It’s been a while since I’ve felt this heavy dread and sadness and anger. I still don’t understand phycosis or mania if it’s the same. When my son becomes this way it includes arrogance, insults, non stop in your face demands. No space given no privacy. We are to the end of our patience.Theres no escape We are drowning in his delusional behavior. He entraps us in his web of darkness and we struggle to be free. It is a horrible feeling to hold within . I failed my child feeling this way I hold shame over myself. Forever trying to provide but provision never last. Try to take to meetings but still no help. He has skipped pills now to. Our major support is gone. We are alone in this again and tensions are high.
It’s to much to bear my strength is withering I might fade away. I plead to God my life not fail for if we go who will love our child? We try to stay walking in Faith but we are crawling as bugs and feet are ready to trample upon us with distaste and grumbles. Just another night. Please God shed light. Thank you for letting me write my sorrow without judgement. I’m sure tomorrow will be better but tonight I have to cry
I’m so sorry to read this. You are in your darkest moments and clearly your son is, too. Yet you reached out here to others like me who, from afar at least, wish to shine light on YOU and see you in your struggle. We know you are not the illness, not the web of darkness, not alone, and we know you are wishing for things to be better. Light. You are a tiny light and you know what healthy is and what freedom is and your light can grow.
I wish for you some moments of freedom and appreciation for yourself today. I send you my best thoughts.
I’m feeling so very sad for you. We all have this sadness I think. While my son is more the quiet type with negative symptoms, he does nothing. All day long. He smokes. This is hard to see.
I’ve been crying almost daily for him, his lost life. This disease is gruesome. I don’t live with my son, he lives with his dad. Same town.
We all must cry sometimes, as this disease is cruel. I hope you can find some peace for yourself today.
We hear you. Please vent as you need to because this is a very supportive forum. It sounds like you need help and likely a long break. Please take care of yourself first and be well.
Hi good day. Hope you’re doing well. If you don’t mind, can you define the term you used darkness. Can please elaborate more on it.
Hang in there. This is a tough life but God loves us for trying to care for them.
I understand the darkness you feel.
My son has schizophrenia, he is 21 and refuses to take any oral antipsychotic. He is delusional, hears voices all of the time, and very aggressive. He has broken eight windows in his house, damaged all of the doors, requiring replacement of the three external doors. Huge holes in the drywall. You name it, it’s damaged. He even smashed the back windshield with a hockey stick. He does receive and accepts an injection of Perseris every three weeks. A nurse comes to his home to administer. Unfortunately it hasn’t given must relief. But it’s the best we can do since he won’t take a new medication. He has stolen from me multiple times, has had multiple run ins with the law and yells and swears at the neighbors. He is very manipulative. And like many, he doesn’t think he has a problem. It’s everyone else’s fault, especially his father, his step father and myself. He has an amazing psychiatrist who genuinely cares about his patients. He also attends therapy with his psychologist, but not willingly. The Perseris which is an injectable risperodone has caused him to gain over a hundred pounds. I’m sure anyone reading this is can completely relate. Reading other posts, I can see how similar our lives are having a loved one with schizophrenia.
My question is, how do you keep going? I feel like this life isn’t worth living anymore. Everyday I spend trying to help and manage his illness. He swears at me, yells at me, tells me how he wishes I would die when I tell him no. He texts and calls me all day and night. If I turn my phone off or ignore his abusive messages, he will call the police on me for a welfare check. It has happened over 20 times since Dec 2023. Usually, the sheriffs’ dept will call me first before coming to my home because it has happened so many times.
I feel so trapped and sad. It’s heart breaking and painful to see what he is going through. This illness has destroyed his life. He has no friends, his family has turned their backs because of his threats and abusive behavior. I feel like I am all he has so he expects everything from me.
I am struggling daily to get through each and every day. I have given away a bunch of my clothes, I’m trying to clear some of my belongings, to make things easier. I have a term life insurance policy that was just renewed. I checked through it and there is a suicide clause that says if you die by suicide within two years, benefits will not be paid. I want to leave it to my daughter so she cause use it for a house with her husband. She lives 500 miles away. I miss her so much, but am glad she moved away from this craziness. I don’t want to break her heart, I lost my mom when I was 26, so I know it’s hard to lose your mom when you’re young. But I can’t keep doing this. And I can’t just walk away. I would worry so much about him. I just want this pain to stop.
Oh @Denno, I am so sorry you are living this life and it has consumed you so totally. I can relate to much of what you typed in your post. During my daughter’s psychotic years the police were at my home many many times (more than 30) because I called them, or my husband called them, or my daughter called them. (My daughter was delusional from schizophrenia, my husband from binge drinking alcohol. The police called me “the sane one” to each other when they came to my home.)
I am writing to tell you that at my most hopeless, during those crazy years, I could barely find ways to give myself hope. One time I just got on a plane and left my daughter and husband to their own resources and went to see my sister in another state for a week. I didn’t even tell them I was going: he was drunk and she was crazy. I needed that time for myself to recharge my own emotions.
You must find some time for yourself. Maybe you could visit your daughter if she is 500 miles away?
Thank you for sharing how difficult things were for you, and coming from two loved ones. I’m glad that you were strong enough to take some time when you needed it so badly. I love spending time with my daughter. She gives me so much happiness and she is fun to be around. I can just be me around her and not be on high alert. I feel almost “normal” for a short time. She has given up on having a relationship with her brother. It makes me so sad. She is three years older than him, and she was such a good, protective sister. I find myself longing for those days when they were young. How much simpler things were. And happier.
I am lucky @Denno that both of my loved ones have improved. Not everyone is that lucky. My friend from my daughter’s psychotic days has a son with schizophrenia the same age as my daughter. We were in NAMI classes together. Her son is NOT better despite meds and her care for the past 7 years. She is 75 now and has no ability to provide for him other than in her apartment and she is soooo unhappy. Five years ago she went through all sorts of choices including eventually making him move out. He ended up in a homeless shelter, and she made the mistake of taking him back in her home (from the homeless shelter) for “one night” and he never left again. And she never made him leave again so he is still there in psychosis despite meds. She is so unhappy and wishes she could go back in time and be strong enough to keep him out of her apartment.
I am so glad that your daughter and husband are both doing so much better. I have looked up local Nami meetings and have considered going to one to try it out. Finding this online group is a lifeline because it’s very isolating having a close loved one with psychosis. People really cannot fathom how difficult it is. And you know that people are judging you and your family. The things that my son does and says are so not how we raised him. I know it’s the illness, but you invest so much and you see a stranger. Someone you wouldn’t want to be around.
I had so much hope in the new medication, Cobenfy. He was willingly taking it. With a lot of reminding and bribery. He even said that he felt like his mind was clearer. I hate schizophrenia. I am grateful for his amazing doctor and nurses. But the illness itself has destroyed our lives.
Butterflyinthewind my heart aches for you😢. I could feel your pain and despair in your post and it’s an all too true experience for most of us here in this forum. Know that you are loved, your son is loved and that there is hope no matter what the situation looks like. Please take one day at a time, one moment at a time and recognize what you can control and what you cannot. Each day brings its own joys and challenges but know that you are not alone. Your prayers and your tears are not in vain. It’s a difficult journey but continue leaning on your faith and embrace the smallest joys in life. Please take care of yourself and your son is blessed to have you in his life. Remember it’s not him, it’s his disorder. Love and blessings to you🙏🏽!!!