How to cope with husband‘s mood and episodes?

Family
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Hello everyone,

It’s my first post on here, and I hope to get some clarity and answers.

My husband is schizophrenic, and he had another episode today. He is on medication (don’t know what the pills are called anymore) and takes it regularly. His mood is bad often, saying that he doesn‘t feel good. He gets bad episodes about once or twice every month. Today was one of those days.

A family member of his is sick (for 10 years or longer now), and he worries and feels guilty because we live in a different city and he can’t care for them anymore. My husband woke me up today and said that he wanted to leave, go back home. Then he said that my family and I are evil, we all are lying to him, just want his money, that I‘m taking everything he enjoys away from him, I keep him trapped here, and that I wouldn’t care if this family member died. It really hurt me.

Those things are often said during these bad episodes. I feel like he really means it, even though he isn’t himself or, at least, as I usually know him.

It‘s true that he doesn’t really carry out most of his hobbies anymore, or not regularly. It’s true that I didn’t let him go because I don’t want to lose him, but I also don’t want him going outside alone during an episode like this. I just wonder, after those things he said, if I‘m really the evil one and if those are his true thoughts about everything.

My husband then says that he’s done with me and he won‘t get in touch with me again.

No matter how often this happens and has already happened, it doesn’t stop hurting. I know I‘m not the best help: I don’t know how to comfort him, and it just overwhelms me most of the time. I feel anxious even when he just looks like he is in a bad mood but hasn’t said it yet. It‘s hard to describe, but it has really taken a toll on me.

When he feels bad, he says that I‘m never there for him and am of no help. I don’t know what to do and feel powerless.

How should I act in those situations with bad moods or even bad episodes? Nothing that I say seems to be good enough.

God bless and thanks for reading.

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So sorry to hear you’re going through this, @dara, and remember, you are not the evil one. I think many in this forum will be able to relate to your feelings of anxiety and powerlessness.

My initial thought is whether he needs an adjustment to his medications. Is it possible for him or you to communicate his symptoms to his doctor? Also, are you in an area with a local NAMI chapter? They will typically have support meetings and classes that I’ve found to be helpful. Also, in terms of communicating with him, the LEAP method (What is LEAP? About the Method and LEAP Training Program) is a good place to start. It’s been helpful in my household even when my loved one isn’t experiencing symptoms.

I hope you are able to regain some peace in the coming days.

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I agree with @amysfo that his meds aren’t being well-managed. Does he see a psychiatrist on a regular basis to have them adjusted?

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My husband hears voices and swears they are real. He says they are ex friends and they have hacked our cellphones/wifi/security system on our cars. I have tried talking to him and helping him but some days are really bad we have been together 32 years and the past 6 have been HELL. I can’t get him to go to the DR. He had a mini stroke about 5 years ago but he says it has nothing to do with the stroke.

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Thanks for your comment, and sorry for the late reply. I‘m not sure what he has told his doctor, but the doctor doesn’t want to seem to change anything (been his doctor for ~20 years now).
He just tells him to take more or less of his pill, but my husband said it doesn’t even help and that he has recommended this many times before. I don’t understand why the doctor doesn’t want to try and prescribe a different medication.
My husband now has a new doctor near us, but his old doctor didn’t give us his medical records, yet. So the new doctor can’t do anything as of now.
I haven’t heard of what NAMI is before this post. I guess it is something only for the United States, as we are located in Europe.
Thank you for the link, I didn’t know about the LEAP method and just tried to read different articles on how to act, what to say, etc.
It‘s been better, but bad mood is often still coming through.
Thanks so much again for comment.

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Thanks for your comment. He sees his old psychotherapist every few months and his new one every 3 months, for now. His old doctor still manages his medication, but never really changes anything. He doesn’t really adjust it, just tells him to take more, if he feels bad, and then go back to the regular dose of medication in 1-2 weeks.

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That sounds horrible. I’m sorry for what you‘re going through. But it‘s great of you, that you are there for him and try to help as best as you can. I hope that your situation will turn around again for the better and that he will see a doctor asap. Stay strong and I‘m praying for you.

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Does the new doctor agree with the old doctor’s meds?

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Yes, @dara, NAMI is in America. I don’t know if there is anything similar in Europe. NAMI offers support groups and classes for caregivers and those affected by mental illness.

The book I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help by Dr. Amador is likely to help you understand your husband more. I hope your husband’s new doctor gets the past medical records from the old doctor soon. Seems strange to me that the old doctor won’t release them. I hope that gets sorted out.

Of course it hurts when your husband says mean things to you. It sounds like his delusions about you are pretty bad when he is in an episode. Please try to be kind to yourself and realize you are putting up with the delusions and hallucinations of schizophrenia which is very tough on family members.

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Firstly, thank you for sharing your story. I feel as though I should share mine as well. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 wonderful years, and been best friends for over 25 years. I love him more than life itself and he is the one person in my life I could never bear to lose. He is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, although he also suffers from severe depressive episodes accompanied by suicidal idealation, and at times crippling anxiety. He has had a very difficult life, being in foster homes, being adopted, dealing with short lived difficult relationships, and having a history with addiction. I myself have lost many loved ones over the years and have at times dealt with depression and alot of self image and self worth issues. I only have a few family members left, and they were not ok with me moving in with him or even being in a relationship with him… so this has also caused much anxiety and difficulty in my relationships with them. I know they love me and want the best for me, but I also feel as though they should respect my love for my partner as well. I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago.. due to his depression, extremely low testosterone, possible vitamin defficiencies, and being mostly unmedicated… our intimacy has been very greatly reduced, and he seems to also be struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, and having difficulty staying to any routine. So, not keeping up with doctor appointments, labs, not consistently takings his meds, and not having motivation to even really get out of the house much. I want to be clear on the fact that he is a very kind, loyal, loving, compassionate, sweet, thoughtful, smart, fun and funny, wonderful man, and we share all household responsibilities, as well as love all of the same things so spending time together is amazing. We have had a wonderful romantic relationship as well as friendship. Over the last 6 months or so, he has been dealing with crippling depression, and has relapsed on drugs several times… the most recent time though was on crack cocaine… it has sent him into addiction, and has made his symptoms skyrocket. He has days when we is the most loving sweet husband to me, days when we’re more like friends, and days when it feels like he absolutely loathes me… I do my best to stay level headed, try not to take hurtful things personal, and make sure he is eating and drinking, talk with him and be loving and supportive, and take care of him and his needs to the best of my ability. I am currently his live in aide. This time in particular though, he has been adamant about ending our romantic relationship.. which he has mentioned before during episodes, then later apologizes and assures me was just his mind feeding him lies.. but this time he is very convinced that I hate him, that I’m “one of them”, that I’m playing games with him, that I want to give up or leave him, and has said I’ve said and done things that I haven’t. It has gone back and forth between him being somewhat stable and our relationship being perfectly fine, and then him having hallucinations, being delusional, angry, and wanting to leave… it’s like bouncing back and forth between polar opposites. I have been trying to convince him to go to the hospital for detox and psych treatment… but so far it has been unsuccessful. I am severely depressed currently, feel absolutely drained, and have no idea how to proceed from here at the moment. I am trying to just give him space by staying in my room, and praying that things ease up. I love him more than words… I just don’t know what to do right now… thank you and I’m grateful there is a place for us to connect with others in similar situations. Does anyone have any advice?