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I can't live like this anymore


#1

I’m tired. Im weak. Im alone. I can’t deal with my sons sz and bpd any longer. I want to disappear. His verbal abuse is worse and we fight over his meds all the time. Where is the off ramp? I’ve tried everything. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up!


#2

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We all have terrible days, weeks, months. You are not alone. You will get to better days again. Spring is coming. Breathe. Peace.


#3

I’m sorry it’s hard right now - I’ve been there.

Is there any way you can get him on an injection?
We’re still getting my son’s at the right dosage, but I can’t tell you how much better things got here when there was no longer a daily fight about meds.

If not, since I remember he’s on SSI, which I guess means Medicaid too, can you see if your county has an Intensive Community Treatment (ICT) team? If they do, and you can get him in the program, they could come daily and handle his meds so you don’t have to do it.

My son’s shot gave out on him early & we’ve been supplementing with pills for a whopping 4 days and already I got the “all you want to do is feed me pills and change me into someone else” lecture. He gets another shot tomorrow, but I think we should continue the oral pills with it for awhile - I know a few more days & we’ll be fighting like cats & dogs about it.

Actually worse than cats & dogs - I have 2 cats & 2 dogs & they almost never fight.

It does get exhausting though. I have lots of days where I dread getting up every morning - and if I go out, I dread coming home. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.


#4

My son is on the invega susteena shot again plus 2mg xanax 4x per day and Percocet 3x a day. Plus all the regular pills limictal lithium depocote ambian and phenogrin. That’s a lot of dern pills if you ask me!! What the heck does the shot do?


#5

From personal experience the Xanax and Percocet can start to work against him if taken longer than 2 weeks due to their addictive and harsh withdrawal properties…If it were me and with respect I would ask his prescriber to substitute those 2 drugs for something less addictive that can safely be taken longer term…Like perhaps buspirone which helps with anxiety and can help with sleep…Is the Percocet for pain or an injury? Even if that is the case I’d hope it would be switched to something non narcotic as soon as possible. My heart goes out to you during this tremendously difficult time. Always let your son’s doctor know what behaviors you are dealing with daily… It helps them treat more accurately. Take care.


#6

I feel the same way. Just go with what your heart feels. Mine is just shattering into pieces right now.


#7

My husband has been on large dosages of pain pills before - it makes him a pretty nasty person in my opinion.

He thought I was just complaining, until his friends started telling him the same thing.

The benzos are like alcohol in pill form, so again, not always a nice thing. My son has abused those in the past too.


#8

I agree @Catherine regarding the xanax and Percocet. I see both his pdoc and med doc and have begged them both to change those to non narcotic to no avail. It’s like they believe him instead of me. Even after I’ve shown them videos and pics. And telling them he is selling them for pot or meth. All they said last time was that if he did not abide by the rules then they would drop him as a patient. HOW ABOUT DOING YOUR JOB AND CHANGING HIS PILLS LIKE IVE ASKED SO HE CANT ABUSE THEM!! That’s a thought!! :thinking:


#9

Don’t give up there is oversight at some level, the doctor has an office manager if he is part of a medical group, Ask to have a private talk with that manager or call your son’s insurance company and tell them what is happening, or call the AMA (American Medical Association)…someone, somewhere will listen to you…I am guessing you don’t have your son’s guardianship because if you did the doctor would have to listen to you legally. If it were me I might just start with the AMA. I would underline the fact that you have told the doctor your son is an addict and that he sells them and you have been ignored. There are laws governing that. I think your son’s doctor is being wreckless based on what you have said. One more thing if you want to hold off calling for a minute, write a letter to the prescribing doctor re-stating that he has been informed by a reputable source (you) about your son’s drug problem and he has failed to listen to you so you are filing a grievance with the AMA…that might get him to take action and if it doesn’t then file your complaint with the AMA, keep copies of your letters too…Just my ideas…and suggestions only…things I would do if the problem was mine and at one time it was but I got guardianship to over ride it. Best of luck my friend. You do have your hands full. https://www.ama-assn.org/eform/submit/contact-us


#10

Question I was told that if I got guardianship that if he does anything illegal IM RESPONSIBLE! Do you know if that’s correct?


