I’m sorry you are going through that. Hopefully you can get counseling for yourself. It is too much to go through something like this alone. Sounds like he is suffering from psychosis.
2 Likes
Me too, and fixed delusions feel more like immovable delusions. I always thought it meant more like fixated - seems to be both.
You made a difficult decision, it is painful as it feels like they are choosing the illness. They aren’t, the anosognosia is blocking them from making any choices.
4 Likes
Ok. I want to first say that I can hear what you’re saying… BUT.
Two points here.
First.
Your concern for infection is REAL. And it should have happened before your loved one started physically removing teeth from their own head. Just one example is a bacteria known as fusobacterium, which, from ROT, can absolutely move easily through the jaw bones into the brain (And if there’s any infection already happening in the jaw/skull area, it is already almost to the brain with no place to go. If there’s any blood flowing in the body then it’s sure to get there. This alone might cause erratic behavior?) That does NOT mean that this is the case. Also, tooth/jaw pain might be the cause of unbearable and non stop and rack-through-the-whole-head physical pain? Physical pain untreated can cause a whole entire variety of behaviors. Pain, that kind of physical pain, coupled with a psychological torture, well… first corse would be some antibiotics. Then… then you can start the true journey!
Second: “Is it love?!?” … when you first knew that somebody that you chose to love was specifically on medication for a mental illness, I’m sure it didn’t ‘register’, right? If you love this person, truly love this person, maybe it’s time to start getting into what and why and how and what type and maybe, just maybe, what those meds were that made them ‘normal’, and how long that’s been happening?and/or WHAT it’s possible they are being treated for. It’s not always going to be them functioning in your world but their own, at the lowest defunct states, everybody assuming they will not function higher. Ever. … NOT TRUE! Because a lot of them WILL with proper therapy, consistency, and genuine love, in my opinion.)
This is not to say that my heart doesn’t go out to those who DO live with the reality of physical brain affliction… you’re Not forgotten!)
As much of a believer as you can be, there’s no such thing as a cure for this. There will be a random day when you see that ‘man’ you fell in love with. Enjoy. Cherish. Make it last as long as you can! Do it with all your love in that moment, because know in the same deep parts that it’s only going to be for a moment… A day. A year .??. (if they have a willingness to see their disease… aka Insight? (Most don’t…)) If there’s willingness to understand a disease, THIS disease, on BOTH of your ends, you will come through. It will just be Different. With an entire different reality than you were expecting going into a ‘normal’ relationship. There’s a new ‘normal’. It’s not glamorous unfortunately!! But it sure as sh** has depth that any of your ‘normal’ friends likely will never know in such a way. Ask yourself what you want out of your life, and then take a hard look at what your life is going to be like with this partner of yours and those dreams you have. It will be ‘different’. Your children will fight their own conflicts as children who grow up with ‘different’. When your heart is in it, you will find answers, but there will never ever again be a ‘you’. There will be a person (you) protecting, side stepping, making excuses, protecting, fighting for everybody else, taking time away from any of your other meaningful relationships in life, making excuses… You will never know the ‘trust’ that many think makes a marriage strong. Accept that you will not know that. ‘Trust.’ Ever. If you accept the disease. No matter how long or well somebody can do, the disease will never inherently let that person trust YOU always. Sadly, as another person posted, there will be a choice. If you see yourself idealistically with the children, understand that the disease IS genetic, it’s likely to pass on… and it’s not a disease that is cured. However if there are children involved… there’s no shame in seeing only their safety and well-being first. In ALL ways. Families are only managed, with your personal work, and your love and your support, and an entire loss to everybody involved who think in ‘normal’ terms. And an entire disregard for yourself.
Until you end up like the rest of us here.
Coming back to remember and be inspired by each other for the small successes today…
Great points here.
Best wisdom doesn’t come from anybody but yourselves.
Keep us posted. Many thoughts and support.
