Any advice? I gave my husband 8 years of my life and we have a toddler. I cant be abused psychologically anymore. I am FBI/ CIA, a prostitute, poisoning him, trying to murd*r him, working in secret with the government to steal his destiny, our daughter isn’t his- which he directly told our 4 years old to her face, Im married to another government spy. When does it end? Should I give up? Im drained😭
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I wouldn’t think of it as giving up, it’s more like succumbing to the reality of living with unrealistic expectations.
Some of our family members living with schizophrenia are able do their part to live in stable relationships and families. Some of them can’t and it’s really unfair to expect otherwise of them.
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The key thing is whether he can get to the point of accepting treatment – i.e. medications. This book will help: https://www.amazon.com/Sick-Dont-Someone-Accept-Treatment/dp/0985206705/.
I think your 4 yo is a consideration about how long you should give it.
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Thank you. He filed for Divorce, said hes starting a new life and moved all of his things into our shed in the backyard. He refuses medication/treatment. If I even try to bring it up Im “setting him up”. My husband is such a sweet and caring man. But hes like a totally different person. This time its different. Hes cold and mean. Told me he hates me and wishes he never met me. Im a witch using black magic against him. I just dont know what to do. Hed breaking our family and throwing our marriage away based on a delusion.
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I am so sorry, for some of our family members, the delusions can grow to be quite strong. The long held delusions seem to become the basis for a belief system.
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Hi. Sorry for what you’ve been going through.
I dealt with all the exact delusions from my longterm partner. I agree with others it’s the illness, and you have to try not to take it personally or be confused as to why they would be doing this. And realize the long-term outlook for them with SZ.
It feels like reality to them while having symptoms. They believe it as much as you truly believe certain things in your reality; and delusions/ or paranoid delusions, by definition, are not easily talked out of no matter what contrary logic or evidence there is.
They only positive actions for maintaining the relationship would be receiving some treatment for the illness; otherwise, you’ll more than likely keep dealing with it as it is, as it’s a condition he has and what you’re experiencing are just the symptoms of it.
I can attest to tension towards you can build up while in a romantic relationship in the long-term (or any close relationship) when they have paranoid beliefs about you. If you came to believe your partner was truly out to get you and a different person than they say they are, you’d likely get more and more resentful and aggressive towards them if the relationship continues, so it can become unsafe.
They think they are who is unsafe, as hard as it is to understand why when it’s not reality based. Because they believe that someone is cheating on them, poisoning them, wanting to harm or kill them, etc- eventually their behavior and actions can become very reactive towards you as if it were real.
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Also, from my personal experience in the state he is in, he will likely not have a change in insight and thinking until he gets treatment. He probably will not want treatment in his current headspace, so the change is only going to come from something like a hospitalization where they treat him and then his symptoms and beliefs can change, but usually only then. There are ways to handle the situation better so they may come to accept treatment themselves even if they don’t fully agree, or something will become dire enough to require hospitalization.
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The reality of the situation is tough. How can you take care of yourself? Safety and Sanity for you is important. Find support!
Contact your NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Institute) in your area. You can go online and find out where the nearest location is. They offer Fsmily and Friends support groups and Family to Family classes to learn about mental illness.
Do you have a support system of family and friends? Does your husband have any family or fríeme he relates to?
Take care
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Delusional thinking, sometimes based on hearing voices, hallucinations, OCD, anxiety, depression….these are not character flaws, they are ILLNESSES. About half of persons with Schizophrenia experience “anosognosia” which is their inability to recognize that they need help. Do a search on this site and elsewhere for that medical condition. The NAMI.org website is one good source for this and other information. NAMI offers confidential support groups for family who have a loved one experiencing a mental health condition. Do a search for the NAMI in your state. Many groups are virtual so it wouldn’t necessarily matter where you live. Find one (or more!) at a time that is convenient for you. NAMI also offers an 8-week educational program called Family to Family. Excellent. The only way I know to help someone who is not able to accept treatment is (1) they hit bottom and end up in some kind of involuntary treatment facility…ideally a longer term program… where an anti-psychotic medication can be introduced and their brain has time to heal (keep in mind, unless this is early episode, which in your case it is not, any one person may have differing degrees of meaningful recovery with appropriate treatment). Learning new ways to communicate with someone who has this illness is crucial. NAMI programs will discuss this, but as mentioned elsewhere, and also in MANY suggestions all across this site, using the tool LEAP (Listen, Empathize, Agree, Partner) as explained in the book “I Am Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help” is crucial. Read it and practice it and read it again. Patience and perseverence is necessary. There ARE many recovery stories. Meaningful recovery from Schizophrenia IS possible. But at the same time, you must take care of yourself and your daughter. You need to have a plan to escape if you ever feel unsafe. You can’t do this alone. Please find support. A blog like this is only a small step in support.
