Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Why days like "Father, Mother's or Siblings Day" are hard on carers


#1

Days like today are hard on me and I am sure, other carers too. You log into facebook, for example, and many of your friends have left glorious tributes (often with pics) to their wonderful fathers filled with love and admiration for the man who raised them to be successful, healthy adults. Likewise, their husbands who are wonderful men at raising their own children.

This is the first year that I have not sent my 80 yr old father a Father’s Day card. In the past, I’ve always done that, along with a gift, only falsely wanting to “thank” him for being much short of a wonderful father. When choosing a card, I’d always find one with the mildest message.

How do you “thank” someone for years of emotional neglect? For all the times he was not there to comfort me, keep us afloat and out of homelessness, and now, forgetting to send a card on my own birthday, at Christmas, or the birthdays of my child (his grandchild)?

Ilness may be the diagnosis, and therefore, the reason, for it all. But it doesn’t lessen the pain of having a parent, spouse, sibling or child who just can’t seem to connect with you.

Just letting it off my chest.


#2

That sucks that your father wasn’t there for you. I hope you can overcome the feelings of despair.


#3

My mom might not have had a diagnosed mental illness, but she was very difficult to live with, withheld love when she was emotionally upset, and always saw the worst in people.

However, I do acknowledge that she did the best she could with what she had to work with, and while she didn’t show love in a way I would have liked, she was hardworking and dedicated to being a provider of meals, clean clothes, an orderly household and an education.


#4

My father had 3 kids, and none of us rarely speak to him, however I do text him birthday, father’s day greetings, Christmas, etc. He sometimes does the same for me, but not always. It is hard on special days to not feel bitter.


#5

I had very good parents, except for one, tragic flaw had by my father. For years I hated him for it, but after I grew up I saw that he had some good characteristics, and, except for the flaw, he was a good man. Look for any good characteristics in your father you can find. Try to understand how devastating schizophrenia is for him. Try not to hate your father.


#6

Glad she was at least able to be there in some ways for you. My mother was similar to that. My father, however, was not.


#7

I never said I hate my father. Schizophrenia is devastating for everyone in the family, not least of all if you are born into that situation and raised with by a parent who cannot love you the way a child needs and deserves.

I have accepted his illness, I just cannot forgive him right now for the years of pain and neglect. The wounds are new, not old. I visited him last month. I flew, pregnant, 22 hours across the world to do so. And he swore at me most of the time. He took his fist to my pregnant stomach and had to be restrained by a nurse in his hostel. The abuse has always been like that.

Just saying, Father’s Day is hard. I lost my mother, the only loving parent I had, to cancer very suddenly and since then, not a birthday or holiday goes noticed.


#8

I’m sorry you’re hurting, it IS hard. You put in an enormous effort, and you got abuse in return. Its hard stuff to deal with.


#9

I’m not a carer but a sufferer. My father is sza like me, before he got sick he was a great dad but soon he became paranoid especially of my mother.


#10

Societal constructs that can be disregarded.


#11

maybe best just to leave things alone until things change for you or your dad.
When my son acts abusive, I have to step back for awhile.


#12

I’m sorry if I implied that you hate your father. I didn’t mean to do that.


#13

No, I understand that. At times, it’s difficult to love him though. Which is why I am currently distancing myself from him. I need a reprieve or else I’ll say things to him that will just hurt him. In a way, it’s a kind of tough love.


#14

I have similar feelings about Father’s Day. It’s a tough day.