Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

How much time should I give my son without contacting him left bad?


#1

My son was sent to a state hospital after 30 days in Psch unit. Upon arrival
Doctor spoke to my son about group home again and giving up his apartment. No one is contacting me from the state hospital concerning closing down his apartment. I have heard many comments when he was first picked up by the police about how shocked he was living on his own. I am his rep payee.
Advice would be great because I am lost and need some help. My son and I parted on bad terms. He was yelling at me and would not let me talk. I just can not seem to connect with him. Should I just not contact him or call and see how he is doing?


#2

Do you have a friend or family member who can check on your son - and get a read on his feelings toward you and to see how he is doing?


#3

I’m guessing he is still inpatient? How old is your son? I don’t know much about conservatorship or being a payee other then having the responsibility of taking care of his money doesn’t seem to include having access to his medical treatment. I had to deal with this a little bit during my son’s last hospitalization. They couldn’t release information to me until he signed a release even though he is living with me and I’m his primary caregiver. My son is 19 so legally an adult. When my son was first admitted he thought I was trying to kill him so I tried to limit the amount of time I spent with him until he got more stable. I saw him almost every day but only for short periods. Find out of there is a patient phone in the state hospital that you can call. If he is able to come to the phone you can then judge if he is still negative with you then decide if you want to visit or not. Even if he is being negative hopefully he will recognize that you are trying to be there for him.

I don’t know if you are aware of Dr. Xavier Amador and his book "I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help."
Please look at these sites:
http://www.leapinstitute.org/ - under resources are free videos on using LEAP
LEAP is a way of communicating to build trust. Listen-Empathize-Agree-Partner.
http://dramador.com/ - Dr. Xavier Amador is a clinical psychologist whose brother had schizophrenia. He is the founder of the LEAP Institute. Wrote the book: I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help! Can buy from his website
You can go to youtube and search Xavier Amador and LEAP and find some hour long free videos.
It’s not as easy as it appears but it has helped me a lot to change how I communicate with my son so that we weren’t arguing all the time at least not about schizophrenia or medications.
The stress of having his own place may be too much for him. A group home may not be a bad idea if he has been to one before and is agreeable.
I would say to try and contact him. Do your best to find out where he is at with treatment and stability.


#4

You should definitely contact the hospital and find out what’s going on. Not only are you his mother but you’re also his payee.

You should also try to contact him. What’s the worst that can happen? He yells some more and you give it another shot later. My mother kept trying when I rejected her during my unstable years, her love has had a strong effect on my life.


#5

He might be stop being himself for a while, living inside his own world no one could understand. For reasons we do not know, he refused to talk to u right now. But he probably would come back to this reality, returning to be aware of what is happening after a few months. It is like his consciousness reemerge and he could be himself again. Please donotIconsider his behavior right now means that he rejects to maintain a relationship with u. It is probably the delusions who do this but not himself.

I agree with Malvok. Please visit the hospital often. Even if he refuses to talk to u, do show up and let him know u are there. If u still want to try talking to him, prepare a little piece of fact, like just tell him u have bring him some fruits, a pair of socks or a magazine. Keep it brief. Facts tends to be more calming. Dont go on to questions, discussion, decision making or things like that.

When he reemerge from the psychotic episode, you will see a different person. It is actually really scary to come out of a psychosis. He would need you to help him.


#6

My son is 33 years old. He has been living in an apartment by himself for 11 years. I am his rep payee and the only person my son wants in his life. I taught him painting and photography. Sometimes he calls me by my first name along with Mom. Problem is he hates his father and wants me to get rid of my husband. Move him out etc. I can not have him living alone with me as his only contact for groceries, long rides, hikes, eating out. I was told by the county hospital that Cliff’s signature there (for me to speak to his nurses in the Psch ward). I was told by the discharge person that one hospital usually honors the signature from one place to another. I have called the ward several times, left messages, etc. I am going to call him today, and yes I do have the number on the floor.


#7

Sounds like good advice. He hates so many people right now and these people are in my life and that time should be with him. When he got out of the group home when he was 22 yrs I did not have a job but I had unlimited gas for my car. We traveled all of the state taking photos. Then I got a part-time job and the gas was no longer free. The my son stopped taking photos and paintings. Then my job became full time. Then my daughter moved to this area with her children and husband. He stated to me that he wanted to do more and that I was too old now. He hates group homes, hospitals, group homes, Doctors. He would be going to a group home against his wishes like last time. He has no insight.


#8

My son used to call me by my name a lot. Still does on occasion when he doesn’t get my attention right away. Mom… mom… Barb… Barbara… I didn’t know right away but later found out that in some ways it was him trying to show me respect by calling me by my name. I hope you don’t mind me asking but does he have reason for not liking your husband or is it that maybe he feels like your husband is a threat to his relationship with you? I like goggles and Malvok suggestions. Just showing up with something, anything will show that you are there for him.


#9

His delusion is that his father raped him. His father put his private on his ponytale and others (people my husband hunts with) I believe he was raped when he was young teenager when he was sneeking out of the house and running with the gangs in a small tourist area on a lake near home. My daughter back then told me that my son had told her about it. However, my son had grand delusions and he said many things that were not true to a councellor. I is a long sad story. The husband’s father ignored him so my husband ignored my son. He did take him hunting and fishing at the right age but my son stated he never liked it even though he had a smile on his face the entire time. My husband was not emotionally available for his children. I was the mainstay.


