My older brother is very very sick. He qualifies for “gravely disabled”, he can’t do much at all. He can though, stand up and walk around. He had surgery on his hand to remove a “mass” that he says God put there to punish him. The night of the surgery, he couldn’t chew or swallow his food, so I gave him a Protien shake and put him to bed. The next morning when I woke up he had removed all the bandages from his surgery. I blew it and pushed him, yelled at him, cussed him out (he’s a very quiet schizophrenic) and took him to the ER so they could wrap it back up again. I was crying in the ER and asking for help becaue I just can’t take care of him anymore. The problem is I REALLY want to hit him sometimes. Like closed fist across the face. I know this isn’t right, but I’m having a hard time dealing with him. Our parents used to physically abuse us as children so I suspect this is where my reactions are coming from. I hold myself back but I’m losing control. I don’t want to abuse him. I want to care for him. I have no one to help me with him and all government services take forever to come to fruition. I hate myself because I feel so guilty when the moment is over and things are calm again. I feel like I’m going out of my mind myself. Anyone have any calming techniques for when things are in the heat of the moment?
It sounds like you are experiencing caregiver burnout with mental and emotional exhaustion. I experienced a similar situation . I.have a brother Dan who is 10 years older than myself - he has chronic severe paranoid schizophrenia, OCD, anxiety and cognitive impairment. Dan functions at the level of a child. Other than walking to the corner store he couldn’t go anywhere alone. My parents looked after Dan with no plan for his future - basically assuming I would be the caregiver. My mom passed 20 years ago and my dad in 2017.
I assumed total care of my brother in 2017. My parents let Dan do anything he wanted. I got Dan set up with a psychiatrist and he was put on meds with minimal improvement. I honestly felt overwhelmed by Dan. He ended up with diabetes and vision problems on top of all the paranoia and OCD rituals. I got short tempered with Dan and I felt bad about that. I tried to get home care but that didn’t work out.
I saw a counselor and I was encouraged to take time for myself. Go for a walk, go to a local coffee shop (my favorite thing) get out and do something for yourself. I was losing myself in the situation. When I felt myself getting upset and I could not get out I would listen to music. I reminded myself that it was the disease that caused Dan to act this way.
My brother’s health declined and he has been in long term care for one year now. Remarkably he has adjusted and is involved in all the social activities..
Long term care can be a good option.
I agree with previous posters about long term care being a good option,
You may want to continue to care for him .
But I would ask myself if I’m mentally able to continue ?
Do I need assistance can you get caregiver assistance so it’s not all on you ?
Caregiver burn out is real and it sounds like you put a lot of effort in to caring for your sibling .
Calming tips
Mindful breathing
Self care whenever you can
I also like those squishy fidgets to squeeze when irritated.
A quick pop outside or change in environment even like a shower can help.
I have a hot temper, and I’ve lost it totally in the past, screaming, slamming doors, pushing, etc. My BEST technique is to make myself walk away, long enough to calm down, best is outside around the block.
The physical touching of someone else when it isn’t wanted IS abuse. If your brother could call the police, they could arrest you for that. I am lucky that when that happened to me, the police said that “mutual combat” is NOT a crime, i.e. if the other person pushes back. However, it sounds like your brother is not aggressive, so if you push or shove that is called “battery”. If you threaten him with harm, that is called “assault”. So, yes, you did abuse him IF you pushed him or threatened him with future harm.
My advice? Forgive yourself for losing it, number one. How to make sure it doesn’t happen again? Try to discipline yourself to walk away if your temper is rising, number two.
I agree that trying to get him into long term care might be the best option for both of you. Maybe you can get a free consultation with a lawyer who can lay out your options and help you make a plan.
Lynn, I don’t think there is anything wrong with admitting you can’t handle it. I understand family is family, but this is making you feel guilty, which shows how much you care for him. I have had all those same feeling for my daughter and I have found myself pulling a punch or a slap. When she says bad things hr after hr and tells me how worthless I am. Or when she reaches out and hits me, and pulls my hair and won’t let go. I feel fortunate that I have not hit her, I don’t know if I could recover from that. She is in the hospital now and she knows they are going to force her on meds after her hearing on Friday. So she wanted me to get her out last night. But I know I cannot deal with her. If she is not medicated and doing better mentally I know it will lead to abuse.