#11

That is not correct. If you as a guardian are doing what is expected of you and keep good records of all that you do…maybe a journal or a diary–so you have a record of everything…dates etc…you are not held liable…I found an article that explains it but you can get much more information by talking to someone in your local probate court…in addition -you do not have to be named the legal guardian/rep payee if you are not up for it --if the court determines that your son is unable to care for himself on his own…as in hold down a job, pay his bills on time, maintain his own health and sobriety and mental health issues medications and appointments on his own…the court can appoint a guardian of their choosing (someone employed by the court) and they will handle his finances as a rep payee and be in charge of finding him a place to live and getting him to the doctors and making him adhere to a regiment…he will not have any choice in the matter. It’s an option.
https://guardianships.uslegal.com/liability-of-guardian/


#12

I am so sorry you are going through this with you son. This disease is very hard on the family. In the beginning, My husband and I was told the same thing about the guardianship. My son was just diagnosed in 2015. It was very hard on us. It is a roller coaster ride. From the pills, to the shot( which I liked) but my son didn’t like the shot. Please don’t give up! We all understand your pain and hurt. Please go back and read some of my post on how I was able to get my son on his medication when he wouldn’t take them on his own. He is doing good now and realizes he has to take his medication in order to stay out of the hospital. He taking them on his own for now, but I know there will be a time again. I pray that the lord gives you strength. And you’re on the right forum for support. I would talk to his doctor again and be respectful but firm on taking him off of some of that medication. Remember the doctor works for your son. He has to listen to you and your son concerns. Hugs to you!


#13

I checked on that here in my state and the answer is no you are not responsible.

My heart goes out to you also. Like others here, I dread it when they are given narcotics because in the end they cause problems and are just a bandaid.


#14

Gave him his days worth of meds at 8:30am and he has already taken them all. I can’t dispense his meds every 4-6 hrs as prescribed. I’m not a nurse and where’s my life in the meantime? I’m already so depressed I can’t get out of the bed or take shower and don’t want to talk to anyone!! I’m so over this! And my migraines keep getting more and more frequent!


#15

Can you get some therapy for yourself some place? it would really help I think to have a non involved party to talk things over with and they have access to resources too…I go to therapy at least once or twice a week…not sure I would be where I am without it.


#16

I sure wish I could! But I can’t work and can’t afford $604/mth for Obamacare! I’ve been depressed before but not this bad. I feel like it’s a no win situation. If I allow him to stay here then I suffer. If I make him leave and he ends up dead then I will blame myself and I will still suffer. All I want to do right now is sleep the time away!!


#17

We understand and have been in your place before. Do you have a trusted friend to talk to and cry on their shoulders? In order for you to help your son, you have to be stable. You can’t help him if your feeling down and depressed. I remember being in that position and I prayed to God to give me strength. I don’t know if you believe in the God, but if you do please just get on your knees and pray. Ask God to renew your mind and give you peace. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you.


#18

Big hugs. I feel your pain! Damned of you do and damned if you don’t. I kinda wish we all lived close to each other so we could get together during times of need.


#19

Can you see if there’s a support group in your area?
I go to a small one when I can that was formed by some family members who met in a Nami class years ago & felt that we needed more ongoing support.
Whether things are good or bad, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders when I go.
The first time I went was his first time in the hospital - I cried like a baby.

Next, since he’s got disability & I guess that includes Medicaid, can you see if there is an Intensive Community Treatment team at your local mental health department? If so, they may be able to send a nurse out to do med management - even if it means going everyday. I know people they do that for here, and I think it would be good for you to remove yourself from the medication issues.

It also might mean moving him to the psychiatrist there, but that would be a good thing to. The ones at ours deal with so much substance abuse that they will not prescribe anything with the potential for abuse. That might nip things in the bud.

I put off going there for years because I thought they’d be some grungy clinic with sub-standard care. The truth couldn’t be further from what I thought. They are used to working with people with psychosis, especially the ones who resist treatment and think they don’t need to do anything. And, they will work with the dual diagnosis.


#20

Sheyola, i’m so sorry. Many of us here have felt exactly the same. It can be awfully hard. All I can say is it will get better. You do need to get some help for yourself. I think that our resilience changes over time and I’ve seen my husband become more fragile than a year ago. I did encourage him to see a doctor and he thinks his medicine is helping.

I cannot imagine how hard it would be to do this alone but it is all the more important that you set Boundaries and ask for help. I agree with others here that we cannot help others if our own health fades. You too deserve a life and you need to be thinking of things you can do for yourself. I walk and try to walk daily, I attend church, I try to get out with friends once a month. Just have something that gives you some kind of joy and rebuild your spirit. I’ll also pray for you and pray for yourself too if you believe sometimes we forget to pray for ourselves. God bless you