Thank you for those kind words…I think we as loved ones don’t usually feel like we deserve anything-I feel I’ve failed my son somehow yet I know I didn’t cause it. Your words have definitely brought a bit of joy to my morning!-thank you!
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I can identify with this feeling 100%
It is easy for me to be hard on myself… and can’t help sometimes thinking I screwed up my daughter… for me, I know that I haven’t always been the best father…but who is perfect?? We do the best we can… I just try to give her all the support I can … and my daughter really thinks that her illness was triggered by a traumatic situation with someone who was supposed to be a friend and hurt her deeply…
And it is easy to look back and see things that you might not have thought of much before and now realize that they were clues of the early stages of the illness… I see that in my daughter now… just thought it was normal teenage angst…and I have heard this so often from other parents… it doesn’t do any good to be hard on ourselves for not noticing back then… I don’t think we really could have known back then… Again, we just do the best that we can…
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@Zenahildebrand, I’ve also felt like I deserve everything bad that happens to me. I have many regrets about things I could have done differently when he was growing up. Some people cast blame on others, some blame only themselves, I’m the latter. I just try to tell myself everyday I can’t change the past, I can only do here and now. I can’t even think about tomorrow, as one never knows how it will be with this illness.
@Windyhill63, I haven’t always been the best mother, and I’ve often thought this was punishment. My son Went thru a lot as a child, and I often feel as though I could have prevented it somehow. Living with guilt is awful, but I’m learning slowly to let that go, and do whatever and however I can for him, here and now.
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i think we are all hard on ourselves over this…perhaps your daughters illness just happened to come on just after this time with her friend…i know my son always had problems but the schizophrenia didnt come on until he was about 11 or 12 and has worsened. For me the bitter part i feel is that when i was 6 mos pregnant with him in 1990 his father shoved me down and caused me to go into labor so my doctor prescribed a drug for me to take up until i delivered that stopped contractions…now this drug has an fda warning that not only did it kill a lot of mothers who took it but it causes fetal brain damage along with sever uncoordintation and i feel in my heart this is what is wrong with my son…no firms will handle his case as all the records are now gone since it was so long ago but there are people still winning suits over this as recent as 2017-the drug is called terbutaline-or brethine…and i feel it in my heart that the pills i took round the clock every 4 hours as my doctor prescribed me caused him to be like he is and it angers me horribly. i only found out about this about 6 months ago as one day i was sitting wondering how in Gods name my poor son got so horribly bad as all the social workers and his doctors say he is an extremely rare case as far as how bad off he is and it occurred to me that although i didnt take any drugs or drink caffeine or alcohol-i did take one drug-the one the doctor gave me so i looked it up and sure enough there have been tons of lawsuits and it is now labeled by the fda that pregnant women should not take it due to what it does not only to the mother but also to the baby. And i can do nothing about this-the damage is done and his records have all been destroyed…how sad-and when i I find out some woman is taking drugs or alcohol of any kind and pregnant it enrages me because of the life her poor child will have to live…my son told me last week he might would have rather i abort him if id known how he was going to be as he overheard me saying how awful i think abortions are…i know one thing…parenting is not supposed to be so sad…
I am so sorry that you have gone through that with your son… I understand why you would have the guilt feelings. It really was not your fault. It is sad that nothing can be done about it. Also, I know this is easier said than done, because I struggle with this as well, but try to take what your son personally, it is the illness speaking… I constantly have to remind myself that.
It hurts so much because we love so much…
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Sigh, no, it isn’t supposed to be so sad… parenting is supposed to be a joy. It is so hard to find joy when this illness undermines everyone’s life so badly.
It is horrible for you that your doctor prescribed something which hurt your son in utero. And that you can’t file a lawsuit. Ugh. I’m so sorry.
I found out recently that my daughter has a congenital brain defect called agenesis of the corpus callosum, not just schizophrenia. So her brain is missing a part, and it was that way from about 14 weeks in utero. I felt so stupid when I found out, as how didn’t I catch that something was wrong decades ago?
I envy those parents with nothing seriously wrong with their children, those spouses who have perfect marriages and perfect partners, etc. I know jealousy is a bad emotion, but I’ve certainly had it going on lately. That is a real happiness killer too. But I’ve got to get control of myself and stop being envious of the “normals”.
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I so so get feeling a bit more than jealous of the “normals”…and they have no idea how lucky they even are. I have a sister who wasn’t really much of a mom-she left her husband and kids multiple times and always took care of herself first yet her kids are all normal and grown and she still doesn’t have a care in the world…my brother-a great guy and father-has 3 grown kids who are just about perfect…their grown yet all hang out together like friends-and I have another sister who has a grown son who is an off and on drug addict and she constantly claims she knows exactly how I feel cuz of her own son…smh…so so very different than what I deal with daily-for the rest of my life and beyond…I imagine when I die that my son-if he’s still with us-will be an old homeless man covered in newspaper…it kills me to think about it…WE can’t even die in peace! I’m sorry for what you go through everyday just know that there’s a lot of us out here going through it also-I hate to think anyone else lives with this but somehow it helps to know we are not alone…I hope you have a good day today…do something nice for yourself-it’s important!!
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I am lucky for the support here that helped me through depressed days when the psychosis my daughter exhibited was more than I could take. I am lucky that since Dec 18 (after arrest and forced hospitalization) my daughter is on an injection that works for her. I am also lucky that people here shared their stories so I could forgive myself for my part in forcing her onto meds. My family and friends have NO idea what my life is like, although they say they understand… then they go back to a normal life trying to decide what color curtains they should buy… No, we will not die in peace as the worry for our loved ones will follow us beyond our own deaths as there are no guarantees at all with schizophrenia. Thank you for understanding me, it does help us to know we are not alone. I depend on this site.
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I really don’t think there are normals….just people who are in denial or better at hiding their craziness.
We have been on this journey half of my sons life. There are so many regrets. So many sad times.
I have a child who has been terrorized by his own thoughts. Been frightened of everyone. Alone in his despair. Dark times indeed. Maybe others journeys are as painful…IDK. Not for me to determine other peoples pain levels. It brings no satisfaction to try to measure mine against theirs.
What I have come to realize is the sadness; it can pass. But we have to let it.
My son will never be a “success” according to the worlds standard. Not money. Not homes. Not perfect looking family. So in the storm I look for the rays of sunshine peeking out. I have a child who is empathic. Who despite everything he has been though still loves. And maybe he is more successful than the ‘normals’…they just haven’t realized it yet.
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I feel so much like I just read my own thoughts…it is undoubtably the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in my life and saddest…my son has the biggest heart and will never be accepted or cared for by anyone except his sister and I…yet he gives all he haves to whomever out of compassion…I’m 55 and have had plenty of time-I so wish I could give him what’s left of my mind so he could have just a little bit of life…I wish it worked that way…
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I totally understand. I have goose bumps because I feel exactly the same way.
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Normal is a subjective term in my mind… it could be defined by subcultures as well… what is normal in one subculture might be considered “crazy” in another…
There may be a lot more agnosia then people realize too…
Also I think everyone is a little broken, because we live in a broken world.
I love the song “Broken” by lovelytheband:
“I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you”
Not saying that it is good that we are broken, but that we can be broken together…
Perfect family? What is that? Maybe it exist in worlds like Brady Bunch…I think every family has some level of dysfunction… some are better at hiding it than others…
Success is for me is that inspite of all our imperfections, I have a family that cares about each other… sure we have our fights and arguments… but I love the moments when we can forget about mental illness and just enjoy being together…
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I so agree with you, @Windyhill63 . I like that song, been singing to it for quite some time now…
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