Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

What is this mess?

Hello everyone,
My wife and I (33,married 1 year 7 months) dated for a year before walking up the altar.
There were some issues that I just chose to look over and initially even believed

  1. she said a group from New Zealand ( where she had been a student from 2003…did not manage to complete despite changing 3 colleges as everywhere people were ‘ out to get her ‘) was hacking her phone and listening to everything we spoke on phone and were watching her change and stuff
  2. Everywhere she went she drew in new people like her workplace acquaintances into the whirlpool saying that they too were plotting against her
  3. Once she came home and fought with me saying she saw me talking to a girl at her workplace whom she believed was a part of the plot. I never spoke to her nor was I a part of any ‘plot’
  4. just out of the blue she would fight with me saying I called her a bitch. Of course I did not do that.
    I rubbed it off saying that she’d probably misheard me.

She calmed down but the resentment was there

Nonetheless we got married, the accusations got wilder…

  1. Jesus came in my dreams and told me you are hiding something and trying to break the marriage
  2. she accused me of wanting to indulge in wife swapping with a couple who are good friends
  3. she would accuse me of saying weird and random things
  4. Once she drove the car so rash after accusing me of saying some weird thing that I thought she’d kill me
  5. final straw was after 18 months of marriage she accused me of calling her a CT and a ST out of the blue.
  6. generally she is a very sweet and a calm personality and goes to church at all times but when this hits her, she starts screaming and becomes evil eyed.
    There is nothing I can do to argue with her beliefs
  7. she felt someone was laughing at her on the phone line. I got her phone checked up but nothing was found

She left the house and her parents think I’ve hurt their daughter, when I suggested a psychiatrist visit all hell broke loose. My wife though agreed to the visit with disgust, Her diagnosis came out perfectly okay even though she made some bizarre statements like …
1)He walks behind me and spies on me.
2) He goes out in the middle of the night to drink tea
3)He laughs at me together with friends and security

Her parents lied to the doctor saying that I had apologised to them for my behaviour to her
The doctors said she is well behaved and well dressed and did not show any symptoms of a disorder when they kept her under observation for 7 days

So now, her paranoia against me is grown more … she has blocked me off all telephonic ways of contact. Which she refuses to accept.she stays in the US now where she is studying.
I am funding her education and paying off her loan, she has got no regard for that.
Just for your information she has accused several people in the past who were her friends of wrongdoing. All of them left. She accused them of the same plotting thing.
To her, the beliefs are real and no amount of proof or convincing can help
Some people don’t even know what my wife thinks of them. To everyone she is a pretty young girl with a perfect life.

I love her and want her to get better. But her super overprotective parents and she are the biggest roadblocks. I’ve tried convincing them as well but got bombed.
She says I have been an indecent husband and that I have spoilt her life and that she does not have any trust nor faith in me…

I don’t know how to deal with this … This is sapping me of my life… Is there anyone who could give any suggestions ?

Thanks for reading this long post…

2 Likes

I am so sorry for this…it is incredibly hard when you love someone. Your descriptions definitely suggest a serious mental illness! Who is supporting her? If her parents want to control the situation, they should pay for her loan (unless your name is on the loan). You can love someone without enabling them.
Sometimes a person has to hit bottom to get the help they so badly need. Is she able to keep up her studies? Perhaps she can hold it together some of the time and is managing around the illness.

I suggest keeping a record of all unusual activity that you could provide to medical professionals on short notice should she be seen at a hospital or psych ward. The hard part about that is making it available when needed, especially when she is so far away. But keep a record anyway. It may prove useful eventually.

Look elsewhere on this site for information on “anosognosia” (poor insight), LEAP, and the book “I Am Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help” by Dr. Xavier Amador.

2 Likes

married 29 years here, she sick over 25 as far as I can remember, I own a second home 20 miles away and a girl friend of over 10 years…

good luck, never argue with her as she cant help it, blow it off and live your life, fuck it…

1 Like

We believed everything our son with schizophrenia said for a long time.

We didn’t realize there was something wrong with him as he got worse gradually.

Once you start to see that their perspective is altered (wrong) you can’t unsee it.

You might want to continue to educate yourself about schizophrenia and make some decisions about how to move forward.

It’s important that you try to make it a life that has your interests in mind as well as hers.

Your life is important too.

3 Likes

Thank you s much. At this time she is supported by the bank loan. But I have pulled my plug on the payments and her parents have agreed to support her. She is still a high functioning individual but with very strong persecutory delusions and hearing voices. She had been unable to complete her studies for the last 20 years due to her strong delusions of teachers hacking into her phone. This damned disease is such a Chameleon .
She appears perfectly normal on the outside

2 Likes

Sound to me like she is taking on way to much, stress makes it so much worse.

2 Likes

Thanks Mate, I heard of MI in the media and had no idea of how hard it is until I went through all this mess. The delusions, accusations…
Well meaning colluders in the form of family and friends only add fuel to the fire …
Sometimes you feel there is no God…
I can’t even imagine how those 25 years would have been for you…

Good luck and God bless

1 Like

And her last break happened in the midst of a holiday. So I have no idea if what stress is she taking.

That is core of delusional thinking. Delusions can occur in other mental illnesses/brain diseases as well as sz. My mom has Alzheimer dementia and has the current delusion we are trying to get rid of her. My husband has generalized anxiety disorder and when his anxiety runs high his behavior gets very strange. He is amicable most of the time but he too thinks poorly of other people when under stress. No matter the illness delusions sometimes hit us like a freight train.