2 Likes
Hi there. I’m sorry I never got back to you. I’ve been extremely down and just moved out of the place we shared and our engagement is broken off- for real this time I believe. Im lost for words and I feel lost in my life - I’m sleeping on a mattress in a place with strangers instead of at home with the man I loved. I know this time is the last time. There is no insight .
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, sincerely. I understand and I hear you. How are you doing today, how are you feeling?
Not well. Crying all the time. Lost. I feel robbed, and then I read these posts and think maybe it’s for the best. He’s so narcissistic in this episode, I wonder now if that was there this whole time, just covered up. I miss him so much. He’s chain smoking now and drinking, and using cannabis and whatever else. Hanging out with pot dealers and picking up hitchhikers. No insight. He says he’s feeling good. I wish I could get angry and hate him. Instead, I am so heartbroken. I’m so sorry you are where you are at. The loss of the future dreams is gut wrenching. Know you have a friend out here, in the dark. Let’s try every day to find chinks of light.
1 Like
New low. My boyfriend spiraling, I think maybe more cannabis use. Broke up with me again, picking up junkies in his car, meeting “girlfriends” and then he came up and assaulted me. Choked me hard enough to leave marks. He’s in jail now and I had to get a protection order. Dead animals in his car. Public health officer called me about his place, stinking in heat. He’s been using yard as a latrine. I’m hoping he has hit rock bottom and will ask to get an eval And get transferred to hospital. Doubtful. He’ll never forgive me for getting him arrested but what can I do? He had to be contained. People were getting really scared. I’m scared. I really really want my old person back. I know it’s over. I’ll never see or talk to him again. I hate this illness. It’s stolen one of the best people on the planet.
1 Like
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. That seems like an awful situation to be dealing with.
What do you mean he is meeting “girlfriends” is he hallucinating?
Did he say anything when he was choking you? Did he realize what he was doing? Has he gotten violent like that before? Maybe he was hallucinating and it sounds like he could be in a psychosis.
Dead animals in his car?
Again so sorry for what you are going through.
Maybe you can call the jail and speak to whoever is in charge and tell him he is ill and to send a pdoc to see about him ASAP.
I understand you want your old person back. Hopefully, with the right medicine that will happen. Also, it’s not your fault that he is sick and it’s not your fault he got arrested. This illness really sucks for everyone involved.
3 Likes
I am so sorry that you are experiencing violence. That is definitely traumatizing and no one deserves that but we both know that not his true character. It’s so hard to be torn between who you know he is and the illness. I understand not being forgiven for being arrested - I am going through the same thing - paying for what I did almost a year ago for having the cops bring him into the hospital… I was left with no choice. I understand.
I have a hit a low as well, I’m not myself and can’t really find the energy to talk to anyone. We got back together since the last time I wrote about 10 days ago and we broke up again last night. There is no insight and I don’t know why I can’t just get that through my head. I don’t know why I can’t just accept that without insight how will we ever have a real relationship ? Everytime we break up he moves on with emotion and finds other girls that he says he has feelings for. And I ask him if any of these girls are aware of the hospitalizations, the diagnosis, the truth- and it’s always no. It feels like I was the girl that was given the truth and I’ve spent more time being a caregiver than a lover. I’ve spent more time in survival mode. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to let go at this time and this is the only safe place for me to express this. I’m sorry for what you are going through - I am right there with you.
2 Likes
@anotherbeliever I’m so sorry to hear this, and I am still in shock and suffering. I’m praying that my BF will realize rock bottom and seek treatment. There’s nothing I can do anymore, and I am mourning him because I know he is enraged and despising me and fantasizing right now how to punish me for calling the police after he got violent. I doubt he will, but I’m sending that positivity into the universe. In some ways, he now has a bed/meals/AC/showers and maybe no substances, so he’s safer now than he was a week ago… I am traumatized and in shock, but one thing a mutual friend said (who warned me months ago about my bf’s potential for violence) that resonated that might help is this: you are a channel for a deep and unconditional love, so why are you choosing to join him in his torture chamber? It is his. You have been there long enough. Come back to light and laughter and friendship and peace. He has created his own hell. You, beloved daughter of God/universe, can exit.