Please look into getting him some other care either for a few hrs. a week or maybe permanently.
My thing is usually just walking away and thinking this is not her fault. Going for a ride by myself. Just getting away. Taking a bath or shower, counting and deep breathing. I do a lot of crying in the shower, sometime yelling and screaming also. You have to let it out. I try not to let it out to her, but sometimes it just happens. I think verbal abuse is sometimes worse than physical. I am sorry you are going through this but reaching out for help is always a good thing. And recognizeing what you are doing and that it is wrong.
Thanks for your honesty and your caring heart. You are beloved! Reaching out for help is a good thing. It is normal to have the feelings of anger. The harder part is getting at the roots of the anger but not acting out on it.
Since you grew up in an abusive childhood situation finding a trauma therapist would help you with these deeper issues.
I think of the word “pause” when I’m feeling angry. If in that pause you can learn to do some calming deep breathing exercises.
*One of them is 4 x 4 breathing - taking a deep breath for the count of 4, then holding your breath for the count of 4, and releasing your breath for the count of 4 and resting for the count of 4. Slow and deep breathing helps you regulate your emotions.
*Another exercise you could do is called 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method for anxiety. You identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste, which helps bring your attention back to the present moment.
Learn about childhood attachment that you develop with your major childhood caregiver(s). There are different ways we handle our emotions: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment. Understanding this may help you. Again finding a good trauma therapist is important.
Evaluate how you can take care of yourself. Without this you can’t continue to help your older brother. Remember to forgive yourself as we all make mistakes BUT learn from them as you are expressing in your message. It is a slow process so be patient with yourself.
Now about your brother. Does he know/realize he has a mental disability? Reading “I’m not sick…” by Dr. Amador teaches us methods in working with someone who believes this. Does he have a psychiatrist? I assume he may have since he has a diagnosis. Does he take his needed medication? Does he have his own therapist which is important and/or peer support group.
Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at www.nami.org for support groups in your area. I used a resource person both times I needed help with our daughter.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE but recognizing you need help keep pursuing it.
Lynn, you are brave to acknowledge your emotions. One thing I found useful in critical decisions is to ask myself, if I did ‘x’ or ‘y’ would I be able to live with myself or would I have regret. Answering this question helps keep me grounded on the right path. Good luck
Yes, this is a terrible feeling of anger and frustration that I can relate to. I felt this way many times towards my brother, and I did punch him a few times too. He was so much worse than what you describe. He was like Charles Manson minus the intelligence.
When I read your title, I thought maybe you ought to ask the question “Is my sz brother abusing me?” because if you want to hit him then you must feel violated in some way. I can certainly sympathize. My brother was so callous and abusive. In fact he got beat up many times by other people. I can only imagine what he said to them. He never minced words with me; it was a constant torrent of abuse coming from his mouth.
When he tried to beat up my mother, I beat him to a pulp right in the driveway of her house. (He later stabbed her while I was away at college.) When he tried to rape my girlfriend’s friend, I would have beat his ass bloody if there weren’t a bunch of people standing around, and if I could go back in time I would beat him in front of everybody.
I had no help dealing with him. He was a hideous, disgusting animal. Knowing what I know now I would have let him go to prison for one of the many crimes he committed, or hopefully they would put him in some kind of institution.
So take care of yourself. It’s easy for me to look back in hindsight what I did wrong (it wasn’t my fault he was dealt this deck of cards in life) but when you’re in the thick of it you can’t always think clearly. You have people here that have been through it and can help you. I didn’t have any resource at all. It’s tough and I wish you all the best.
That’s good news. Glad to hear your awful times are over. My time is coming soon I hope. Thanks for responding. It helps with the guilt I feel most of the time. God speed.