To be honest im just having a hard time coping and was hoping to let it out and hear other stories, anything - even if it’s not a response to me - I just need to hear from others who are experiencing unmedicated loved ones.
My fiancée, who is now technically an ex fiancée - had an episode and cut me out of his life - he kicked me out of the home we shared - broke off the engagement and has not spoken to me in over a month. He reduced his medication for several months and has been completely off since the summer.
I know that we might not ever get back together because he has held onto other delusions for so long , of people out to get him, poisoning him and etc… he has cut off most people in his life.
The things he has said are so hurtful and of course if this was a “regular” relationship - it would be emotional abuse.
I can’t even write everything but I just wanted a safe place to let someone out there know that I am hurting and having a hard time letting go. This is not the first time he has done this and I don’t think I could do it again - I almost had to check into a hospital myself - I was thinking suicidal thoughts ( no plans)
We had a beautiful and wonderful relationship and I am just having a hard time letting go. Everyone says to move on and more importantly so did he - but i am having a hard time.
Also, does anyone else struggle in truly believing that their loved one is completely sick because they continuously convince you they’re not ? Even though you know everything is not okay . Even after years of hospitalizations and episodes and having to call the police and so many people walking out of their life ? Like his whole family had told me when I met him , he told me when I met him - how come it cannot sink in my head ,it’s like I wanna believe him so bad like my brain refuses to truly truly accept that it’s a lifelong illness - but I know it’s not right ? I pray and I pray that God would do a miracle and just wake up one day and this nightmare has gone - I try to keep the faith . We have been through hell, we’ve broken up so so many times because he leaves and says he can’t feel anything - and I believe him I know he can’t - but he comes back and I love him and I never say no - Its like I accept this toxic situation because I blame it on the illness , the illness …
and I still google symptoms like as if I need to make sure - I’m so heartbroken. It’s been all to much and I cry everyday.
im sorry youre having such a tough time of late @anotherbeliever…just a piece if advice dont take your partners actions and behaviours too close to heart…schziophrenics can say alot of things they dontmean when they are suffering from delusions.
Thank you very much for your reply. It’s comforting to be heard , I appreciate it more than words.
I’ve been told to not let the things hurt me, and I tell myself all the time - which is why I would never leave him, you know. I’ve never left him or gave up on him. I still would never leave him or give up - it’s him who walks away .
But it hurts when he breaks up with me and then says this and I see him on social media flirting with women and moving on because in his head were done but then two months later he comes back … i know it’s the illness but the pain is still there. I feel crazy.
Everytime I get hurt or mad it only last for a day or two because then I remember it’s the illness and I take him back Everytime even though he has done things that have embarrassed me over and over.
I wish social media didn’t exist sometimes because it makes it all the worse.
I know exactly how you are feeling. Today is my birthday and hes so busy talking to himself he doesn’t notice how hurt I am. I went to the store earlier and I was gone for 1 hour. Came back and every door and window in the house was locked and closed. I heard him screaming from outside the house. I went to dinner with my sisters still only gone for 1 hour and he is referring to himself as the 3rd person. He is growling and talking like satan. Filthy disgusting sounds. He takes meds nothing, pulls out his own teeth when they hurt etc. He was hospitalized 2 times last year. The first time on my birthday last year and right before Christmas. He refused all treatment and acted like he was on vacation. He thinks he outsmarted the system but at what cost. I dont know what will happen next. He is very unstable. He heard people in the distance. They are on the next street over and are probably in their pool or having fun. Something I haven’t had in a very long time. He started screaming again saying cant you hear them. They are evil and they are coming here to hurt us. He has threatened me many times and If he touches me - 911.
2 days ago I had a MRI appointment and I was gone for hours. When I came back he nailed the doors shut at my family’s house and he called 911 on me because I ripped my screen to enter the house. The police officer told him he could not do that and if he wanted to leave for him to go. I don’t know what triggered this episode because he hasn’t done much of anything.!
I am sorry that both of you @anotherbeliever and @Laz are going through such active episodes with your loved ones. It is so very hard to deal with delusions and hallucinations especially when the loved one feels they don’t need medicine and that nothing is wrong. And what they say and do can hurt you so badly. I wish you both strength to deal with things and to keep yourselves from being too sad. This illness is a struggle for everyone.
Hi there and thank you so much for sharing with me your experiences and listening to mine. I’m sending hugs your way - I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through, I totally understand you as well. Happy belated birthday by the way. I hope the time spent with your sister was somewhat alright. I’m sorry that a normally celebratory day even if it could be just a quiet dinner and movie - ends up to be a nightmare.
It’s a coincidence that my birthday that just passed was completely awful as well- He woke me up at 5am in our apartment and told me I needed to pack my things and leave the house he couldn’t trust me anymore - we live by ourselves far from our families and I had nowhere to go - he then spent the whole day away doing only God knows what and not answering the phone and then I ended up finding him and then having to chase after him cause he ran away from me into a forest near our house with the keys to the house - I couldn’t find him and sat outside our apartment door for over an hour trying to soothe him and tell him to come home - I then found out he was posting videos of me from earlier that day on his social media. In the videos he was trying to film me for proof that I was acting crazy and in the videos I had no pants on ( I was changing) and I was pleading with him telling him to put the camera down and I was clearly distressed and upset in the videos because he was making me pack and leave the house - in the videos he wasn’t making sense and his voice didn’t even sound like him - so many of our friends and family and classmates saw - I was so embarrassed but couldn’t even deal with the emotion of being me erased because I was trying to take care of him and I was so sad for him. I didn’t even let myself feel sad for myself. I didn’t even talk to my family or friends that day I was so distressed.
