Angry and confused


#1

My recent ex-husband was diagnosised with paranoid schizophrenia, depression, aniexity and drug/alcohol disease. And I am angry and hurt and people are blaming me for divorcing him to protect my children. Is that normal?
We were together for 12 years only married for 2 but I know now that I should not have married him. He was diagnosised and hospitalized briefly before we were married. I thought I could fix it, I know now that made it worse. It gave him false hopes. Our relationship was not healthy from the start and I made mistakes but can’t change it now.
I have had to file bankruptcy because he spend money which is part of the disease. I did not put any of the debt on him. I wanted to start fresh on my own. I have not recieved child support or any assistance of any kind in the last year and a half. He quit two good jobs before getting fired from a third because of his disease.
Life has changed greatly, for me and my children.
My children are young 13 and 10 and do not understand really what is going on. I am trying to protect them, but some people tell me i am doing it wrong by keeping him away. Well the last incident i had with him he threathened to take my 10 year old and not bring her back. Kind of scary and very confusing.
I am angry for lots of my choices but my anger at him has to stop for my childrens sake, i know that but how do i do that?
I am only doing what i feel is right for my children and protecting them. Is that wrong? I have to cut ties with him because of his sexual behavior towards me was very inapproriate all the time. I told him numerous times to stop and it didnt so i limited my contact with him and tried to never be alone with him. It didnt matter in the end.
He ended up in the hospital again and when he got out he said he did it for me so we could get back together, I told him that was not the case. He never follow-up with his care and grew dependent on me this past year and ahalf because i have tried to help him but after him threathening to take my child I told him I am unable to do that anymore, that he needs to rely on his immediate family. I cannot be responsible for him any longer.
My children are my main concern and priority. I need to make sure they are healthy and safe. They are in counseling and on medication because of this and it is hard to watch and try to explain because i dont understand it myself.
to me my ex-husband is gone and this new person is not someone i would have friended ever. So it is hard, i see it getting worse and worse and people continue to say i did this and i am not helping.
i cant do anything to fix this and i have exhausted all my self to help this.
my health detoriaded and too over my life for the bad, so now i am taking charge of me and trying to fix my life as well as my childrens.
i dont have the answers and i dont know if my choices are right or wrong but they are my choices because I lived it for years and what happened behind closed doors was way more than people know or want to believe.
is this normal? I do wish him the best of his ability but just not with me.
does the anger ever go away?


#2

I would say do what you feel is right and there is nothing wrong with putting you and your children’s welfare first. You didn’t cause your husband to have schizophrenia and it sounds like you are being as supportive as you can. This support should not have to come at the expense of your children. When I was an addict my kids dad filed for sole custody of our children and limited my contact with them. I have never resented him for this as it was the right thing to do. I don’t think being supportive has to come with the price tag of losing your own self respect and your children’s stability.

As for the anger. Maybe recognizing that it is schizophrenia that you are mad at may help you to come to terms with it. Unfortunately there is no one to release that anger on. No closure. Write schizophrenia a letter and tell it off with all the hurt and anger that you feel. I have done this. Do what you can to get it out of you so that you are no longer carrying it. If you need to hear it. It is ok that you are angry. It is ok that you are hurt. Trying to run from these feelings or pretend like they don’t exist does not make them go away. You are not wrong to be angry, hurt and confused. I have a love/hate relationship with schizophrenia. While I can recognize some of the good qualities that it has given my son I still hate what it does to him. How it robs him of some basic human functioning and interferes with his ability to lead what I think is a full life. Allow yourself to grieve. :heart:


#3

Thank you for telling me it is ok to be angry and i have a right to be.
I do a great deal of writing and i still feel it isnt enough. NOt sure it will be but i am working on it.
i know it will never go away but it seems like other people in the circle feel it will because he has always been this way. That doesnt erase the problem or make it any easier.
i am the scapegoat for many of them because it is easier to deal with me than it is to deal with the issue head on and face reality. But i get that and i accept that each of us have our way of handling and dealing with things. I just have to see the whole picture and realize that each of have our own stories to tell how it really is.
I lived it and I saw things behind closed doors that others didnt so that is ok.
I am moving forward and protecting myself and my children.