Boundaries... it's a learning process


#1

As I grow, boundaries have become different and I am trying to find my footing to enforce some and abide by some.

When I was care giving on a more involved basis I set a lot of boundaries with help and back-up of the parents. Those boundaries were so easy, looking back.

We both agreed to never yell at each other, throw things, slam doors, or cuss at one another. We both agreed to go away when asked by the other.

But growing up has changed the boundaries. The original boundaries are so set in habit that they don’t seem like anything. We have built to new boundaries.

I guess my question is… when you care give to someone older and they get stronger and resume a more parental roll, what do you do?

How do you go back into that more subordinate roll with out being resentful or how do you maintain that stronger roll without hurting any feelings or making things worse?


#2

As a parent letting go can be tough. But eventually the parent does have to let go to some degree. When my son starts dating… that will be tough but I will have to step back and let him. I’m afraid I don’t have any advice… I don’t think you should have to go back into a subordinate role. You know how to set boundaries and I’m sure you will handle this as you do everything else.


#3

Thank you for that vote of confidence. It’s a hard thing; letting go. Letting go of being in charge, letting go of the decision making, letting go of that amount of independence and in such a short time really.

I’m letting go of my caregiver roll. If I’m honest, I wouldn’t say I’m letting go as much as my responsibilities are being ripped from my white knuckled grasp.

I would never want it to seem like I don’t fully support and admire how much progress my brother has made. I am proud and thankful and amazed and joyous about that.

People keep saying… “Hey, you don’t have to worry about him anymore. Go be a teen” That is nice. But 85% of my day was dedicated to my brother. If I tried to do now what I did in the past he would be so irritated with me.

I have to find new ways to be there for him. I don’t know what he needs so I don’t know what to do.

There’s no preparation for remission. It is an amazing gift and nothing to take for granted. Wow how lucky are we when it happens. But it was actually never discussed in my support group. I know he’ll say, “Hey kid sis, I’ll always need you around” I’ll be grateful for that.

I’ve read that the lack of stress makes others flourish. I don’t really feel flourishing lately.


#4

I know I am not really supposed to comment on family posts, but I just wanted to say that J most likely just feels like he owes you and wants to protect you from harm. Guys will harm you if you aren’t careful. I know this because I am a 20 year old male and I have heard too many stories from other guys, and young men may not really care about you. To put it bluntly, they just want to use you sometimes, and he knows this because he too is a man. I think him chaperoning dates is too much (you’re like 17 or 18 right?).

I think you should have a talk with him about dating and all that that entails. When I was your age, my parents let me off the leash, took away my curfew and gave me a car and allowance…they knew I was mature enough for freedom, but I was a special case; they knew I was training ridiculously hard to become a Navy SEAL (I was dead serious and exercised for three hours a day five days a week) and they watched me study. I had a 3.9 at a prestigious, international school. As long as you respect yourself, you should be fine. You sound like you are as mature as I was when I was 17, so that’s why I felt like I should share what worked for me when I was your age.

But some men are just wolves and not noble. Some men are like wolves but they are tame and conscientious (me for example), but some men are impulsive and have low self-control.

I know I am kinda of sharing my life story again but I felt like I had something to share, as you sound like you have your head on straight like I did when I was your age. I handled freedom very responsibly when I was your age.


#5

Thank you for the encouragement and straight up post.

I am 17 and he does chaperone my dates. He says he trusts me completely it’s everyone else that he’s not sure about. I have to admit I can see the humor in it sometimes. It’s always an adventure going out with me, and my big brother. I know I have a rather interesting angle at my shoulder. I am lucky to have him on my side.

I know exactly were it comes from. Too many of MY silly friends getting drunk at frat houses, one of my friends at 16, alone, homeless and already with a kid. This does not put his mind at ease. I do have a car, no curfew and I work. I USED to take care of the bills, the rent, the banking, the insurance, the budget, the check book, with help, the taxes and the w-2’s. I’m in Running Start and I’m going into nursing.

My parents let me move in with my big brother as a way to help if the head circus decided to take over. But his head circus seems to be under control. So now he’s self-managing. Which I am so very happy for and proud of. But so lost too. We are really trying to find that balance.

@mortimermouse

Was it you who had the theory of there being no support for remission? Remission can be just as surprising and no one seems to address it?

I think you have every right to post on the family section. Your have a lot of experience to bring to the table. I’m glad you do post here and help people with what you know. Sharing your life story and knowledge is what it’s all about.

Thank you :smiley:


#6

Yeah, they kind of spit you back into society unless you pay too see a shrink. Remission is like having a whole other thing to keep on top of. Any slip and you might lose your job, withdrawal from school and end up in a hospital. It’s not like you have no worries and the illness isn’t magically gone quite, remnants are still there at times.


#7

Doctors do keep tabs on you when you’re entering remission, at least mine did. He said feel free to call and to keep him posted, which I did. I think my doctors are unusually good. My parents invest in the best ones they could find, and I think it pays off.

But it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. There’s side effects, life adjustments, and basically rehabilitation back into a normal life. It is incredible to look at my meds and see how incredible they are. It’s like my god, medication.


#8

So perhaps you have a chance to discover what you like to do, hobbies, sport, that kind of thing? In a way I imagine you have a chance to spread your wings. Maybe its a little frightening since you would have established some of your identity in your caring role! Its about finding a new way to invest or use that energy. Maybe that is what is meant by go be a teenager!
For me, I got a chance to develop my art work when my husband was going well last year. He isnt so well now so my energy has gone back into caring and managing the relationship challenges. But im ready to pick the art up when moments arise again.
I hope you start to ‘flourish’ soon.
Blessings


#9

Thank you. My brother and I are still in transition. Somedays I’m the adult and I’ve got all the book answers and some days he’s the adult and he’s got all the years of experience.

It is a very transitional time for us not only as a team as he gets stronger and more self sufficient. But also as I grow up and transition from teen to adult.

I’m glad my brother is patient with me.