That was a long story but I thought I could share and let you know you’re not alone - I know you’re going through different things and our own nightmares but I just want to share that I feel for you and I hear your story.
The person we love is somewhere in there - I know it. Everytime I feel pity for myself I remember he’s experiencing his own nightmare - He has been the love of my life, my sweetheart, my protector and my best friend since the day I met him - he’s the sweetest most caring man I have ever met and I love him and I miss him, the real him - if I couldn’t lean on Jesus and find comfort in Him - I truly don’t know what I would do.
Thank you for your response I appreciate you- sincerely. I always see your comments and find comfort. This forum has been a lifeline for me - a support I’ve needed so much. It’s the hardest thing I have ever been through and the thing is - I would do it all over again. I would relive it all over again every single thing- if it means I could just be with him and near him again. Not having him around is hard. Not knowing what he is doing or where he is at or if he is eating enough is hard. Id take care of him and be there for him through it all and wouldn’t take back one moment - even though it has been a nightmare - because I love him and I never take him for granted. I’m sure almost everyone here can agree that these experiences have taught us true love - whether it’s our son, our brother, our sister, our boyfriend, our friend - it has tested and pushed our love to places we didn’t even know we could give. And we would do it all over again.
I’m in mourning for the man I love, too, and I’m having a hard time accepting that he’ll never come back. Even if he does, I don’t trust it, and I can’t have my kids interacting with him. I know he’s scared and feels persecuted and alone. I’m all he has, and I’m trying to help him get help, but he’s so stubborn. Everyone is out to get him, and unless I do exactly what he wants, I’m the devil. I feel like no one is real for him anymore. It’s all so negative and angry and sad. My heart is broken. This disease has stolen a brilliant, kind, loving man from me and the world.
Welcome to the forum @Gennyg134 . You will find compassion and support here that you won’t find anywhere else.
I truly understand how this disease has stolen your brilliant, kind, loving man from you and the world. I am so sorry. It is normal to have a hard time accepting that he may never come back, or that if he does, you won’t trust it. The paranoia he feels is so very real to him, despite it being totally untrue. Read here, and post if you feel like it. There are many good past threads which may help you understand and feel better. The mourning is real and will go on for a while.
You are most welcome @anotherbeliever . I am glad you find comfort in my words and the other posts on this forum. I feel I was helped tremendously by this forum, and I hope you will be too.
I know. I’m so lost too! My fiance’ is preaching religion to me by screaming it and its 245am. He slept of the afternoon, I dont know what religion this is cause it sounds satanic with f bombs and it’s all scrambled up I tried to go to sleep and I knew something wasnt right cause I heard him wandering around the house. He turned off the main power breaker to the house. Good thing I got up or my food on the refrigerator/freezer would be garbage. He thinks our cell phones are tapped and that I am trying to kill him. I am exhausted and I cant take much more. He makes a huge mess in every room. I practically go around in circles picking up after him. If he goes back to the hospital he will refuse all treatments again This is a nightmare of a cycle and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone …ever!
Agnosia…they don’t believe they have a problem…I’m 3 thousand miles away from my son and due to caregiving responsibilities here I feel trapped…I go every time I get a chance ad ask him to call me but because of his paranoia that isn’t often…I am overwhelmed and pray for better days
Not well. Terrible afternoon yesterday. He is controlling and critical and just rants at me about everything, despite the fact that all I’ve tried to do is help him and keep him safe. He wants me to organize and get him help (and pay for everything) and then gets angry and tells me I humiliate him. He doesn’t see anyone else as real. Everyone should subsidize him and help him because he’s a holy man, and we should worship him, when really he’s behaving so badly. I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore yesterday. I don’t. This is too hard. He won’t go to the hospital, he won’t go to a doctor, he says he’s fine living in his car and I should go live with my kids and their dad and i’ll Never hear from him again. He’s alienated everyone, and now he’s finally alienated me. I’ve cried so much I have no more tears anymore.
I am really sorry for what you are going through. It’s really tough sometimes trying to discern what is the illness in their behavior, especially when it becomes abusive. It seems that there is a need for boundaries. You can’t force them to get help or take their meds but maybe a counselor can help you see what direction you should take. If possible, consider staying with family or friends for awhile. I personally can relate to some of the heartache you are dealing with. It is with us all on this forum. It’s a tough road. I hope you get a breakthrough.
I underestimated just how bad anosognosia is and how strong psychosis is. I made a boundary of take meds or me and the baby leave and my husband still hasn’t started meds—-it’s been months. He believes the diagnosis is a mistake and that I’m the one with SMI. Breaks my heart. I had to choose our child or him bc he wouldn’t take meds. I don’t think our child should be subjected to an environment where he is not on medication. I’m so mad that he suffers from this illness. I’m so exhausted with everything and feel like it’s a lost cause.