Chai, you are so young. My heart goes out to you. As a mother of a schizophrenic son who’s probably close to your husband’s age and has had similar experiences, I have a a picture of your future that I am glad you cannot see. I would have stepped out of my son’s life a million times if I could have. God wires mothers with an unfailing love and desire to care for their children. Satan takes that strength and turns it into a vulnerability to take us down. I can’t tell you how many times I was close to suicide over the past 15 years. I can only speak from my own experieince. When I was able to stop focusing on my resentments of his behavior and all that I’d lost over the years, and focus, through the power of the Holy Spirit, on what I could do to make his life and mine better, like preparing nutritious meals, seeing that he gets his long term shot, keeping his appts. with case manager, dr. behavior therapist, probation officer, giving him reminders, companionship, love, and laughter, my outlook and health have changed dramatically. I’m sorry you were given the advice you were given. Schizophrenia is a lifelong incurable condition that goes through different phases and can sometimes be quite well managed by the proper medication. It doesn’t just go away and its ever-changing effects on the brain are mind blowing. I encourage you to pray for daily strength and wisdom in handling your situation. You are a valuable being with a heart and soul that clearly loves your husband. But should you stay in the relationship? I hope your answer comes from God and gives you peace. I know I have seen a huge positive effect on my son from my behavior changing to more loving and forgiving. They are scared, and know they have no control over their disease other than to stay away from things that make it worse. If you need to separate from him to take some time away until you have an answer, I encourage you to do that. I also encourage you to get as much rest as you can if separation is not viable right now.
I am sorry to say that it most likely will NOT get better unless a miracle happens and he gets on a med that works and starts contributing to your relationship. Otherwise, you are destined to act as the sole provider for all of your life getting more and more tired.
I learned a valuable lesson taking a Lifesaving class at the YWCA years ago: They taught me that when Person A is drowning and Person B swims out to rescue them, that drowning Person A often clasps on so tight to rescuer Person B that Rescuer B cannot swim any longer and BOTH end up drowning. Rescuer Person B HAS TO HAVE A LIFE-RING or some other lifesaving equipment with them to not risk drowning while doing a rescue. Who is going to save you if you start drowning trying to save your husband? Or are you willing to drown along with him? Terrible questions, I know. I’m sorry.
I’m scared for my future with him and without him. After trying to win me back he suddenly turned on me again yesterday saying what a horrible wife I am and he wants a divorce because I make his mental health worse. We are just going round in circles because we love and miss each other but are struggling to overcome the samenproblems and arguments
That story makes a lot of sense and is the reason I haven’t gone back to him yet. I am scared although family and friends say they are gonna be supportive in reality they will get fed up and I will be on my own. My dad has already said if I go back and his behaviour gets too much I can come stay with him but he doesn’t want me bringing my cats again. Those cats were in danger with my.husband alone and I love them so much.
My Dad thinks since I married him and took vows I should be the main provider and care for him and if I love him I should do anything to be with him. He said I was putting money first.
It hurt me because yes money is important, I am scared and anxious about paying the bills alone and my company regularly make redundancies. I would not find a job with my current salary anywhere else so that mean unemoyment and a pay cut. In the UK we are currently having a huge cost of living crisis, bills and food prices are dramatically increasing which makes me afraid for the future. I also am fed up scraping by and if he could have contributed even a tiny bit was hoping we could have fun again and go on holiday and live life more. I want to do nice things and I had hopes to have a baby and maybe one day live in a house.
Unfortunately my husband only sees my financial fears as a negative saying I am ‘tight’ and not the happy person he fell in love with. He is bad with money and spends it on stupid things while I go without. If we get back together he wants me to give him an allowance as if he is my child or something!
So yes money is coming in to this because I am scared for the future and those closest to me use this to put me down and make me feel greedy, making all this worse.
Yes, that is what happens. In reality, a person’s best friend, or worst enemy, is often himself or herself. If you choose not to follow through with your decision to divorce, you are deciding to spend your life supporting a person who will take and take from you until you can’t give anymore as proven by his past and current actions. I’m sorry. Your father can NEVER understand what it is like to live with someone with schizophrenia. No one can, except for someone who has “been there”.
There was a man on this forum, who unfortunately got ill some time ago, and I haven’t seen him for awhile. He spent his life in two worlds, supporting his wife with SZ in her own place, and living his life separately (including a girlfriend) in another place. He had the money to be able to do so. I only bring this up because there are many possible solutions that need to be explored for you. But live YOUR live with YOUR decisions as your dad will not be able to save you when things get too hard for you to live with an unmedicated, emotionally disturbing schizophrenic, only you will be able to. Remember that emotional abuse is still abuse.