1 Like
He said he hated me and wanted to kill me.
1 Like
Also want to add that I am 100% sure substances are involved. His aggression, irritability, and narcissism are extremely heightened with substances.
1 Like
Hi friend.
I’m sorry I took so long to reply. I know I liked your replies a few days ago and I’m so sorry I couldn’t find the words. I’m in the deep end and drowning myself so I couldn’t give a life jacket to you. I hear you and your story isn’t going unnoticed.
I’m honestly sorry for what you are going through. The sorrow these situations bring is indescribable and only those going through it can understand.
Tell me what’s going on with you now? How are you since the last time you wrote?
Never apologize to me. I am doing a little better, though I miss my person all the time. It’s like a boulder in my lungs I can’t dislodge. I want to hear him on the other end of the phone (even though he destroyed his phone a couple months ago). I am grieving, but I’m now fairly convinced he’s not coming back. He is still in Jail, symptomatic, won’t consent to help. I know that he has co-current personality disorders now, based on reconstructing last 40 years, and he almost killed a girl in SF 30 years ago, and spent a year in the mental hospital. I never knew this. Clearly he’s never been who he made me believe he was. That is so painful. I do believe he loved me as much as he could, until he went insane. But he’s now very dangerous. He will try to punish me if he gets out. He doesn’t want to get better. He wants to be right. That seems to be the only consistency of last 30 years. No accountability. So I guess that helps? I get the saddest when I miss him and want him. I am trying to train mind to shut that down. Slow process. I also am worried about his revenge. But that is always going to be with me. In a way, he has insured control over me. But I refuse to live in fear.
1 Like
I’m right there with you. It sucks but it’s comforting to know … because no one else around me can understand. My family and friends despise him and say mean things about him all the time and I can’t say it enough that they don’t understand. These situations are traumatic for our loved ones but I would say they are traumatic in a different way for us. I am having hard time accepting it is over. When my phone buzzes or rings my heart skips a beat hoping it’s him. Even if it’s to just curse me out - for some reason I still just want to hear from him. That is probably toxic, I mean most probably but it is what it is. I know who he is , and the illness can’t take that from me. I guess we need to remember the good and keep it close to our hearts. I know we will be okay … one day we will look back and realize this was how it was suppose to happen. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now … I’m understanding I need to get some therapy after all of this - it’s so expensive but this situation beat me down. Friends and family are supportive but they cannot help. I hope you find your way, in small ways everyday. I hope you laugh and find peace and I hope your loved one as well, finds peace. Even if it’s not together … I hope the same for me. As hard as it is to admit and to say… it might never work out in this life and that’s the truth. I am the same way … when I think of him and what we had I get very sad … I’m trying to train my mind. I need to trick my mind. I’ve been telling myself that the man that curses at me and does all these things is not the man I love … it sounds bad but I tell myself it’s his very not nice twin. It looks like him and sounds like him but it is not him. The man I loved has gone far away and won’t be coming back … at least not anytime soon. The man I loved loves me too but he cannot be there for me. Like I said it sounds messed up but I have to trick my own mind. Or else I will plunge into depression.
Life is not fair … it was never meant to be fair … sad things happen all over the world all the time … hearts are being broken every minute … death and illness and violence fills this world and it will keep going until the end of this age. That’s not morbid or negative, it’s the truth. So I guess when we realize everyone is experiencing devastating things, we can learn to take the joy when it comes and hold on to the little good that there is. I’m not saying don’t hope - always have hope. But we need to accept the reality. I say these things but I still need to accept it myself … I was blessed to know him - I was blessed to have even shared what I shared with him. Through it all, I would do it all over again. Without question. But I know at this point , it’s probably killing me to stay with him, whether I can accept it or not. I tried to be strong for the both of us but in the game of schizophrenia, i didn’t stand a chance. Love did not cure it.
