My Son Asks Please Don't Abandon Me


#1

My son asks now Please don’t abandon me. He has asked me to seriously consider me becoming his rep payee. He states he does not want Rescue Mission to be his payee. He does not want to go there and get his check. Yesterday during a visit he ask me to seriously reconsider becoming the rep payee again. He got mad if I am of a different opinion. I feel bull dozed again. He also states that he has told the hospital there will be NO ACT team involvement. His social worker hopes his med will kick in more and he will go alone with the ACT team This team would see someone check in on him every day Monday-Friday. This team would be a life saver for me. Even though I work for my family they want to know how much longer will I have to leave work or be late for work because of one of his appointments. I need help and my son won’t even let my husband help. My son needs other people around him and not to isolate himself in his apartment lost in his mind. He needs friends and something to do. I told my son I wanted to do the play stuff with him.


#2

I don’t know what a rep payee is, does that mean that he wants you to give him money instead of receiving it from Rescue Mission? What country are you from? I’ve never heard of Rescue Mission. Is that a state run program? Anyway, for a long time while I had major depression, I tried applying for SSDI benefits, but they turned me down. Everybody kept saying that you have to appeal the decision with a lawyer before a judge–that they turn everyone down at first. I didn’t know how to get a lawyer, and the whole process scared me. It wasn’t until I developed psychosis, and went to a clinic that recommended a lawyer that I went through the appeals process. It was scary. Anyway, applying for financial help like that can feel dehumanizing. It’s like it’s proof that there’s something really wrong with you. But it is a good thing that I got SSI, because my Dad has been unemployed for over a year. Also, my income qualified me as an independent student, so I was able to receive financial aid to go to college. But still, I can understand if he doesn’t want to go on the dole.


#3

I’m not sure what a rep payee is either but maybe they could direct deposit the check into an account rather than picking up the check which for some reason is stressful to him. I think you should get to the bottom of why does he want you to be the rep payee? Is something going on at Rescue Mission upsetting him?


#4

What was it like when you were his rep payee in the past? Forgive me but I have a tendency to over analyze my son’s motivations. I’m pretty sure that if my son had a choice between me being responsible for his money or an unbiased third party he would want me as I would give into his demands a lot easier. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but I consider it to be human nature to want what we want and to do what we can to get it. My son also gets defiant on occasion about not wanting to meet with his treatment team. I try to be the go between and set up his appointments. I remind him about 30 minutes before a home visit as he tries to cancel them. Once the person is here then my son opens up pretty good. I call this my son’s ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Even though he says he doesn’t want to be in the program he still meets with his nurse every week or so. I try my best to keep it light and even tease him on occasion that his ODD is acting up. I think drawing attention to it in a nice way helps him to recognize that I am aware of his motivations.


#5

When my son was in a county hospital and to a group home he eventually timed out in the group home. The group home could only keep him 2 1/2 yrs and he was forced out and thought a single apartment was the way to go. However, he was not ready and failed several times requiring another stay in the hospital over and over. He lived alone never seeing anyone but myself and when he got groceries ( I took him by car) I became his rep payee (meaning his SSI and SS money would be deposited into a checking account and I would pay his bills and give him cash for Burger King. He lives in a country apartment which requires a car to get him places (I am the chauffeur) The reason he needs a rep payee is he does not understand the concept of money… He can add it in his head but if left to him he WOULD spend it all on himself and not have any for bills. I have officially given up the rep payee and what is available in New York State, USA is Rescue Mission for the homeless. They have a service they have been his rep payee ( about $40.00 month) in the past while he was in the hospitals and in crisis. My son needs structure. He can not live with his father and I due to he wants his father out of his life and have only me and he does not want to share me. He needs more and wants more. I have a full time job and when he got out before I was not working. It just is not a healthy situation. I also have major depression and get by the best I can but the anxiety condition I have tears at my insides even though I am on meds. I am almost 60 yrs old. I just can not see how it could possibly work in a single apartment. He is fighting the ACT team involvement with his discharge. His" not longer than 6 months involuntary commitment" is thought to only now be 3 months which startes today the 7th. My son however, thinks that the time spent in the previous short stay hospital and the time he waited for a bed at the long term county hospital is now 3 months. He thinks he is getting out end of the month when it actually starts today. All I know is I want to see my son to pick him up to take photos, get something to eat, visit a musuem. His social worker hopes some more time on the meds and he will see it clearer. My son believes he is in prison. Everybody there is very sick but he is not. He wonders when the FBI will start to pay him for his work so he can have money to go to Italy and become the Pope. There are so many delusions I feel my boundary has been breached and I feel bullied.


#6

My son also resists support services - he wants me to do it all for him - and I am exhausted.

I am his rep payee, that has gone fairly well after he agreed to have me be joint on his bank account. Then I got another account at the same bank and had it set up so I can transfer money from my account to the joint account. I move a small amount each day, and can also see how he is using the money - he uses the debit card.

I just moved my son back to an assisted living setting last week, after another hospitalization. (I am his guardian now, so I can make that decision.) I am just going to refuse to move him again unless the staff there feels he is fully ready. I just cant take the labor and turmoil of him moving into an apartment, and then dealing with other tenants and property management.

