Deliberately trying to hurt me?

Good morning all. UK follower here and I have just found this forum.

I’ve been in a relationship with Katy for 5 years.
She has schizzoaffective disorder. She was upfront with her condition from the start of our relationship. The first year of our relationship was amazing. She is beautiful kind and caring for the most part.

The next 3 years were a bit up and down. She doesnt seem to be able to deal with Anger and quickly resorts to being abusive or threatening to end the relationship. Usually when she doesn’t get her own way. Although she was prescribed medication I was aware she never took it.

She ended the relationship with me this time last year. Her behaviour was getting ever more hostile towards me but never physical. After the split she was then sectioned under the mental health act here in the UK and spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital. We spent 4 months apart when I dated another woman and she dated a couple of other guys.

At the end of July last year she reached out and apologised for her behaviour. We patched things up. She was regular with her medication and things have been great. Aside from 1 instance where again she would get abusive. We spoke after about it and she apologized but equally tried to shift the blame onto me because I had wound her up

Anyway this year in when the Ukraine war started she became increasingly anxious. She became obsessive to the point she would be watching the news all day long. I tried to comfort her and tried to explain I didn’t think this was doing her any good.

She then started looking for comfort in religion but again quickly became obsessive and started being delusional about her role to save people from ww3 and lead those who would follow her to the new world/paradise. I listened to her and tried to provide comfort but at this time it was beginning to take its toll on me.

I then unfortunately caught COVID but Katy was insistent that I stayed with her as she was sure she would have caught it and we can self isolate together. We slept in different rooms and she began to complain that she wasn’t sleeping well without me with her.

One day we had a fight. I’m unsure of the reason as it seemed to escalate very quickly. Again she got very abusive and I reacted by standing up and shouted that I won’t be spoken to like that.
This then provoked her even more and she came up to me. Grabbed me loosely round the throat. I then unfortunately reacted and took her hand and said “go on then. Hit me if it makes you feel better” and struck myself with her hand". I then found composure and apologised and the whole thing dealescalated.

2 days later. She tested positive. That night she wasn’t sleeping and despite my efforts to encourage her to go to bed she didn’t.

The following morning she was visibly in a rage with me so I took decision to go to my place. We texted throughout the day and she was making no sense at all. Calling me gay,. Then talking about religion and just not being herself.

Later that day. She started posting on Facebook. Something about me commuting crimes on camera and then asked what the quickest way to kill a Jew was.

I called the police and put a concern for welfare in. I found out later that night she was taken in.

I’ve since found out she had stopped taking her meds and been smoking cannabis

Since then I’ve had threats and allegations that police are after me. She made a threat towards one of her neighbours. She’s fallen out with her best friend and sister.

She has since been moved to a psychiatric hospital and I visited her and brought her some things. She then told me the relationship was over but could be friends. I explained this wasn’t what I wanted but accepted it. We still spoke often but seemed she was itching for a fight. I also found out she was being confrontational to the staff .

One day she tried to make me jealous that some guy on the ward she had a instant connection with and on another occasion sent me a screenshot of a chat she was having with a guy. Who didn’t appear to be replying to anything she said.

Last Thursday she had a hearing to find out if she could be released but they refused. Things seemed fine until I told her I had to go to bed. She then kicked off. Again was cruel and has since blocked me.

Obviously I care for her and love her but keen to give her the space to get better.

I’m just at a loss to understand why she is being so hostile and narcissistic.

Can anyone give me any insight or share their experiences?

As a person with SZA, I’ll say I’m at a loss to understand why you are ignoring both her and your own advice to give her space. That’s likely part of what’s making her hostile at this particular moment. It’s a cliche, but at times it’s true: “If you love someone, set them free.”

