I’m feeling lost on how to pick up the pieces now. I am married to a man who has been hiding his schizophrenia for 39 years. I have been with him a year and 3 months, and we’ve been married since February. He does not want to take medication because of the side effects, or even tell a health professional the truth about his illness because he thinks his rights are going to be taken away, or that he will be locked away. I have suffered much physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse during my time with him. Today I finally realized that if I stay with him I might end up dead. The voices in his head despise me, and are constantly going. They want me physically dead or really hurt. In a moment of clarity, he told me that he is like a rabid dog that needs to be put down to keep me safe. I made the decision today to completely block him, not ever physically see him, and to move forward with a divorce. I have tried so much with him, and have gone back to him probably dozens of times over the past year. He doesn’t want to seek professional help, and for my own self preservation I have to let him go. It is best for him too, since I trigger the voices even more when I’m in his physical presence. I need to get on with my life, but I am dealing with guilt of having to abandon him. I live in a small town and there are no in person NAMI meetings. I wish there were. I wish I could just sit down and talk to somebody who could understand what I’ve been through and doesn’t think I’m crazy for staying with him for so long through the trauma, and having gone back so many times.
Welcome to the forum @Mimu1974 , I am so glad you found us. Although you can’t sit down for a meeting with any of us, those of us here DO understand, and you can browse past and current messages, post yourself, and send private messages for more in depth conversations. Loved ones often bear the brunt of the acting out that comes with a spouse, relative or friend having schizophrenia. And of course it is hard for you to decide to leave your husband! You care for him tremendously. That is a big decision. My husband is an alcoholic binge drinker who gets delusional and I recently tried to end our relationship, but changed my mind (again). When my daughter was unmedicated, we fought often, she left home and came back, I asked her to leave or force hospitalized her, and took her back several times. I totally understand how you have left and come back several times, and your decision now. Please don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you did the best you could. It is very important for you to choose safety for yourself at this time. Violence or threatened violence is not to be ignored.
Some of our past members who left similar situations such as yours, have also found support in forums that help people who have been in abusive relationships.
Staying in an abusive relationship is the issue, the reasons may vary, but the problem is the same.
Best to you going forward.
Thank you for your response- it is much appreciated. 
🩷:tulip:
If you feel comfortable to share, roughly where in the world are you @Mimu1974? As you have suffered assaults I would strongly recommend you go to a local women’s charity and explain your situation. They may assist you in talking to the police if you decide to do that. In my opinion this is already well past the point where you need to get out. It sounds like you may have got married quite quickly. I might be one to talk as I only knew my wife for two and half years before we got married, but I went in with my eyes open. You have not been aware of his condition, and he might have been unwell when he married you. Did he instigate the wedding or was it a cultural thing or something like that?