I’m not sure the background on this post but it sounds like you are in a difficult relationship with somebody not properly medicated for their illness. It sounds like your are very full of emotions as anybody would be dealing with that. My heart goes out to you.
I am single and have been most of my adult life for a variety of reasons so I can’t identify with having a partner in that sense.
I do have an adult son, he is 36 and diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia when he was 21. He lives with me. Things are good right now, he is very med compliant and his illness for the most part I would say is in remission and he is sober and cooperative.
When he was 21, things were very different. He was unmedicated, addicted to anything he could find to alter his mind, and constantly running away and up to no good. In short he was a nightmare.
I don’t have solutions for you sadly --I really wish I did. What I do have is what I have learned from the many years I have spent trying to save my son’s life and get him back to where he is today and maybe you can take something valuable away from that.
First thing I learned from my son these many years is that I can’t take anything he says personally. He loves me, but because if this illness his love doesn’t always look like I think it should, he will respond and react differently in many situations and there is never a normal that looks just like everyone else (there is really no such thing as normal anyway)
2nd important thing I learned from my son is to look at myself and my own behavior, it is a grand understatement to say that people who suffer from mental illness are very sensitive, they are that and often to the extreme. My son can pick up on my moods, my veiled remarks or sarcasm, my effort to try to hide my nerves, anger, sadness, frustration or anything at all.
My moods and behaviors will always effect him whether he or I want them to or not.
I had to go back to therapy for myself to deal better with him. I had to focus more on the state of my health in order to even be strong enough to support him. It was so hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. I saw the difference though, when I stopped letting him in on my every moody whim.
I learned to remain mellow and rational in his presence and if I couldn’t I would politely excuse myself and say “I need to go rest for a few minutes” and I’d go to my room and gather myself. It improved our lives profoundly.
3/ My son taught me to love him for who he is now not who I hope he can be someday. Neither of us will ever EVER fit society’s norms or expectations but because we fought so hard to get to a calm and sane place in life we can now develop a workable and even enjoyable living arrangement together. With this illness it is one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time and you have to stay present in the here and now and you cannot ever cast blame, it does no good at all.
In order to get my son compliant I had to get full guardianship of him and take over his finances legally so he couldn’t buy drugs and had no resources to run away over and over again. He went through many many meds before settling on the current regiment he is on that actually works well.
His one experience with Abilify was terrible. He was on it for 2 weeks and it made him violent. He has never been violent except for then.
Having a spouse or significant other with MI is out of my wheelhouse but personally I would not be able to handle it regardless of how much I loved him or her. I would want to direct them to where they can get the help they need and then say I will be over here when you get back. That’s just me though. I also am looking at this as a mother with an ill son so I don’t know if I would feel different if I were just dating or married with no children. I know women often pigeon hole themselves into caretaker positions often because they feel they have no other choice. That was me with my son. He had no father to count on, not even grandparents, aunts, uncles or anyone else. I could not abandon him even though I was encouraged to countless times. I called him my labor of love. I was fortunate that my efforts paid off for us. I know from this forum that sadly the hardest of efforts often do not pay off. We all have to choose our own path. In the meantime we absolutely cannot forget to care for ourselves and continue to grow in our own knowledge and self awareness. I hope I have helped in some small way and if I haven’t I have done my best. Stay well.