I know from experience having trouble sleeping is often a precursor to decompensating mentally with the next stop hospitalization. In this state she’s in crisis and self-absorbed which would explain what you call “narcissism”, but from my perspective I’d call this misguided self-preservation. As to the why she’s hostile, I’d say it’s because she’s stressed by the war, COVID and her relationship with you and she isn’t taking medication. You’re just on the receiving end because of proximity, and some less than ideal anger mitigation management skills.

She likely didn’t want to be alone while she was decompensating and was doing the best she knew how under quarantine conditions, but was making mistakes because she wasn’t thinking clearly. She has an illness—she’s allowed. That disease can be managed, but if she stops medication under stress and starts self-medicating with cannabis, bad things are likely to happen sooner or later. They may even happen while taking medication from time to time if you say or do things that trigger her and escalate into an argument. A good portion of her behavior can be chalked up to the disease, but maybe it’s possible there’s truth in her objections to you winding her up in the past, since you admit to adopting threatening postures, shouting at her, and playing childish games like hitting yourself with her hand while in conflict.

If you want to continue to pursue this relationship, I’d recommend you step back, minimize contact with her unless she reaches out to you, and in the meantime learn as much as you can about schizophrenia, SZA and caregiving skills from local resources and this forum. I’d especially recommend watching the following video introducing the LEAP method. While you haven’t spoken specifically about a lack of insight into her disease or anasognosia, these methods can be useful in helping people resume medication and other therapies and avoid potential harmful self-medication.

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Hi thanks for the reply
Im sorry I didn’t make myself clear. As soon as she asked for space. I backed off then I would get random nasty messages asking why I’ve ignoring her so I then re-engaged. Keeping things light and friendly with no romantic undertones.

When I was blocked she was fine with me until I told her I’ve got to go to bed. Then next thing I’ve been asked to leave her alone and been blocked.
I have not pursued any further contact since.

And I admit my actions were wrong and I take full responsibility for that. It’s just hard when she knows exactly how to press my buttons and starts making insults against my autistic 8 year old son. Maybe I should have included this but I have taken responsibility for my role in the escalation.

Thank you for the reply and link. It was clear at the time she didn’t think she was unwell or even on Thursday when I was blocked.

I just want to try and becas supportive as possible whilst maintaining my own mental health due to all the insults I have had.

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Hi I am from UK as well. My brother has SZA. He gets abusive not physical. He gets extremely hostile towards me. Also goes around saying things that are not true about me and others. He also went around saying he gay when very unwell. It’s hard to work out if that is his illness or if he is gay. He was in a relationship with a woman and living with her. He told me wants to marry her. Found out her told her they just friends with he was living withher. He tends to tell people one thing and goes tells others a completely different story.
I have no contact with him now as he drinks heavy and bullies and abuses me.
Then again when he was unwell he started telling her she was his girlfriend at the time he very ill believing TV is sending him messages. Takes lots of money off her. She has SZ. Long story it was constantly them fighting. He made homeless decided to move back in with her. Then my brother told me she straggled him. She was Put in hospital for ages
I cut contact as his abuse hostility was too much.
He tell people he do something. They refuses to do what he tells them. He was in hostile and the rule was to keep room clean. He banging his fists off table giving out carnt stand rules
That’s was last time I saw him as all he does is snarl at me. Even when he come to visit open door greet him give him a hug. He just snarls at me given me menacing look. Even on the phone he will snarl at me.
Not had contact with him as couldn’t take his abuse anymore
Out of blue he rang Xmas day snarling at me. When we were children he was physically abusive to me my entire childhood. I always tried to be civil because of his illness. But as he going around telling my neighbours and anyone who listen things that are not true. It causes a lot off trouble when other get involved and believe what he says.
Xmas day 2016 he just abusive bullying the whole day. I just told him to f off. It’s rare I will react that way. He just never stops being mean always trying to cause argument.
I carnt go back into a relationship with him get abused more. Had lifetime of him abusing me.
He bullies a friend of his ex as well. Any he treathen my brother with violence. Carnt get no help in the UK.
If he don’t take his medication .