Yes I worry friends and family won’t really be there when things go wrong even if they say they will. I love him so much and at the moment he is stable, on benefits and looking for work. But I worry about how things could change. It such a gamble he might keep taking the meds and stay stable, but he might not.
Thanks for sharing this story of the other person on this forum. I wonder how he got on and managed all that and how it came about. I have been thinking about other options such as us living separately but still being a couple. I wouldn’t have enough money to pay for two households though so he would have to be able to pay for himself. And that’s what my sister worries about if he gets into a bad situation and then asks me to move back in as he has run out of money.
But mu husband also wonders if we would be happier together but living separately.
Of course money is a factor, Chai. You are realistic and should be. You have to live with this daily and are desparately trying to come up with a plan that brings some peace on all sides. I’ve been trying to do the same thing for years. And there in lies my mistake. It is impossible to fix them. Go straight to the Lord and ask His will to be done in your husband’s and your lives. Go to the Bible and read it regularly to listen for the response from the Lord/Holy Spirit. You know it occurred to me that perhaps you should have a DNA test done on your husband to see if his schizophrenia is genetic. I can’t imagine you being able to care for your husband and later a child that inherits it. The outcome may have an influence of whether you stay with him or not. Also, there is so much you haven’t told us. Things can change and periods get better with different medication or just lack of stress. I think it really comes down to relinquishing your will, depending on God to give you the strength and wisdom daily to be his caregiver, and living with a servant attitude towards him and God the rest of your life. If you don’t think that’s possible because of all the dreams and goals you had for yourself and your marriage, then it may be time for his family to take over his care and you to divorce him. Just DO NOT base your decision on Fear, or what you think the future holds because only God knows. Base it on love and wisdom from God. Many close family members don’t have the gift of being a caregiver to a loved one. I certainly never planned on this.
Hi,
Thank you. Yes money is a big deal because I’m not rich and his illness makes him not only unable to hold down and find work but impulsive and bad with money. It also is trigger for him even though he causes his own money problems. He runs out of money after being bad with it then shouts and demands more if me because he is terrified when there is none in his account and he realises he has lost his savings. I am very anxious about the UK cost of living crisis. I spoke to my bank about the impacts on my mortgage… it isn’t good news.
It definitely runs in his family even though they were never diagnosed. The behaviour he has described and what I have witnessed makes me 100% certain. It is one of my fears if we had children… but I had hoped a stable upbringing might have better outcomes. I also don’t think I would be allowed to adopt with his medical history.
Oh yes, there is lots I haven’t said. I bet all of us on here could write many books on the bizarre details of our day to day lives… once one delusion ends another even stranger one can pop up in it’s place. My heart really breaks for them, the world must be such a scary place.
@Chai_Tiney_Latte Many of our family members had stable upbringings. Personally, I don’t believe that turmoil causes these issues to “hatch”. But that’s just my experience. Good luck to you with your choices.
Hello. My first post, bear with me. I clicked on your post because we are in similar situations. Except I have two small kids and am 45. Hear me on this: your future is bright. You are young. Do not bring kids into this mess. Get out. Choose you.
Hi thanks for posting. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your situation?
It’s hard as I do still love him and now he isn’t as well as earlier this summer I can see the glimmers of the man I love and his personality. I know that I will be kicking him out without any income too.
Hi. My husband suffered sexual abuse in his childhood that turned him into a violent and angry adult. Right before Covid, he tried to cut his throat in our kitchen while pinning me to our fridge, so that I’d be soaked with his blood. I was five months pregnant then with our second child. He quit his job in the aftermath of that, agreed to get counselling, and then all the counselling shut down. Instead, he spent night after night on the internet with nowhere to be the next day. The day our son was born, before we went to the hospital, he punched himself in the head over and over screaming in anger because I asked him to watch our daughter while I took a bath. Two weeks later the visions started. He was possessed by Christ himself. God was talking to him directly. He found a church that believes in supernatural experiences, and they told him he’d been chosen. He was not sick; he was a miracle. They put him in a YouTube video and flashed a donation line across his face. In March he brought our baby to this church, and I asked him to move out. We were separated for six months. In August, I relented because he threatened to hand our kids over to his church. Last week he came downstairs late at night while I was watching TV and said that there was a demon in the bedroom, I’d invited it in through the TV, God had told him so, and it was in bed with our kids. Now here I am, looking for a support group on the internet. What has happened to my life? The joy of two small kids is totally lost, as I sit here wondering how best to keep them safe. If he would hurt them. Every minute of my life is about him and his mental health. And I hear you, I really do. My 2022 husband looks just like the kind, gentle man I married in 2016. Everything I wanted seems to be right there… but instead there’s a demon cuddling our kids in bed. Strong woman, get out. Stop paying for his stuff. Live your life. Have a family.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear how difficult things are. Have you got any family who can help or take in you and the kids? Is he on meds? Counselling won’t be enough to pull him out of delusions that strong.
