I know some of you may be tired of hearing from me and my story. I’m sorry… just nowhere else to go.
My husband is living at his mother’s currently after a psychotic episode. Sz, I’m sure, though not diagnosed and substance abuse.
At this point I don’t want a divorce. I’m harboring this fantasy of him getting help and medication compliant and sobering up. All his belongings are here.
I am the evil one, the focus of the delusions bcz I betrayed him working for some government agency. I text him a lot… when he is really delusional (most of the time) I get nasty, “leave me the f@#$ alone” texts back with some explanation of my betrayal. Like a stupid person, I try to talk him out of it. He thinks he is working undercover for government agencies in vice and of course, must do drugs to prove he’s one of them. Being unsworn, it’s ok you know.
The last text I got was a few days ago. It went on about how I said I believed him, he couldn’t be emotionally distracted, he has told me what he’s doing and he has work to do and that I should work on regaining my memory (of working for these agencies). His mom lives in what he calls the hood, and my job requires me to do home visits and he knows that I am working with one of his mom’s neighbors. So he also said not to text him at that number anymore, that he would get a new number to me when he gets paid, that his mom’s hood isn’t safe unless I am working, remember the trooper that morning, and ended with I Love You. I understand all of the text except the trooper part. Given all that is in the news, I felt like he was trying to warn/protect me but who knows.
I thought, ok, maybe we are creating some trust. I thought the “dont text until August” meant he was out of minutes. I then found out that he is not out of minutes.
I know what he says now is not him, it’s his illness. I have made it a point to text him nightly the past few nights only “good night. I love you. I’m praying”. No response.
This is killing me. In a non SZ person, I would think, “ok, no contact.” The thing is, I don’t want him to think I abandoned him, I want to somehow put a crack in those delusions, and I want him to get treated. I’ve been thinking though, what if he really means “leave me alone” and what if that really meant “stop texting”?
What would you do? Start having no contact or keep my minimal texts? Keep in mind we are not legally separated and all of his belongings are here. It’s been almost 7 weeks. I think I’m struggling with letting go, “in sickness and in health”, and missing my husband so much it is unbearable.
Thank you in advance