Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

What am I dealing with here?


#1

Hi everyone, well, I am afraid something has brought me here. I am out of options and at my wits end.

We have been married 4 years, together for 6. First 5 years I was chronic pains and at time critical physically. I could barely stand. I have seizures, Colitis, Cirrhosis, and so much more—and my Husband was my Angel. We met while I was not ill (I was ill for a decade, but for 8 months, I was fine) but I told him all about my past. Then, after we met, illnesses started up like I had never had before, like Epilepsy. Anyways, total Angel. Dedicated. Feed me, watched over me…my Angel.

This may have been creeping for awhile, I dunno but I noticed: Dec 2016 this change began. This new monster now comes out of him and I am shocked, baffled, scared and insulted at what he says. He is aggressive, defensive and very hurtful. Then he gets back into the man I married. He seems to suffer Psychosis and refuses to talk to anyone but me. Refuses to read anything about healing anything. Refuses to admit or accept his monster is dangerous and unchecked. All that would be fine, but I am the target of all his rage! Which is insane because when not in a rage he says his life is perfect with me. Then, that monster and wow! Its my fault if he stubs his toe, no joke, he just rages on and on.

Recently, he yelled at me for not filling out HIS pprwork for HIS interview. Yet, he never asked me to do it. We were in car and I said he needs to be prepared for meetings. Off he went!! Yelling at me in car, I yelled back and he grabbed me. I am 7 weeks pregnant. So this behavior can no longer be tolerated. He yells that everything is my fault, all his short comings, what he forgets, what doesnt go right, my fault!! WOW. Really? Wow. But then he goes back to the man I married.

I came here because only 1 time he said to me, and will never admit again: he hears voices, all the time. He has violent nightmares everynight. He doesnt thrash about or yell in his sleep, quite the peaceful sleeper. I asked him what these voices say and he say it’s sometimes telling him things, sometimes they talk amongst each other…and I asked if they tell him to hurt or kill and he said no. I say, not yet. I am terrified of this guy now.

I want to help, I feel horrible for his good soul, he is a good man…until this monster shows up. I know its not his fault, but when he attacks me, I can’t hug him and reassure him everything will be OK because I am licking my OWN wounds. Phew. And he says he needs my hugs and love, but he does not connect dots, like, at all. Cause and effect is not comprehended. Consequences is of no concern. So, he doesnt understand once he is done kicking me around and he returns to normal why I am in the corner licking my wounds. Wow.

I need to learn how to talk to him because I am a very straight person and maybe he needs another approach?. I am very nurturing but I cannot take the abuse and comfort him at the same time. Insanity. At this point I am moving…about 500 ft from our home. I have my baby and me to protect. I have no experience with hearing voices, just wanting some feedback, advise, or does anyone know what this is? Psychosis? BiPolar? Personality disorder?

I mean, we both come from excessive abuse by family members, so I understand that much of him although he denies everything. I am trying to be peaceful because I have had enough violence and drama in this lifetime. So, this is tearing me apart and in my state, I cannot afford to put my neck out for him anymore. How do I get him to get help? He said he will visit Dr, and not tell them anything, to shut me up. “Look, I went.” He is so beyond childish at times, and he’s 37! And about to be a Father for 1st time, 1st for both of us. I mean, wow. If having a kid doesnt snap him out of this, obviously it is a lot more serious than I was thinking all year long…I just want to live and for us all to be safe and happy. Now what? Thanks for reading this far <3

Oh, I just rmbred, when I get so upset I ask him to stop or to leave before we do something we regret, he will puff his chest and say “Ya! get mad!! Do it, love it!! YES!!!” I end up saying a sick * he is and to go * himself somewhere else. Ya, he pushes me beyond all my limits…I try to tell myself it’s not him, something else is happening…his monster is escalating and I already know what comes next, he’s been handsy with me now…I know what’s next.


#2

Sorry to hear things have been difficult for you. Obviously without him being truthful with his doctors it is hard to move forward with a diagnosis, but sure, something seems to be going on that is new to you.

Just remember, mentally ill or not you have to draw the line at violence. Find yourself a therapist, because even if he wont go, you need someone to talk this out with. And by all means protect yourself and your child. Best wishes.


#3

I’m sorry for all you are dealing with. It does sound like you must separate for safety’s sake until he agrees to get assessed by a professional. That is the only way to know what is really truly going on and how best to treat it.