I do my best to divert rather than argue. If things get ugly I distance myself rather than engage in a pointless discussion. If they get dangerous I will contact authorities. Now however may be a good time to find out how they respond to mental health crisis v a domestic dispute in your area. This is important as a domestic dispute is designed only to separate and defuse. A mental health crisis team will try to route into the mental health system for help. Which given the lack of cooperation from parents might be a blessing for you.

I wish there really was a definitive answer to your question “what is this mess?” It is a rollercoaster and changeable. For a decade my son has been diagnosed paranoid sz but now there is a question about this. He still is an odd duck (that is loving not derogatory) but his functioning in ADLs is returning. He recognizes triggers. Is the illness in remission? Was he misdiagnosed? Was it psychedelic drug use? And now my middle son who uses mj on a regular basis has developed delusions and cut himself off from the family over an insult we really aren’t even sure about.

Mental illnesses are epidemic and no one is ever prepared for this. I am sorry you are dealing with this, but this forum has much useful information and has helped me through a couple of crises. I do suggest therapy for tools to help you cope.

4 Likes

This is a treasure forum ! Earlier all her delusions were targeted toward a group of people. I’m sure those guys may not even have an idea of what she thinks of them…now all of the delusions and voices are directed at me.
She is mad at me for taking her to a psychiatrist who misdiagnosed her and told we needed couples therapy.
Nonetheless thanks a ton for your input and have a blessed day !

1 Like

“Chameleon” is such a good descriptor! It is probably good that her parents are taking on the financial aspect. Perhaps they will learn to see the reality of her illness and seek help themselves. I encourage you to find a support group such as NAMI, keep learning all you can about the illness, use LEAP, and take care of yourself.

1 Like

I am so sorry that all this is happening both to you and to your wife. I agree with everyone else, stress in many forms can make her delusions and overall illness much worse. She will likely not improve unless she gets professional help. It sounds like her family may be an obstacle to that so maybe it’s best they care for her since they seem to be okay with her illness (or perhaps disagree that she is ill?) for whatever reason. It’s not fair to you or to your wife that they won’t encourage her to get professional help but unless you can get legal guardianship and force her into psychiatric care, there is not much else you can do. Even though you love her you have to take care of yourself ultimately. I wish all the best going forward.

I’ve gone thru 20 years of being the target of wild accusations and endless emotional drama. We’ve lost all our friends and most of our families. The police politely investigate the accusations against the neighbors and the neighbors politely tolerate it.

I’m still very devoted to my sz spouse who I desperately hope will get back on meds. But it’s very hard on the soul and I think few people would willingly choose this life.

I think you should consider yourself lucky that she’s made it easy for you to walk away and start over with someone new.

As tough as this is to say and as much as we may get judged for it I agree! After dealing with MI in my family I would never get involved with someone that has any form of MI! I did my time!

@Dudley I agree with you. I got married in 1973 but did not have the knowledge that I have today regarding mental illness. I often regret getting married, especially since I wasn’t even sure if I loved him or just being a nervous bride; from learning about narcissism, which is also a form of MI, helped me to accept why I married him without loving him - him being narcisstic . My former husband, who is now deceased, did not have severe MI like my son has, but his mother did which would be my son’s grandmother, also deceased.

It sounds like your wife may have psychosis NOS means they don’t know what causes it (not otherwise specified) That is what our daughter was diagnosed with before she was inpatient and they worked with her months & it turned out to be schizophrenia. I think the reason the psychiatrist couldn’t diagnose your wife is because he didn’t have have a chance to “study” her. I thought it was noted that she was “well dressed” because some Psychosis patients don’t take care of their cleanliness. Your wife appears to be walking around undiagnosed. I would recommend YOU go to a counselor who works in this area they will help you maneuver through this difficult time…and trust me, you will need it. It is very typical for patients to deny, hide or say it isn’t true. We ended up having to call the police and have them take our daughter to a hospital… it was gut wrenching & horrible for us… but she literally is carrying on a normal life now & in the end it was the best thing we could have done for her. Our daughter wouldn’t take her meds so she had to go to the hospital twice before we ended up having to do it the way her counselor said to (with the police). She is on a monthly dose of Innova. She has graduated college, got a job and has a boyfriend …all of that would not have been possible in the state she was in. So while difficult it was in the end wonderful!!

1 Like

Thanks Catherine for your reply and wishes,
As of now she has not spoken to me for 3 months and has blocked me off everywhere. Her paranoia against me is for real !
Her delusions are way too strong and her parents have reinforced those delusions. Mental illness is still a stigma for too many. Unfortunately, it is this delay in acceptance that prevents early treatment and by such time the damage is done.
Unfortunately in my wife’s case this is sadly going to be the case
Wish you all the best !

1 Like

You didn’t cause her MI, you can’t control it, and you can’t help her change without her having insight and be willing to get help. Fortunately her parents have stepped up financially, and I’m assuming you don’t have any kids together. At this juncture you should count your blessings and get on with your life and start a new. I may be sounding cold and uncaring, but I’m not. I have been with my undiagnosed and unmedicated wife for going on 26 years and have no way out such as you do since my wife’s parents are retired and not ready to have their 47 year old daughter move back in with them and my wife hasn’t worked for over 19 years and has not driven for close to 7 years, so I can’t really see her getting back into the working world. I can’t see myself ever divorcing her because I don’t know what she would do to support herself. I just realized that this post was 11 months old so you probably have already moved on with your life.

There actually ARE ways to help a person who “doesn’t accept” their illness, but it can be very complicated and take a lot of work. The psychological strategy referred to as LEAP (“I Am Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help” / https://lfrp.org/about-leap) is just such an approach that has proven effectiveness. I myself have seen it work.