#10

I hate to say it, but there was a time where I hated nearly every single person in my life except one. I was a ball of pure fury and hate. I was horrible to my family. But they still showed up when they could and they did keep the visits brief. It was just a “Hey, here’s some sock’s so your feet don’t get cold. The phone line is open, see ya”

I was so angry at being put in a group home. But in hindsight, I think it really adjusted my attitude. I remember yelling at one nurse, “Hey, I shouldn’t have to pick up all this stuff, I’m different! I have SZ you know!” The nurse just shrugged and said, “You and every other person in here J and they pick up their stuff just fine.”

After some of that, I had to sort of change my brain. I took a while but the anger finally did fade. It sounds like your son and your husband aren’t going to be friends anytime soon. But you might need to find a way to just be there for him and not involve the husband. Keep them separate. I would never suggest giving up one for the other. But I bet it feels like a rock and a hard place.

I hope your son levels out soon. You have art in common… You might be able to rebuild your connection that way and not involve the husband at all.


#11

Spoke with my son a moment ago. He refuses to sign for me to become part of his treatment team. He still speaks of FBI, the pope, secret service, the Queen of England. He still thinks he is going to his apartment and will not wait in the state hospital for a bed in a group home. The hospital will not talk to me now. My husband will not start to close out his apartment until we hear official that he is not coming back. I also heard SSI will want their money back. I have already paid for December rent. I do not know what to do about it. He said a visit to play some cards would be nice and I said Sunday. I do not understand what he is talking about as to his meds. He speaks of cognitive left brain word salad. this and that. I think I should just give notice to the landlady on Janurary 1st and take the month to move him out.


#12

I know it doesn’t feel like much, but this is a good step. He’ll see you. This is the first part of the way back in. I’m glad there is a first step some where.


#13

I knew my son wouldn’t sign the release at the time I was told about it because of his thoughts at the time. I waited for the right opportunity. One day he asked for my help to get him out and I told him that I couldn’t talk to anyone about his care until he signed the release so he did. Perhaps I should have mentioned that earlier but didn’t think to. I’m not sure how ssi works. I asked a worker when my son was admitted last time if I needed to inform anyone from where he gets his disability. I don’t recall the days involved but that if he was inpatient for longer then I think 30 days that it would affect his payments. Because he is room and board he gets each months payment at the end of the month to cover that month. I’m sorry you are going through all this. I think word salad refers to a way of talking where the words don’t make sense or go together even though they are in the same sentence. A doctor may have pointed out this symptom to him. As J said he wants to see you which is a positive sign. Hang in there. Sending love.


#14

Oh, gosh, my son talks about those same things. He has been in and out of the hospital the last couple of years, and is in his 3rd apartment in that time. I have told him clearly that if it doesn’t work out this time, he goes back to the assisted living he was in for a few months after his last hospitalization, and that he either goes thru their rather extensive independent living program, or he goes to a group home. I am his guardian, so it is a bit easier LEGALLY for me to do this if necessary, but no easier emotionally.

My son also in the past has refused to allow me to participate, but the staff at many places find ways to work around such things. Sometimes visits when he was in the hospital would last no more than 5 or 10 minutes, but at least I knew that he knew I was there for him. Usually when I would visit, he would sit with me for a while, then wander away, and then come back for another short while. I learned to bring a book.

I know it was the right thing to get guardianship, but again, just having the legal right to do certain things doesn’t make it any easier emotionally.


#15

I hate to say it, but I was the same way. I would get distracted and forget what I was saying and sometimes I felt bad that I couldn’t finish a sentence and I felt like I was wasting my parents time just sitting there saying nothing with them watching me, waiting for me to say something. So I would walk away and come back when I could make another sentence.


#16

Yes, that’s how I took it too, I never felt my time was being wasted - except for the fact that I am an avid knitter and crocheter, and I could never bring a project onto the unit!

My son still has long pauses in his phone conversations, I just say, I’m listening, to let him know I’m still there.


#17

Cops hospitals and doctors are money grubbing socialist cover up losers whom ill never trust, ever. Yet am forced by a criminal state to participate in there monetary sucking lies.


#18

We have been playing cards when I visit once a week now. He is to be discharged back to his apartment because he refuses to go back to a group home. However, The ACT Team will be started for him. They will give him all his social work, nurse, doctor at his apartment. He will be observed by someone other than me. I have officially stopped the respondsibilty of being his rep payee. I was doing too much and I was enabling him with his delusions (taking care of himself) I


#19

This is excellent news. I am so happy for you. He gets the help he needs, you have some freedom to take care of yourself and keep your marriage. Without being in charge of the money, and him getting help from nurses and other pros, you have time to hang out with him as a friend. You will be able to talk to him about friend stuff, not money stuff. This will do a lot to rebuild the trust and friendship.

Your news makes me smile. Thank you so much for the update. Just in time for Christmas. :smiley:


#20

I will keep in touch. Your reaction has made me smile as well. I will make you smile again. The photo next to BLUESKY is the first time my son got back into a canoe again. He took his camera and he keep saying “I had no idea it was this beautiful” He took that photo and it means alot to me. Take Care surprised.