I’m so sorry. I’ve witnessed many similar episodes with my son. It could be whatever meds he is on are not working, or, he may not be taking them, or, if he is taking the meds, possibly he is experiencing side effects that are distressing to him. On the few occasions my son would verbalized his feelings, he would tell me how worthless he felt, and that he worried about being a burden on the family. He would ask me to tell him what was good about himself. I would tell him how he was such a kind person, the sort of person that is kind and polite and helps others. He is the guy that would stop and change a tire for someone broken down on the highway. He is the guy that would help the elderly, or give someone a few dollars of they looked like they needed help.
What I have learned to do is to let him know that he is accepted no matter what, and I try not to put any pressure on him to do things. Because, when ill, he is pretty much unable to do anything, and asking him to do things would only make him feel worse about himself. I just let him know that I am there for him, and want him to tell me if he needs something, and that I am ready to listen without judgement if he does want to talk. I tell him I will not give him my opinion unless he asks for it.
Take him a cup of tea when is just sitting there crying. That is a gesture of love and acceptance without saying anything. Tell him he has an illness that can get better, and sometimes it takes trials of many many different drugs until the right one is found, and that process can be very difficult, but that you will not give up, and that you don’t want him to give up either. Bethany Yeiser’s book is a fantastic story of recovery that you may want to read.
I’m so sorry for your and your sons struggles. Hang in there it can get better. It has taken almost 6 years, but my son is finally getting better. He is now 26 years old. He takes Abilify and Lamictal. He has finally learned he MUST take his meds.
WOW I feel like we have a lot in common even the way you described your son…that’s beautiful…I am sorry for you too and very thankful for knowing there are such caring parents out there. I love when I hear about other parents that care so much and seem to know just what to do for their kids. Doesn’t it break your heart when you hear sad stories about how kids suffering from this illness and their families make them feel like they are a burden to them…or calling them lazy and are even embarrassed of them and tell them not to tell anyone what they were diagnosed with…etc sorry I am going off a little…lol thanks for listening
It took many years for me to learn how to interact with my son. We did many many things wrong in the beginning because we had no idea what was wrong. We did think he was lazy, and it breaks my heart that we let him know that. Most parents think the same thing in the beginning. That is why it is so important to get involved with NAMI and other families that are going thru the same thing. Read everything you can get your hands on, and watch Dr Amador’s videos on the LEAP method to learn how to communicate. At least 15 minutes of sunshine a day, Vit D, and Omega-3’s can help with the depression.
Stay strong.
what do you mean kid gloves? I always share my thoughts and feelings with him openly at least I think I do. He is the one who doesn’t open up about anything and the doctor tells me that in her practice she finds teenage boys are the most difficult cases when it comes to opening up. If you have tips and or any kind of advice I will try anything. Other than that my son and I have a great relationship.
I think there is this dynamic called “identified patient” that makes a person with MI feel isolated and different. Since this happened in my family to me and then to my family member with sz in the next generation, I interpreted @martinhersey1 comments as a way of everyone in the family being equal.
When anyone is ill, of course there will be additional support for the person. For that to become a role or identity is not the type of relationship that people wish for. For a young person not to open up about things that might make him seem more different or debilitated, that makes sense.
With suicidality, the suffering of a child (esp. an adult child because she no longer has the maternal power to make it okay) may be unbearable for a mother. He might be protecting you just as you wish to protect him. Definitely a good idea not to leave him alone, but alone in his room or away from people if he wishes. While working towards finding supports that help him.
@talktome, it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help your son. Being there with the unconditional love you feel and the patience of that love might allow you to honor your son’s right to private thoughts and feelings as well as reveal your trustworthiness to him over the long term. Keep being open as a listener and ask him questions every once in a while; if he doesn’t answer, respect his choice. Long run. Patience. Engage about subjects that interest him or you (ideally both) as well as the talk of day to day life.
I wonder that all of the time. Wouldn’t it be nice to know when to step in and when to back off? Sometimes my son cries, and it’s usually when he is looking at pictures from the past or listening to a song. I wish I could get him out of the past. It’s like he’s looking at his old self and wondering what happened. He doesn’t like to talk to me about these things, it just ticks him off if I try; so I take him to the grocery store or pick up his kendama and start playing with it- that’s always good for a laugh.
Have you noticed that things are worse at night? I have. I wish he had someone to talk to at night. However, two friends of his just got kicked out of their place, and I’m letting them stay for a little bit so they can get back on their feet. He loves having them here and is really happy.
You sound like a really great mom. I’m so sorry for what you are both are experiencing. I have been there, many times. It’s like living in a nightmare. Things will get better, you are not alone.
@Hereandhere thank you for your response. It makes me feel so much better and makes a lot of sense to me. My husband thinks I am researching too much and my mind has become consumed with my son and his illness. I feel until I have learned all that I can and help in every which way that I could I will not rest easy…thanks again
@Holly67 yeah it’s certainly not easy. talking to everyone on this site helps me so much. My son too seems to be worse at night or when no one is around. That’s why I want someone with him at all times. esp with his depression on top of it. Its great to know that there are caring parents out there. Keep up the good work. take care
@talktome, is he taking an antidepressant? I think he should. Some people on this site have said in the past that antidepressants could worsen psychotic symptoms, but I recently read a study claiming the opposite, so I guess it’s safe to use antidepressants after all. I think what he’s going through right now is a post-psychotic depression, which is usually transient and most of all treatable. But at the same time you must make sure he got rid of positive symptoms (delusions, paranoia etc) otherwise the antipsychotic should be tweaked or changed.
Anyway, after reading your descriptions, I am confident he doesn’t have my type of schizophrenia. It’s a good sign.
Be careful about this, it’s not healthy to be obsessed over it, either for us who have it or for our caregivers. It’s wonderful you care, but be mindful that when he is ready to take that leap towards recovery he will, and it’s his decision and his life after all.
