I’m struggling to write this. Have been trying to find the words for the last hour. I know I’m not in a good healthy place, haven’t been for some time. I’m overwhelmed with shame and actually embarrassed for feeling the way I do. No one knows. Or notices. Maybe that comes from being the caregiver of a ill mam. I’m scaring myself with my thoughts recently.
You’ve been carrying the load of your mam’s struggle for a long time. You might be feeling some depression, I am sorry you are overwhelmed with shame and embarrassment. When I am overwhelmed I try to focus on just doing one thing. What sorts of things do you do for yourself that are just for you?
My friend who teaches Family to Family always advises caregivers to work with therapists to help keep their lives in balance. Its easy for us to become depressed or caught up in grief.
Sometimes it doesn’t get noticed when a caregiver is sad. My friend’s therapist says its okay to lean into sadness or grief a bit, experience it and then go do something else. If we push down our own feelings too much we can become a little lost.
I have a lot on my plate lately. There have been times when I have found myself physically stopped in place. When it happens I tell myself that I need to do something for me. If I take a walk or workout I will get some natural endorphins helping me feel better. When I am at home I work outside in my yard. Sometimes I just watch a movie or read. Shopping isn’t a good option with Covid out there.
Sorry to hear you are feeling down . You can prevent it . You need to try and think positive . Do things for yourself , anything that you enjoy . Its easy to spiral down but you need to try and pick yourself up and know you are a wonderful person . If you can not manage this on your own then perhaps speak with a therapist and release your worries and concerns , it really does help .we all have up and downs but coping with them can be a struggle but you will be ok if you can practise your mind with good positive thoughts .
when you tell the right person… THEY WILL NOTICE
Thankyou so much for replying. I’ve hidden alot about myself for a long time. I do think it comes from my childhood. My mam was severely mentally ill and of course top of everyone’s list. Had to be. Tho that left me as a little girl in the background and I believe that’s where the feeling of not being noticed comes from.
Tho I accept that I don’t make myself noticed. I don’t announce how I feel, never have. It’s a learned belief of not being important I think.
A few years ago I went thru a very traumatic time when someone I trusted 100% hurt me horribly. I’ve had help to deal with it but still that day haunts me terribly. I have never spoken to anyone in my family about it, I couldn’t run to my mam and sob to her though I desperately wanted to. My aunt and nana who believe they are incredibly close to me have No Idea what happened or how I really feel. Have ever felt.
My hurt has always felt less valid than anyone else’s.
do not hide … talk and talk and talk but make sure you talk to the right person.
There is no right person. I know how pathetic it sounds but there really isn’t. That’s why I’m here. I had some counselling a few months ago and I waltzed in looking all glam and full of confident chat and he naturally didn’t want to see me again. Literally a performance. Utter bollocks. But I realise I’ve done that my entire life.
My mind is drowning in darkness at moment and has been for last 2 months or so. I am mortified at even voicing this because it sounds utterly cringey pathetic.
I remember My mood changing and having a sadness a while ago. That became the norm and has only gotten worse. I live a ‘normal’ life. Have a clean and tidy home, cook for my 2 lads everyday, have a amazing best friend who I cherish and am incredibly grateful of.
However I am hiding the fact that I’m consumed with negative thoughts. Actually consumed. I don’t even realise I’m doing it but it’s constantly there. I don’t have any desire or plans to harm myself or commit suicide. Don’t fantasize about how to end it and never ever would. But I think about being gone everyday. Imagining the relief if had never existed.
Your posts struck me on a number of levels. Feelings of my own pain being less valid, dark negative thought places that I can’t shake, carrying on daily for myself and others with no one else to really share my grief at the deepest of past betrayals and trauma with and feeling like when I do voice anything knowing how pathetic it all must be sounding… You’ve gotten some great advice above. Excellent really. All of it.
I found while doing some self-work through a program called SMART, which fully embraces, breaks down and employs the basic principals used in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that I already had a lot of the tools I needed to manage these dark places I’d perpetually find myself roaming inside, alone. All I had needed was a way to identify them. Call myself out, as it were, when I found my mind going these places. Identifying those irrational or negative thought patterns and naming them then rationally bringing myself back.
What I guess I’m saying is, if you can give it another shot, I fully advocate finding a therapist for yourself that utilizes CBT. Remember to be true to yourself always. Importance of self care can’t be overstated.