I completely understand about feeling bull dozed. My son can put so much pressure on that it can be very difficult to resist.


#7

I believe my son does not want someone else to be rep payee because he wants things to stay the same. I have been his rep payee for 11 years. Rescue Mission did nothing wrong. I need to start him on a path towards maybe a job, friends, etc.


#8

I left my desk in the middle of my first post, finished, and now read this post - lots of similarities between our situations! 3 apartments, at least 6 hospital stays in the last 2 years. Just can’t do it any more.

The assisted living he is in now is private, not run by the state, so his stay can be as long as I want. It is located in an area where there are a lot of interesting places for him to walk to. He doesnt really like being there, but is going to have to accept it. And I think a part of him was okay with going back (he had a previous 3 month stay there) - there is always staff around to talk with if he wants to.

The residence also has an Independent Living program that he could choose to participate in, with the option of someday moving to one of their group homes or even one of their apartments. I’m not going to push it tho. He is gonna have to want it on his own.

Btw, I really do like the image you are using, I remember your explanation of what it is. He has a great eye.


#9

I hope you don’t mind me jumping in sending some admiration to all of you. I KNOW it wasn’t easy for my parents to put me in group homes or assisted living. But no matter how much I begged, pleaded, yes… cried. They stayed strong and said… “No James. We love you, but we can’t bring you home yet.” Believe me, I cried and cried. But they stood their ground. I don’t WANT to admit that I was OK there. Looking back, it was Ok. But at the time… I admit, I was a bit of a drama queen.

You parents are amazing and hope you stay strong.


#10

I do not have the finances to become his guardian. I checked up on it online and it involves alot of money to get it and maintain it with lawyers fees. I wish I had money at my disposal for private assisted living.


#11

I am sorry to all my first post lead everyone to believe I had not been his rep payee before . I have sent a letter to social services stating the ACT team was going to be involved with his discharge when and if. The doctor wants a group home but I guess he can not be forced to go. Unless I do the guardianship, but my hope was to do less not more. I just want to be an outlet so that he can take photos with someone. If he could find someone else to help him with that also would be great. I wish I could hire a friend.


#12

It is a real shame that states vary so much on this. I did not have to pay anything, and the process was fairly simple. I entered the petition thru the county, collected the necessary letters of support and paperwork, my son and I were each assigned lawyers, and we had a few court dates. My son refused to talk with his assigned lawyer, and never appeared in court. I was glad for that, because I really didnt want to be in an adversarial relationship with him.

I first was assigned 6 months ad litem guardianship, then returned and was given full guardianship.


#13

I have tried the “hiring a friend” route, but it has never worked out.

Whatever you do, your son will at some level realize that you are not, and never will, abandon him. You have gone this far with him, I think you are going to continue on with him, tho maybe not in the role he wishes.


#14

Exactly my point. Well, I can check more on New York State. Nami advises lawyer well schooled in guardianship. Maybe I have a chance and it will not be expensive.


#15

I have down loaded Instructions and sample forms for individuals seeking guardianship without an attorney. I let you know. Thanks so much for your help. I am checking in with this website daily.


#16

This particular assisted living is not hugely expensive. It takes most of his SSI each month, plus they apply for a Board and Care grant, from which they provide him $40 / month. He will have a room mate soon I think, but just one. He can personalize his space and have personal belongings. They have a “banking” program from which they can make withdrawals that can be funded by someone else - and a limit can be placed on how much he can withdraw daily. Ideally, I would like him to be in a smaller setting, where he could have some kitchen privileges, but, until/unless he starts making efforts to improve, this setting is safe and comfortable - even if he doesn’t want to admit that!


#17

For me, all it took was to make the decision that it really had to be done, and to make the call to the county office for an appointment to get started. Most important was letters from his pdoc stating that he is severely disabled with this illness, and recommending me for guardianship. The lawyers were very supportive, tho very overworked!


#18

Thank you for your comments. You can chime in anytime. I have read alot of your postings and would welcome your point of view. You have already said so much helpful things to me. I can not get my son to use a computer again. If only he could it change his life. A computer for a shy person is an open window to something outside of one’s own thoughts (delusions). He does not want to come into the world he is setting himself up again to lay around with nothing to do and nobody to see and lots of time to fall into his mind. He has stated “He likes it there”. I feel like I hardly know him. He keeps everything to himself. He lives in his mind, and there he can make it what he wants. I saw that photography and painting got himself out of himself. I think it is a kind of death.


#19

Well, like most things, computers can be good or bad. My son will spend hours and hours researching things - the military, the government, aliens, nutritional supplements. He will believe anything if he decides to - tho not much that I tell him! Recently he started playing some on-line shooter games, which I think increased his thoughts on violence.

Living at the residence requires him to interact with real people. And, tho it is a small thing, he will walk up the the Quiktrip for a soda or a snack and interact with people there, or he can just get out of his room and find someone to talk with.


#20

Just got off the phone with the social worker at the hospital where my son is. She basically told me that with my son being in the hospital does not give evidence that he is mentally disabled and is a danger to himself. She was very firm with me and even seemed annoyed at the whole thing.
She states the only hope is that he sees if by himself with time on meds.
She basically said there was nothing I could do. I would not win or have a case for guardianship.