Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Feeling overwhelmed and don't like my thoughts


#1

Please pray for me. I feel like such a failure! Right now me and my son either scream at each other or don’t talk. We’re stuck in this house together. I’m so tired and the thoughts running through my mind are very dark and becoming too hard to ignore! I know my son’s sz and bpd are not his fault and I’ve tried for 10 years now to help or get him help without anything really working. I feel useless and at the same time I can’t take his psychotic episodes and out bursts at me anymore! I’ve got ptsd from my past abuse and now I just feel like I’m being abused again. I’m sinking. But my heart won’t let me make him leave bc I’m seriously all he has. No one else wants anything to do with him and don’t believe he has a mi. But apparently I’m no good either. I just want to go to sleep. There’s no one I can talk to here. I’m so depressed I don’t even want to shower. What good am I to him or myself? It’s dark in here!


#2

Dear Sheyelo, I hope you get through this difficult time soon.

I want to let you know that I think it is good to take care of yourself, to focus on your own well-being.

I understand that it is impossible for you to let your son become homeless. And that the symptoms of his illness have overwhelmed him to the point where he has become abusive. Is there any safe place for you to go? Since no one else will help him, might they help you by giving you a safe place to stay until you feel better? Would your daughter let you visit for awhile and get away from the abusive behaviors til you can regroup?


#3

I’m sorry things aren’t going better for both of you.

While I’m not feeling as down as you are, we seem to be stuck in a cycle of getting better, then sliding back, so I know how disheartening it can be.

I agree - if you feel like you can’t bear it, look for a safe place where you can rest & recharge.

I’d probably feel exactly like you did if I was in your position. My son is very rarely abusive and I get out of the house to go to work most days.

Hopefully, things will get better for both of you soon. I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts.


#4

My daughter lives too far away and I would worry about my fur babies too much. I can’t go to my parents bc my dad is almost as bad as my son. He is bipolar with a gambling addiction. I’ve thought about seeing if I could find a pet friendly hotel and just go there tomorrow and come back home Monday when it’s time for his pdoc appt. I think that’s my best option right now. Thank you both for keeping us in your thoughts!


#5

There’s bipolar in our families too, and as far as I know, my son is the only one that’s ever been diagnosed with SZ.

Because he stays awake for so long, they think there’s a big mood component to it & the diagnosis may change to SZA.

If that’s true for your son, has he ever tried a mood stabilizer?

I’m still not happy with my son’s antipsychotic regimen. He’s now on the highest dose of the Invega injection he can get & has gotten more delusional, again, since they took him off the Risperdal pills the hospital put him on. I get that - push him up to 234 mg Invega, take away the 4 mg/day Risperdal so we don’t overdose him or give him bad side effects, but it gets old watching him rise up & sink back down.

However, the mood stabilizer is doing a pretty good job of helping him sleep - still not sleeping as much & as regular as before, but he does sleep a full night about every other day - and he’s having very few angry outbursts.

Maybe it would help some?


#6

Sheyola, most of us have been there. You are not a failure as you cannot control this situation. We are all doing the best we can. Going to a hotel is a great plan. I’ll pray for you and your son.


#7

Forgive me for not being on here for a while. It’s been a difficult last 20 days! I now have my mom living with us because my dad blew all their money on gambling!! He called me last Saturday and told me to go get her bc he couldn’t take care of her anymore and he wanted to separate. He took her last $4000 that she had in the bank and blew it. Now she is left with no money. I have managed to get her Social Security put on a direct express card. But she won’t get that until the third Wednesday of next month. As you can imagine, with the change in the household, my son’s bpd and sz is on overdrive!! I’m at the end of my rope and there’s nothing left inside me!! But I don’t have a choice in this matter! I can’t just leave her out on the street or even at their house bc of his suicidel thoughts! I’m afraid he would do something drastic and harm them both. He is on a downward spiral and will either end up in jail or dead! My heart is heavy!! I cling to the thought that God is in control!! But I don’t feel capable of taking care of my son and mom when I can’t even take care of myself!!!

I also feel so guilty for complaining on here bc I know there are so many others that need help or advice from us that have been dealing with this brain illness for 10+ years! A glimmer of hope just to know it gets better. But all I can manage to do these days is ask for help myself!! I’m so sorry everyone!! I pray my strength will return soon and I can start helping others again!! Hugs and prayers to you all!!!


#8

Hi Sheyelo,

I believe that asking for help is a form of strength.

I’m wondering about SNAP for food for a household of three as well as day centers for your mom so she can get out and socialize without spending too much of her limited funds. Also, since she is without resources, she might qualify for Medicaid which could help pay for assisted living for her.

I hope you are still able to talk to the pastor who was counseling you or someone who can listen and give you the care you need right now.

Sending prayers to you and your family.


#9

Thank you @Hereandhere The roller coaster ride continues. Daddy came over and begged her to come back home and she did. So just about the time my son was settling down and getting used to the change, it’s changing again!! As for the pastor I was talking with, well Dusty wanted to become a member of the church and attend the discovery class that is required. I had already been through the class but told them that I would come with dusty and go at his pace. During the class my son raises his hand and asked what their views were on love bc he thinks he’s gay (that is one of his personalities although he does not have any boyfriends or sex for that matter) and he also lets the whole room know that he is sz/bpd! I wanted to crawl under the table!! But he was just being himself and being honest. I apologized to the class leader and she said it was ok that her and the soul care pastor I had been talking to had stopped him in the hall during break and told him that they would be in touch with him so they could discuss those matters privately. He has yet to contact us and it’s been over a month. Now dusty is ashamed and doesn’t want to go back and I’m trying not to let the fact bother me that he hasn’t reached out. It’s the same reaction we get from everyone when you mention sz/bpd or gay. They scatter like we have the plague!! So I don’t know what to do. We can watch the service on live stream which is what we have been doing but it’s still not the same as actually gathering together. And I don’t want to be a church hopper and keep going through the same rejection. It hurts too bad!!

