Do any of you ever feel like you are losing it? Maybe it’s the marriage relationship dynamics, but I think I need help.
I see a counselor, I’m on wellbutrin (which actually works well I think). My counselor sent me to a psychiatrist for low dose anxiety medication. That doctor gave me lavendar pills. He gave me several studies showing the efficacy of lavendar is equal to anti-anxiety medications. I gotta tell you, I don’t feel it.
My husband’s family is telling me to be patient. That the psych ward has been horrible for him and of course he has delusions. He’s been drug free for 7 days. I just “need to be strong” and take it bcz my husband isn’t himself, or get divorced. No one seems to get that neither of those options are something I can do. All summer I’ve shared resources with them. They haven’t done much to help my husband though he was living with them.
This is the issue. I want my husband. I want our marriage. Just tonight he asked me for a divorce AGAIN and said he never wants to see me again bcz of what he believes to be true but are delusions. I know you can’t argue with someone who is delusional. But his delusions are almost all about me: being in TX with him, my best friend, my then husband, and our son (a twin) 5 years before he was actually born. That I’m in law enforcement in some special task force with my ex husband and he (current husband) trained me to use communication equipment he installed in my car but he looked different so I wouldn’t know it was him. I’m a liar bcz I know and won’t admit it. I’ve gotten him into bad bad situations with government agencies and ruined his life.
This is devastating, and I guess I need help knowing how to handle this grief and accept this. The grief is overwhelming. How do I accept that there is nothing I can do and my marriage is over because my husband’s delusions are so fixed? How, when he gets out of the hospital tomorrow, do I handle the love of my life living nonfunctionally in my town and hating me because of an illness that he’s not violent enough to get help for? I get a glimmer of hope and then a few hours later-boom. My brother in law says if I can’t handle it send the separation papers like my husband has demanded. He says that I don’t understand the horror of the psych ward (he’s been inpatient before due to depression) and thinking my husband would get better shows how unrealistic I am. I didn’t expect him to be healed. I just thought after 7 days of no drugs, and him seeming to want to be with me, that the delusions wouldn’t come back to the surface full force.
Please give me suggestions. I love my husband. I want my marriage. I know he’s very ill. I know this lasts a lifetime and I am willing to take it on. But how do I let go? How do I accept that this illness has taken him from me and I have to deal with it and move on? I don’t want to accept it because then I have to really accept that he is gone and I’ve lost the love of my life. The grief is so hard. I don’t even know how to grieve. Do I grieve getting divorced? Do I grieve my husband’s illness? I can’t accept not being able to fix this. I have always fixed everything. I never ever thought I’d lose a marriage based on delusional beliefs.
I know I’ve been rambling. I apologize, but I really need your advice. I’ve called NAMI. But really, if my husband adamantly despises me, what good is my involvement? I can know things and have resources but I won’t be allowed to help. And even if I do? Is that healthy for me? I’d be just holding on to someone I can never be with. I feel so pathetic.