I am reading so many posts similar to my situation and this is the first time I feel not completely alone. My partner is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and it has become very frequent. He showed small signs early in our relationship mainly when he had been drinking where he would accuse me of cheating but they resolved in the morning when he sobered up,he also started to share that a man is out to get him as revenge for something years ago but would say little about the topic. We found out I was pregnant after only a few months together, and at the time he quit drinking completely and we had almost a month that was perfect, no weird accusations or angry outbursts and I felt so supported and hopeful for our future. I guess he was hiding his fears and anxiousness bc it all came to a head and then he started to drink again, which i figure ishis way of self-medicating. He would often hide the drinking from me and at this point I no longer try to tell if he is drinking or not, but practically every other day, if I’m not immediately available to respond to a message or take his call, he starts hurling horrible accusations at me and then barrages me with threats and disrespectful names. The following day he profusely apologizes and acknowledges it is undeserved but that he’s going through a lot and his life is in danger. He also blames his actions on being mind controlled or electronic wave controlled by an “old rich man” who he is certain will be framing him for a crime in his fulfillment of promises to ruin his life. Today bc I missed his call for a few minutes he decided to accuse me of being paid by this rich man to infiltrate his life stating that I of course have to keep up my act to get paid. his brother is in schizophrenia medication and from what I’ve researched he has some version of a paranoid mood disorder that alters his view of reality. I have encouraged him to go to a doctor for help with his anxiety and got him connected with free therapy through my employer (which I also signed up for since I feel so lost and alone navigating this, as a first time mom even) but he keeps delaying actually setting something up and it’s been weeks of him agreeing to do it. My biggest frustration is that when he’s mad at me hethreatens to take custody of our baby and thought know most of his threats are empty I get so angry that I’m trying to be there for him and create a safe loving world for our child and he threatens the one thing that has become most important to me. As much as I believe he is going to be loving with his future child a part of me fears that someday he will find unrealistic reasons to go against her as he really tears me apart, and whenever he’s in these episodes he says things that are hurtful and has put me in very unsafe situations. His family who he lives with has seen his outbursts but he (of course) doesn’t believe that any of his problems come from his head, instead they are due to this powerful man, and they are unable to intervene to force him to get help either. I’m looking for some understanding of dealing with someone who is undiagnosed and refusing to get treatment. I do not want to keep his child away from him but I also deserve a stable and peaceful pregnancy and need to create a secure and safe prospect of a future for her. I am also looking for some peer support bc I feel so lost in how to deal with this and it has all gotten so terrible in the last month or so. I never saw this coming.
@Jane16 - After I married, things really got weird but I stuck it out 15 years, thinking I could get him some type of help. Its good that you are looking for support/peers who hopefully can relate to the predicament you’re in and offer the support you need. I thought I knew my ex’s family medical history so I was using that as a guide (remember, this was in the 70s/80s), but I found out after 14 years later that he’d been adopted and his family felt NO need to tell me, later saying his problems were all my fault. Then I felt at a total loss because the medical history was of no use at all. And in some cases, it isn’t useful anyway. After my ex remarried, his (then) wife called my crying, saying that she knew it sounded crazy to call his ex-wife, but she knew I’d understand what she was dealing with and she was right. We became friends and she would often help me in situations with my son when my ex couldn’t deal with it.
However, its a lot for you to deal with while being pregnant and you need to build a support network now while you can. Even if its friends who can hear you out, understand the situation, or family members who could make their home open to you if need be. I had a friend of mine who was all that and more. Her house was open if I needed to just run away, spend the night to get away from my abusive son, or just hear me out. But, I was always ready to hear her out if need be. Even now, I have keys to the homes of three friends and family who understand and offered to make their home open to me as a refuge. I’ve never had to take them up on it but once - but they’re there for me.
A counselor would be a good thing but it sounds as if getting away with time of your own is becoming more difficult. Is that something you think you could set up?
I wish you the best - and I hope you find those who you can lean on, if even for a short while. Take care and be blessed.
Hi Pookey52. Thanks so much for replying and sharing your insight. I’m luckily out of his place now, which is likely the cause of his more frequent outbursts. But he’s become so abusive and takes such low blows that it’s reshaping my view of him, he was so charming in the beginning but sinks to horrible levels when he doesn’t get what he wants (me to come back, me to admit I’ve been cheating etc.). I have had a lot of empathy for him and I’m so sad that I thought we had a lot of love for each other but that is not enough to keep things fair and peaceful. I realize that it is likely no fault of his that he can control. I am going to try keeping my distance and see if that is enough for him to follow through on getting to a doctor. But as of last night (due to me not replying to his barrage) he is telling me he’s going to get custody and stating that I’m abusing alcohol and drugs so I don’t deserve our baby (not sure if he really believes this now or is being manipulative bc after his episodes he also admits that he says anything he can to hurt me). So I am forced to look into a family law attorney and accept that its unsafe to keep trying to assist him in this process of getting help. From what I’m reading it is a life of full time sacrifice, fear, and accepting insults and hurt.