. For about two days he looked at me very cold and calculating and during this time he spoke to his grandmother about killing me. Yes scary and I’m still trying to process this and put it behind me. After we returned from the trip he went to see his friends and ended up with over 2 grams of weed that I eventually found and tossed. Also tossed a small bottle of vodka.
It’s been 4 weeks since I got him off the Adderall but with everything after that he has not bounced back and although I think I managed to keep him from having a break that maybe all that I have managed to do. I’m somewhat emotional right now as having my daughter here this last two weeks has been great but she is leaving tomorrow. I feel a little lost and I don’t know how to turn things around. In hindsight my son’s AP’s should have been upped after the Adderall but now I don’t know how to proceed with this without causing his ODD to kick in. Because of his insistence on bringing marijuana into the home I had a program called Ready4Life contact us. They help to transition people into independent living. His attitude is that he is an adult and can do whatever he wants ex: smoke weed. Yes he can but not in my home. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Stand up for myself and my home and risk stressing him into a break or back down and basically allow him to have another break. Either way we both lose.
I have tried to talk to him about upping his AP’s for a bit until he can get over feeling so stressed. He knows that he is what he is calling stressed and needs help but he is trying to get benzo’s prescribed. He knows that he can’t make me understand what he is going through. I don’t think he can see that what he is experiencing seems to be his schizophrenia. His life can not in my opinion get any easier so it’s his ability to cope that needs to be looked at. I have questioned if he actually has schizophrenia or psychosis NOS but in light of what is happening I’m thinking the schizophrenia diagnoses may have to stick. We are both new to dealing with the negative symptoms of it and he can only recognize the positive symptoms. He has also been very edgy. Not really hyper like I have seen where he is punching his bed or hitting walls or jumping like a 5 year old (ADHD) but like a muted undertone of something not right. He is up most nights and sleeping most of the day. He was still up when I got up this morning at 5 sitting at his laptop with sunglasses on. Just a little odd…
Also yesterday he tells me that the YMCA asked him not to attend classed anymore that he wasn’t progressing as he should. I contacted them this morning and the conversation wasn’t quit so cut and dry. They have expressed concerns that he is not making any progress but he was not asked to not attend. Smart boy, he doesn’t want to lose his laptop and attending school was one of the conditions of me paying for it.
Yesterday he stated that he would rather die then spend the rest of his life on pills. I don’t know how to help him. A part of me is thinking that perhaps a break would have been the better option as at least then we could start the recovery process all over again which has to be better then him spinning like this.
I’m thinking that maybe a med change is in order. I don’t think anybody will be able to convince him to up his Clozapine as he has never wanted to be on it and I don’t want to cause him to become non-compliant with meds. He has been tried on lots of them in the past but was chronically smoking weed so only the Clozapine seemed to work. So maybe a lateral change will do the trick. I’m tossing around the idea of Latuda since it is also has the same properties as Clozapine? I think… I’m hoping that we can somehow meet in the middle and work this out.
I know I’m usually all about being positive, I’m just a little lost right now.