Anyway, for now, we continue to take it one day at a time. His dad still doesn’t want to have anything to do with him and when he is around him he only has bad things to say to him or about him to me. All he talks about is his daughter that got killed and his son who is 17. Both from the woman he was cheating on me with when I left him all those years ago. I just don’t understand men!! Why does he think it’s ok to talk about his kids with the other woman with me but not talk about our kids? And if he does utter a word, it’s always something negative about dusty. Never good. And dusty craves his dads approval so bad!! It’s funny too that he will get so mad at dusty for takin the meds prescribed to him (he says he doesn’t need them) and to this day his dad still smokes pot!! Where does he think dusty got the idea that drugs were ok?? And dusty started smoking pot at about 14 years old which led to harder stuff to quiet the voices in his head. You know, self medicating. Only I didn’t know it at the time!!

I’m so tired of all this!! And I can only imagine what dusty must be feeling. But we have each other and I guess that is what matters most!!

Thanks for listening to me vent and for all you support!! As I’ve said many times, this site houses the only people I know who truly understand!! I just wished someone lived closer to me!!! :hugs:


#10

I think it was good that Dusty was ready to share both things, but I’m very sorry it didn’t go over better than it did.

We live in a very diverse area - I don’t think anyone here would have even blinked an eye here.


#11

ME TOO!! I mean I did get embarrassed for a moment but then realized how much courage it took for him to say those things!! And it’s a shame he was met with the same kind of stigma that he gets outside the church!! It infuriates me to no end!! We both feel like we’ve been banished from society!! Smh! Sometimes I wish there was a place we all could go and live together in our own community and our family members wouldn’t feel alone and have friends and us as caregivers would be surrounded by a support network! Wishful thinking :thought_balloon: :dizzy:


#12

Maybe it’s just the culture where you live.

Here, people are sorry for me, which I hate, but they don’t say anything bad when I say my son has a mental illness.
And, they’d say even less if I said he was gay.

They might mention people they know who have the same types of things, or they might say they do.

I work with someone who lives in the MidWest, in a small town, & it’s completely the opposite.
It’s like it’s a sin to be gay & they’re very ashamed of mental illness. Her brother took his own life & she never admits he has a problem - only tells me she can’t believe how strong I am to deal with my son’s issues.

I don’t like that either. It’s not exactly strength. Anyone who loves their child would do the same thing.
It’s more of a you do what you have to do kind of thing. I might get extremely angry with him from now & then, but there’s literally nothing that could make me turn my back on him.


#13

That is exactly the way it is here!! And I just don’t understand why people think that it’s ok to exclude ANY human being! “And this I say unto you, love thy neighbor as yourself” And the greatest of these is LOVE :heart:️.

I’ve been told all my life that there was "something " wrong with me because I care for everybody and everything and have too much empathy!! When did that become a problem???:question::question:

I don’t understand?? And I swear if one more person says that I’m so “strong”…I swear I’m might just have to punch :fist_left: them


#14

You know as well as I do that they’re trying to give you a complement when they say you’re strong.

But, it is nerve wracking.

I just tell them that it’s not a matter of being strong. It’s a matter of sticking by your loved one through thick & thin, and you’re sure they would do the same if it was their child.

I have no idea what people think when I say that because it generally just shuts them up.
Either they agree & hadn’t thought about it, or they’re too embarrassed to say they couldn’t do it.

And, to be honest, this does make us stronger people, even if it’s not by choice.
I don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s amazing what I consider small stuff now and how amazed I am by what other people think is a major crisis.


#15

I agree! It’s just hard sometimes when it’s his own daddy that won’t have anything to do with him!! Dusty really opened up to me tonight! We had a very good talk. He is desperate for love because all he can think about is my death and what will happen to him then?? And he said that every time his daddy looks at him all he shows is disgust. In my opinion, I think his daddy is reminded of what he did to me when he looks at both our children and the fact that dusty stood up to him when he was 7 and said he was not going to touch his mama again. I believe his daddy still resents him for that.

But all in all, bottom line is I love my son unconditionally!!! And he thinks I’m all he’s got. He must feel so alone.:broken_heart:


#16

Mind if I start saying this too? That’s just the plain and simple truth about the whole thing!!


#17

I don’t mind at all.

My son is also desperate for love & worries about what will happen to him if I die - although I don’t plan on dying for a very long time. I think that combination of things is why he’s gotten to the point he is now. He wasn’t fully recovered, but was very stable for a long time. He isolated, and heard a voice now & then, but wasn’t like this. He even had insight & would up his own meds if he stopped sleeping for more than 24 hours.

Me & his dad are still together, and he has never been physically abusive, but he’s had his moments of being verbally abusive, which is just as bad if not worse. And, I’m not one to take it, so our home would turn into a battleground for short periods of time. I’m sure it really did a number on my son & that’s part of his puzzle too.

However, the more I see of what’s going on with my son, the more sure I am that my husband had a very mild version of what my son has, minus the social anxiety.

Now, his dad gets that our son is very, very sick, but our son is very paranoid about him and most of the trust has been broken.