I would recommend he starts with a full work up with his primary care doctor first letting the doctor know the behaviors you’ve seen if possible, in case he fails to mention them, maybe via a letter.

Sometimes severe mental changes can occur due to some unchecked physical problem, if that is not the case then the next stop is a full mental health assessment…and hopefully a diagnosis and then an effective treatment. I hope your husband is motivated by the separation to seek professional help soon.

It is a great idea to try to get counseling for yourself just as @thereisalwayshope said, to have your own sounding board during this trying time. My best to you and your family.


#4

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#5

You can’t love him well.

If he has an anger problem, he needs help.
If he has psychosis, he needs help.
You can be there for him as long as it’s safe for you to do so - or you can support him from a distance - but you can’t fix him.

My son has psychosis - diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Bipolar runs through my husband’s family, his dad, and I’m pretty sure my husband has a dose of it.

He’s had rages like you describe, although it’s never got violent from his end. I’ve hit him before though when I was pushed past a point I wanted to be pushed.

I love him, but we can’t live together full time - it triggers us both. In hindsight, I wonder how much easier both of our lives would have been if he’d had some kind of treatment. But, he functions OK and things have gotten easier as we’ve both gotten older. It just kind of is what it is at this point.

However, if I had to go back & do it again, I would never have submitted our son to the ups & downs that living with us caused.


#6

So sorry. I was married 20 years to a man who had bi-polar. I did not know what was wrong. To try and make things better I had two children with him, after a Dr told me my children would suffer. I’m divorced now, 73 years old and primary care taker for my 30 year old daughter who has schizophrenia. She choose to live her teen years with him, and suffered from verbal abuse. It never gets better. I truly believe the schizophrenic’s who suffer abuse have a harder time in recovery.


#7

Narcissistic Personality Disorder? It enters into the fan of Schizophrenias?

The label doesn´t matter. What does matter is YOU! And the obvious long term damageing effects of being a victim.
Is anyone else aware of “the monster” or is he just as charming in public as when you first met him?

Try 90 days of NO CONTACT before reviewing the situation. Nothing. No texts, phone calls, … It´s tough. Like getting off a drug. Because in my humble opinion “your” angel is a toxic drug. And you´re his Heroine.


#8

Thank you everyone. To avoid conflict and so I could actually be heard, I have texted him exactly how I feel and what’s to happen. I love him to death, but I will no longer put up with this…but I know when you have issues you’re not trying to be neglectful or abusive, you just are. So, I am moving into the guest house. About 500 feet from our home. Best I can do, since he’s not earning income since his job injury one week before we were told I was pregnant. Oh the timing…

I told him until he gets this addressed and shows some effort to heal, I will live there. Its so terrible HARD to do this because I just want to hug him and say everything will be OK. After Friday, he has been himself again. But I am not letting this go this time. So, all wkend I texted him what is on my mind. From love, to scared to I am not taking it anymore, and everything in between.

I will seek counseling for me. Move into guest home. He says all my love will cure him which is complete BS. It either everything is my fault or I cure everything with my love. Wow. If love cured this, he’d never suffer again, and neither would I.

Helps to hear another voice outside of my own head or his voice. Helps alot. Thank you all.


#9

I just wish that I could do more. Feel free to write to me anytime.


#10

Even its to avoid the temptation of texting.


#11

Thanks. He is back to himself and the ‘other’ guy is back in his Pandora’s Box. My Mom refuses to move her chemical ridden stuff out of guest house and I refused to settle with all her crap, dust and chemicals. Hoarding is a terrible disease…so, we have to find a new home somewhere else. If he would stay himself, we could find a place eventually, maybe. No one sees his other guy, just me. But other guy makes no logic AT ALL therefore I fear slowing down his ability to think clearly and search. I actually dont know anyone in our rural community, he does. Anyways, here’s to him staying him, through thick and thin. So glad I found this group! Thanks all <3


#12

My husband used to switch like that so often I used to number his personalities and tell him to leave until number XX that I liked could come back. It’s always a random number, but we joke that he’s got 99 personalities.

I tell him all the time my favorite personality is the one who feeds me cheesecake in bed in the middle of the night. I don’t get him very often.