One particular practice that stuck with me, at the beginning of each meeting we would talk about what we did for ourselves that week INSTEAD OF. Instead of letting ourselves fall into those negative thought patterns or behaviors. Often it’s the simplest of things like walking the dog, riding the motorcycle, planting something in the dirt, washing the dishes, drawing or painting something, replacing the alternator in the truck, playing an instrument you haven’t played in awhile… maybe yours is balancing the checkbook, who knows I don’t judge! (Not my thing but whatever works for you!) I personally like to find a movie, or write, or venture out to see a sunset.
You don’t have to be alone, and you don’t have to do it alone. Keep talking.
I truly hope you are able to find some peace.
This is an excellent group of folks. Keep posting. Let us know how you are.
I appreciate your kindness so much. Thankyou. Very very good advice.
Life is tough for us all and I feel annoyed with myself for complaining. Yet I know that’s not normal! Ridiculous.
I’ve always wanted to give my boys the best of me and fill them with love and for them to grow up knowing that their happiness and wellbeing is of the upmost importance. That they matter more than anything. Give them what I didn’t have.
I’ve succeeded in that since my eldest was born 17 years ago. My youngest is 10. Until last year I’ve succeeded in that. I’ve let them down and myself down. Got myself into a depression and spiralling. I loved my work and no longer in that position. First time in my life I’ve found myself behind on bills and worried sick gonna lose our home as not keeping up with rent. Hate myself for it all. Don’t see how it’s possible to turn things around at present.
Dear me I’m a whinge. I apologise for the draining posts.
Not at all! It’s why we are all here. One of the most valuable things about and I’m most grateful for having found in this forum myself-sometimes we just need to vent. Let it all out. Feel safe and without judgment. Be heard without being criticized. Being able to come here has been some of the best personal ‘therapy’ I’ve gotten in the last ten years managing life with my SZ partner!
It sounds to me like you’re a stronger person than you may be giving yourself credit for. And the kind of person that embodies the kind of Love that it takes to bring your family through anything in this world. And it’s that kind of love that will carry you and continue to strengthen those around you too.
If you already have a general practitioner, it might be worth giving them a call just to request information on local counseling services available. I know that a lot of therapists have opened up their practices to people out of their normal insurance networks during Covid. Usually, there’s a general number to call and they will schedule you a time to video conference an assessment with somebody that will help find and connect you with the therapist best suited to your critical needs weather it’s anxiety, depression, fear, grief etc. Stay strong, stay clear of mind, and please make the call for your own best self care. You don’t have to do it alone!
@Gemmarie, it’s good you can come here to anonymously vent your feelings when you feel you cannot open up to a therapist. However, you mention that you have a best friend, and I would encourage you to share a bit more with them. Perhaps they can help you get over the fear of opening up in person. Finding a good therapist that practices CBT would be incredibly helpful for you, but it will only work if you are going to participate in an authentic way and not hide your true self. I’m guessing you might be a Brit and ‘keeping a stiff upper lip’. You matter. Your feelings matter. You deserve help. Your family if they knew, would want you to get help. It’s not shameful. Good luck, and I hope you do something for yourself real soon.
Hello all, I wanted to check in as I have taken small steps towards dealing with how I am feeling. Firstly the evening I wrote this post and reached out I was at a particularly low point. All the support and advice I received I am extremely grateful for. The following morning I was exhausted and emotional and called my mam. She came straight round and for the first time in many many years I was truly honest. Poured it all out. Everything I have hidden. Including that horrible incident I referred to. We both cried and seems like truly seen each other for first time in years. It’s been a very rough few days and I’m realising that to truly open up and acknowledge myself after avoiding and ignoring issues for years is like opening Pandoras box. It’s out in open. Family aware of how I’m feeling and I have appointment with my doctor on Monday. I know things will get worse before they get better but I’ve taken that first step.
I want to thank you all for responding to me. Thankyou so much.
It’s October now, hope your journey in self-compassion and self-care is going well, and you are feeling more support from your family.
oh dear gemmarie… I can so relate to so much of how your are feeling. I had a low point myself a while back and I was in such a dark place mentally and had a hard time coping with these overwhelming thoughts. Sometimes we can get so consumed by what’s going on externally and we forget that we need to heed the warnings internally of where we are at mind, body and soul. I can honestly tell you that had I not gotten some counseling I would have been lost for good. It takes a lot of courage, strength and vulnerability to be this open with people and there is nothing to feel ashamed about if you are struggling. I can sense that you are an empathetic person. You need to turn that empathy around for yourself and take care of you first and foremost. You are not alone. Sending you big virtual hugs.