So I helped my little sister make a father’s day card. Aww, so cute right. SHUT UP lol. Out of all the nerve-wrecking energy-sucking things I’ve done this year, this has to be at the top of the list. At this point, it’s more about letting him know I care. I’ve been avoiding talking to him for months, as I decided he has just given up on life, and can’t drag me down with him. But he’s been trying, through depression, pain, and delusions. After all these years though. Suddenly, he’s trying to talk? I’ve always given to the hope that he’s really just in that much pain and it’s not his fault. But I tried so hard to talk to him. I was the MOST open and honest I can imagine being with him. I figured, hey, if I give him enough chances, and be the “best son in the world”, he’ll open up and stop his twisted act. No. Wrong. Absolutely wrong. More insults, more twisted hateful words, more delusional concerns, like a wreaking ball of stress.
And since I gave him slack, I let him affect me… Or maybe mental illness is hereditary. Or maybe it’s both. Idk, but after these years, one of the biggest reasons I’m doing as well as I am, is because I was away from him. And now he’s trying to talk, …just…idk…it’s like an insult in the light of anything close to karma. The harder you try the deeper shit you’re in!? No, I just think life is simply fucked up sometimes. The end goal is balance, and self-improvement, and to get there…to the top…takes some serious friction.
Anyway, it’s probably more paranoia than anything else, but sometimes I feel I’m the only thing keeping him from getting a gun and using it…and that’s what the card is for…to keep him alive. … how…yeah…
But there are no more "I love you"s . No more sensitive shit! That the best formula for paranoia, and more delusions, and days spent rotting over-thinking stuff. Instead I choose to be a rock. A rock that cares. But a rock that says what it’s thinking.
But for now a card…
And now I’m going to go drowned myself with a red bull. I know how caffiene affects sz, I also know how if properly used, it can clear the brain, especially combined with the other drink components. The key is timing, and moderation.
PS: If this post sounded really selfish and hateful, I assure you it wasn’t meant to be. Just a lot of complex thoughts and feelings and wanted to write it down.