I feel bad when I hear from other wives because my story is nowhere near as bad. My husband does not drink, smoke, gamble take drugs and certainly isn’t violent. I don’t feel in danger or unsafe. He takes his meds and does.engage with support (mostly). I am only fed up with him losing jobs though because apparently every workplace there are assassins, spies etc… where his paranoia comes in.
He does take his meds and after going to hospital has a team of mental health health support workers helping him now. Including someone helping him find employment. They are even teaching him to.cook! They even attend jobbinterviews with him. It’s just such a shame they weren’t helping him 2 yrs ago, it would have saved our marriage, kept him in work and prevented the recent hospital stay. You have to wait to.hit rock bottom before you can get the help needed. I’m in the UK so healthcare is free which is a blessing.
I know I should leave properly and go through with divorce but his psychosis is clearing up and I love him so much. He tells me.every day how much he loves me and our pets. He wants to work and continue to.build our life now he is better and has professional help.
The sad thing is… my boss has a husband with same diagnosis, Paranoid Schizophrenia, but is older than me and he is absolutely fine now… has a child, holds down full time work and symptoms.completely in remission for years… so I know its possible for some to get much better. My boss and her family have beaten the illness and are happy and i just long for the same… but she did warn me there had been many difficult times before it got so good
If there is a NAMI chapter in your are, they will likely have a free support group, either in person or online. It won’t be exclusively for wives of schizophrenics, but for family members of the mentally ill. If you live in a large enough area, there may be a support group specifically for spouses.
Thanks Sue. I’m in the UK so no NAMI. There is not a Schizophrenia support group here for the patients so definitely not the family. I was shocked while finding no support groups or social groups for my husband.
We have a ‘carers group’ but if isn’t for SZ or even just mental health, can be anything like strokes or anybtypenof illness. They often run events during the day while I work but at least there is something.
we do have free healthcare here though so I am.so grateful for that. I could not have paid for his medical bills otherwise and I am certain he would have fallen into more phychosis had treatment been unaffordable. At the moment because we are separated his medicine is all free too
Maybe u need to apply for.ssi,.snap, free medical, a free care giver to.come and cook,clean…how.about a house with a adu?. Or a tiny house, fifth wheel,.or assited living place…there r apts.that are for older that are for semi functioning…they go.to eat together, and have some events, peoole on facility,.so.as they get less.functional…
Thanks for suggestion but he wouldn’t be eligible for this. I also can’t afford to pay for this privately.
We don’t have tiny homes in UK and mortgages are very hard for other types of property
Yes, that is putting it lightly. Psychosis is hell for the person who has it, and their loved ones.
It is your choice, and yours alone, whether you stay or leave your marriage. Perhaps you could find some therapist or religious person to help you sort out your own mind on what path will be best. Perhaps just forgiving yourself for not being able to solve your husband’s illness would be a start. You didn’t cause it, and you might not be able to fix it properly for you to ever have the marriage you want.
Short answer leave.
In an equal world, he would care for you as much as you care for him. While the mental illness is talking he can do neither.
It isn’t his fault but he has demonstrated he is only afraid because he is going to loose the punching bag for his financial woes. While you may be right to support him until he finds his own resources, threatening to kill the animals and wrestling the phone off of you is assult. He can and may escalate on a day where things are particularly bad. Then, while he cannot fully blame himself for his actions, you are still the one looking at a mental, physical, and financial recovery, if you survive what happens next. Stay friends if you can and he is stable, but staying in a relationship like this will only leave you with too much risk in the long-term.
Hi Wederington034985, thanks for your answer. I just wanted to say he never tried to harm the pets, he loves them. He was ‘helping’ them because they were depressed apparently. Tried to let them out to play…but obviously me.being rational knew they could be harmed. So I behaved just like mother would, called the cops.with no hesitation.
He knows the police = sectioning even when he is that ill.
So that’s what led to him taking the phone. I think my original post all made it sound worse than it was that night but was trying to keep it short. I also regret my use of the word ‘wrestling’ but I wasn’t quite sure how else to say it. Even in a psychosis he never tried to hurt me anyway.
He is stable now thank god