My heart breaks for you!
I guess my situation is slightly different. Been reading through many comments and it seems like most people have children with Schizophrenia. I have a husband with it and he didn’t really let me know until somewhat recently (considering we’ve been together for 8 years).
To be honest. I don’t really deal with rants well at all. I sometimes try to re-direct, but I myself suffer with anxiety and can’t cope as well as many of you.
I.e he encouraged me to move countries for the sake of my career and I hesitantly did so. It’s been 6 years now and still every now and again he will have rants about me making him move to a country he never had desire to be in and that he’s trapped here. When this happens I start feeling helpless and I shut down more than anything else. I’m usually able to pull myself together after some time though and then try to make him happier again.
Actually, I just visited this place again due to a rant and felt low. We’ve been working on a hobby project together for over a year and he just started telling me how he doesn’t want to do this anymore and that I’ve forced him to do this etc. It always is my fault.
I guess I cope by going to bed early and thinking that tomorrow he may be different again. That is what I did tonight anyways.
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I’ve wondered how many spouses married knowing their partner has SZ versus developed SZ afterward, but I hadn’t seriously considered this possibility. My experience is if you are largely asymptomatic and you disclose-- people don’t fully understand what it means until an episode.
I vaguely recall a House episode on this subject, but I thought it was a bit of fiction. I guess I realized it might happen, but it’s so far out of my ethical framework that I couldn’t imagine it.
When I rant there’s a bit of an understanding that it’s out of frustration and anger mostly at myself, my disease, or the situation, and unfortunately it occasionally spills over on other people. I try to keep these incidents few and far between, and remove myself from the situation or try to focus on the problem at hand until I cool off.
Elena I feel your unhappiness as this is not what you thought was the man you married. I just want to give you two examples of people who married someone with mental illness.
My son’s ex-wife knew about his mental illness but never experienced an episode with him until after the marriage was 5 years. She knew before they started to get serious, my son was up front with her. However, his psychiatrist didn’t feel that he actually had schitzo-effective disorder, and we did not want to accept that diagnosis either. So for 13 years between his first diagnosis of schitzo-effective, we felt he had bi-polar and that is what we all felt he had. That is until 2015 when his medication was switched. My son’s diagnosis showed up, schitzo-effective disorder. His wife couldn’t handle it and she left the marriage. I do not blame her, but I feel if you really love some one you stick by them no matter. She made a few comments to me that led me to believe that her love was not deep enough to care for him during this time.
Another example is of one of my son’s friend’s parents. His father, an engineer became ill but his wife stayed with him. I didn’t know them, but his father was not actually involved in his upbringing although they all lived in the same household.
From what you stated about rants doesn’t really seem like he is psychotic, possible bi-polar? But who am I to be able to determine this. What I want to say is that a counselor might do you well to talk to. From what I am gathering is that you do love him but you are unable to handle these episodes. A counselor will be able to help you which will be a benefit for the both of you.
I have been dealing with my son’s issue since college at the age of 23, he is now 39. His father had issues too, but I knew very little about mental illness at the time of the marriage. His father’s issues were not severe like my son’s are; married 26 years and did what you are doing per you quote:
I left the marriage. I don’t know if things would have been different if I had the knowledge I have today with regards to mental illness or not. I will tell you though, I did not realize how I felt like I was a prisoner in the marriage until I sought counseling.
Seek counseling for your sake, your husbands and your marriage to help you cope with his issues and your anxiety
i agree with your statement;
is absolutely true as my former daughter-in-law was not able to handle an episode when it happens.
I wish you the best for the both of you.
Hi Elena,
My husband is schizoaffective, unmedicated. He told me about everything on our first date, so I knew what I was getting into…somewhat. His medication that he stopped taking took about a year to be noticeable. Then he started ranting and was negative about everything.
I suffered through this for several years, feeling very beat down and depressed. But then I found a way to ignore it (for the most part…when he gets extremely personal about his rants, I do take offense) and do my best to listen and try to understand what he’s talking about and let him rant until he loses steam.
Yes, every day is different with a spouse with MI and you have to be prepared for that. Do the best you can to follow your dreams in life and not let his negativity get in your way. It is not selfish. You care about him and I’m sure he also knows that.
I am reading that you are in a country that neither of you are familiar with? You might need to do some research to find a place where your husband will feel more comfortable. Is there a community of ex-pats from the country you were from? Is there a hobby he has that you could direct him to a place where others enjoy that hobby? Does he work? For me, as an example, my husband always finds AA helpful and he seeks out AA groups where ever he goes.
Remember to take care of yourself. Nothing is your fault; you are doing your best, I am sure. 
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I am also a spouse. We have been together for 24 years, neither of us had any idea he was schizophrenic until five years ago, and he still doesn’t. We have both been going through hell, but each of us in a different way, and so alone rather than together. I think both of us could handle nearly anything together, but the alone is very hard for us both. I am so sorry for you both. It is very hard.
The rants are so hard to hear, they are day and night, when does he sleep ? it break my heart that he feels like that, now he has added yelling or just plain screaming and other weird noises as well. How do we do this every day its so hard, so draining.
So true. Husband and I are retired and caretakers of daughter with schizophrenia. Everything I read is same story with us. It’s like movie Groundhog Day where same scenario is repeated day after day. I feel so bad for her. She is so unhappy and struggles with being afraid everyday. Her Medicine is not working. Wish I could find magic cure.
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