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I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I can only image how awful this is for you and your daughter because you married a completely different person. Most of us are experiencing the exact same thing with our family members and it breaks my heart. My sister and I who grew up so close and tight knit but have no relationship at all now because she really believes I am her enemy. Despite how much I try to show up for her. She’s cut off all communication and to be quite honest, I have no idea where she is or what’s she’s doing. I know it’s the SZ but it still hurts. It sounds like your husband may be filing for divorce and while I hate that for your family, it may be a blessing in disguise. As others have mentioned you have to now set healthy boundaries for you and your daughter to protect your sanity and peace. If your husband is willing to accept treatment (which most times they are not in this paranoid stage), there is hope to get better. This is a long road. Stay strong, seek counseling for yourself and stay hopeful that your husband will be willing to take his medication and get the help that he needs.
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8 years is a long time and treatment is not necessarily the cure. My 47 year old son whom. Had a good relationship with his whole life. He was diagnosed with sz at 17 years old- been through some difficult stages but over 2 years ago he too became a different very scary person. When he stopped taking his antipsychotic. He lost his housing and ended up in jail for a year untreated. They discharged him to the psychiatric hospital and had been there for 7 months- his antipsychotic injections are not helping- he’s in a wheel chair as a result of a psychotic episode he had years ago and somehow lost his vision while in jail. He called me and I saw him a few times earlier on in his hospital stay. It was extremely difficult to see him in his state. They will probably send him to the state hospital because no other facility will take him. Maybe the state hospital can get him stable.I’m in contact with the social worker and his Arnp so I get updates. I’m just hoping to influence his care and let them know he has family that loves him but under no circumstances can we take care of somebody who has violent tendencies. He can’t take care of himself. If he didn’t lose his vision they would have sent him out into the streets already.
I attend Alanon 12 step meeting that helps me keep my sanity and take care of myself. I’ve learned so much about self care and boundaries. Wishing you all the best.
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Diagnosed opinion:
A reality I feel is important for caregivers to come to grips with is periods of psychosis change you—both psychologically and neurologically. Although I’m ostensibly recovered or “cured” to untrained eyes, I’m not the same person I was before my illness and never can be.
I’ve theorized in the past here that your husband’s behavior can be explained two-fold: First, caregivers tend to be innocent bystanders to delusional thinking and feeling. As you sink into psychosis your social world collapses to mostly loved ones and close friends— ie. caregivers. And through anasognosia and process of elimination, disease and your thoughts and feelings can’t be the source of distress— so caregivers and the vast unknowable conspiracy are the usual suspects. Aside from ranting, there’s no way to address and call to task the vast conspiracy, so caregivers bear the brunt of the “blame” and delusional thinking creates false charges they’re “guilty” of. Second, at an unconscious or conscious level, there’s the troupe of diagnosed people “abandoning themselves to the ice flow”. That is: deep down they realize that their loved ones might be better off without them because of their liabilities or disabilities, and push them away or run away to isolate themselves to contain the potential and real damage they may cause. I feel homelessness for many people has roots in this dynamic, perhaps an evolutionary remnant of hermits, monks and shaman of past civilizations.
As others have mentioned, medication is the best path to improving your husband’s situation and Dr. Amador’s LEAP method is a way to nudge him in that direction, but one that can be painfully slow. For your toddler’s sake, I feel separation is your best option. Recovery in a best case scenario such as mine can take 2-3 years with 5-10 to move to the illusion of “normalcy”. As a sibling and caregiver to an older brother with a serious mental illness, exposure of minors to active mental illness can be traumatic. So reducing exposure of your toddler to your husband is advisable. Since schizophrenia can be episodic, you may be able to reduce your child’s exposure to negative behaviors, while increasing the odds of positive experiences with managed visits.
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your husband can get better with Proper antipsychotic medications. it will take time like 1+ years. They say Clozapine is one of the best medicine. may need to add another antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer and other supporting meds..
in the mean time, you need to protect ypur daughter. I would recommend seperation until your husband accepts the treatment and he is more stable. you may get Power of attorney to help him make some medical decisions on his behalf. I would not recommend giving up on your husband! he needs your help!
I have been through all of this with my Son and more!!. he is a lot better now than 8 years ago and hope he continues to improve. he was homeless for a while but thanks God I get him to live with me and he is complaint on his meds but still need more meds adjustment to be independent… I think this is long life illness. I am trying to stay healthy to keep helping my son.
Seek NAMI as other on this platform suggested.
May God provides you strength to deal with all of this!
keeping you in my prayers.
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This is normal sz behavior. Your not my mom, you look like my mom but your not my mom, The FBI and CIA are out to get us, you abused me, your poisoning me etc. So it’s not unusual. He really believes these things and you can’t convince him otherwise. Try to look at it from his perspective - my wife is a CIA agent who is a prostitute and trying to poison me. - - He’s extremely scared as of you. One attempt could be to empathize with him. - I am sorry you are scared of me. Actually, Ithink it’s going to have to come from someone else since it’s you he is afraid of. I’m sure you’ve been told he as anosognosia. Maybe ask him what would make him feel more comfortable in the shed? Would it be best if I stay away from you? Could I leave food for you on the back table and promise not to come out. Have you considered having an emergency medical hold for him so they take him to the hospital. I am concerned.
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