2 Likes
Hi there, I’ll be doing my own official post later…when I’m stronger.
What has happened with your situation since your last post? I’m in a similar situation with my fiancé…I guess now ex fiancé. He just had another psychotic episode, he’s currently in a local facility. My fiancé had a severe paranoid episode like this before years ago. Unfortunately this is the first time his delusions/hallucinations are targeted towards me. He thinks I’ve cheated on him, that I’m a porn star, have secret businesses and I’m filthy rich but hiding it from him. My fiancé also thinks I had people follow him in order to hurt him. He has called me every name in the book and told me he will never be with me again. I tried all him at the mental facility but he refused to take my calls. Finally today he called me- I was desperate to hear his voice again even though it’s only been 3 days since we last spoke. He was cold, asking me what guy I was with and still accused me of things during our conversation. I told him my heart was breaking and that I needed him to take medication and get well again so we could be together. He told me there’s nothing wrong with him.
His family hates me, they believe his delusions or think I’ve caused his psychotic episode. I don’t even know what his actual diagnosis is…I feel it must be schizophrenia. They won’t give me information because we aren’t married.
I am completely broken. I don’t know if he’ll take medication and recover. I don’t think he’ll ever trust me again. My fiancé was the most loving, kind hearted man I have ever been with. His love seemed unconditional for me. This same man hates me now and doesn’t want to be with me. I’m sobbing as I type this to you.
I hope you are doing better since your last post. Sending positivity and support to you.
2 Likes
Hi raya. I say this with aching heart… welcome. We are here.
Hi Raya,
I was where you are this past summer and I fully know your pain. It is a huge trauma I still wake up with most nights, tho my SO was finally put into crisis center (after police involvement) and agreed to go on medication and see a therapist. He was in jail for 28 days before that, which also helped him get rid of any substances in his blood that were making him psychotic. It was a terrible ordeal and he turned on me, too; thought he was God, wanted other women, hated me; wished I was dead; grabbed me and choked me when I insisted we go to ER, all the classic highlights of mania that, due to instability and lack of insight and drugs (pot and mushrooms) went into full-on psychosis for months. It actually took several police interventions and me admitting he was a danger to me to finally get him real help. It was awful. He was traumatized by jail (because when sane he is the gentlest person). This forum really helped, and NAMI, and now I can say a 14 months after it began, that he is ok, he has a diagnosis, is full or remorse and love for me, and he is still on meds and in treatment. Very depressed (he’s bipolar 1 with psychotic/anxiety traits). So much was lost and trust ripped apart (he also spent so much money), but he did come back. He’s not the same person, and our relationship is not the same, but I see now how so much of the terrible things were like a personality stuck on to him by his illness, as the depressive on is. Underneath is a good, loving man fighting for his life and to be loved. I’m working hard too at self-reliance, at keeping him accountable to his treatment, and to internally aligning myself with my vows to be his cheerleader and best friend and loved one as he fights, but to remove myself if he shows any signs of drug use or aggression toward me again. It’s a hard thing. I really had to let him and our old relationship go, and to forgive the past but truly understand that he can only be who he is. I can trust him to be a beautiful man with a terrible illness that can destroy our relationship (and worse, him!) but not without warning. Right now, we are working on triggers and identifying the warning phase and how to talk to him to help him help himself in the warning phase. It’s difficult. I’m glad he has a doctor and a diagnosis now. I pray that next time he can stabilize before all hell breaks loose, as I won’t be able to hold the hurricane again. As you know, this illness can take a loved one down, too. If you can, spend time loving yourself as much as he loved you (and likely still does under it all). He’s not someone you can rely on, even when he gets well again, but you can still love him.
2 Likes