Seriously though, finding a way that we can both acknowledge he has extreme mood changes and making light of it has helped us both. And, over the years, I’ve learned to take my emotions out of it. I wouldn’t tolerate violence - and he knows if he tries that with me, he’ll get as good as he gives - but when he gets angry now, the words just wash over me. I seriously doubt he could even hurt my feelings anymore.

He’s changed some, but I think my own internal changes are what’s made the difference for me - I just don’t get caught up in his constant Tidal wave of constant crisis situations anymore.

I end a lot of discussions I don’t want to engage in with a “Love you -------” and I walk away.
Sometimes, I bluntly tell him he can go argue with himself - I’m not going there with him.
Other times, I’ll tell him his crazy is showing, or put the crazy away - he finds it funny. I wouldn’t say it if it hurt his feelings.
Just anything so we don’t start fueling each other’s emotions and start a long spiral of crazy.


#13

My dearest Angel,

So, you have been sucked back into a relationship in which you have no control ? :worried:

I have known some very strong, highly intelligent women stuck in toxic relationships for years. Women who have tried to get help…and didn´t find it.
so whatever happens DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. It´s a waste of time. In life, “there are no innocents and guilty. Only Circumstances.” And your greatest asset at the moment is your sense of humour. Use it.

Might I suggest that look up a writer and expert on the subject of abusive Personality Disorders ( she was a victim herself), Shahida Arabi.
She has aa world famous blog:

https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com

Which I am certain will provide what I cannot. As my case is very very different. the narcissist is my father and even though we have had no contact for almost 20 years, I still love him and believe I need him. Not a day goes by when I don´t think about him.

And from time to time he´ll stalk me just to get a reaction. The bastard never give up! I deliberately didn´t attend my mother´s own funeral to avoid staying with him and “grieving” with him ( the sensitive carer in me)That´s how tough you end up becoming when you begin to see that after every stay with him. I ended up an emotional wreck. Self esteem below freezing. Re traumatised. Ready to be thrown in the trash.

Baby steps. One small objective at a time. O.K. hun?

Have a wonderful start to September.

a warm hug,

L


#14

I like the humor stuff—tis how I survive this life! So, its been 10 months with this new personality popping out randomly. So, I am still new with it but I’m dealing better today. I refer to it as: magic carpet rides, his monster or ‘other’. I should be funnier, but I guess it’s not too funny to me yet----it will be one day tho! I know me. He hasnt laughed at that yet—doesnt laugh at all when in psychosis (I say psychosis, he will not get diagnosed) But, I did tell him we are separated and for 5 days now he has been himself. I was on high guard and he respected that. Making me meals, caring for me, calm and patient even though I didnt want his touch. Thats my man. And I am still pushing for him to address his new friend.

What I have been doing since April is stating “I will not react, I will not engage.” I say it out loud, and when I am stronger with it all, I will just be in meditation with that phrase. I tell him I will not be spoken to like that and I will not speak to him until he is human again. I dont want to shame him, but he has to KNOW how serious this is and I am. I want to help him, so I am not trying to scare him or threaten. Just straight, loving but to the point with my words and actions. But well, thats not therapeutic to many. It is for me cus I dnt like to play games with the heart, so I would appreciate someone like me being straight about my illness or issues.

I think being pregnant is causing me distress about it even more, just when I thought I had a handle on his new face, I am pregnant. But, today is good. I am calm, being productive on my laptop, he is loving and working outside (we’re homesteaders).

Thanks to all! And I will read that page you sent Lea <3 TY. I dont sense he is narcissistic though. I have been involved with those types intimately, counting decades here, and I dnt see it here. <3


#15

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#16

We live alone. My parents r near by. Thnx all, dealing w mental stuff is trying, we’ll make it :purple_heart:


#17

Hi Angel,
Hope you are doing well. I was married to a man w paranoid sz for 15 years. It was hard, but we loved each other and tried to make it work. He was medicated, sometimes. What ultimately broke us up is when he started drinking and got violent. When I was seeking help I was given good advice: Take every threat seriously.
Please take good care of yourself! If you feel at all threatened, leave. That said, I pray that you both work it out and that he can be convinced to take his problems seriously and gets help.Maybe you can frame it in terms of the new baby. That you want both of you to be healthy emotionally in order to be good parents, or something like that. You could go to the first appt together. Just a thought…