Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Sick husband that leaves every time his episodes begin

Me and my husband have been off and on for 20 years. I really believe it has been off and on because of this illness. He was diagnosed mild schizophrenic back in 2010. He has been in a mental facility once and vows never to go back. He will not accept that he is sick and I am the one sick. He will not get on meds.

Every time the voices start I can tell the signs. Headaches, not sleeping, catatonic state just a shell of who is he and starting to find other girls to abide to his illness. When he goes full blown into episode he usually leaves me and starts a complete different life. Manipulates the situation like I am cheating or lies about what all I am to him. He believes everything he is saying and there is no changing his mind on the situation.

Recently I moved to Florida to start a new career and he was supposed to come shortly after I got everything in order. During that time period of 2 to 3 weeks he found another woman again to abide to his illness. It is like he is on a high when he gets like this. I am the enemy he hates me even tho I am always the one there for him.

He quit his job for the 401K check and moved in with his mom at 40 years old, stopped seeing his kids on a regular basis. It is like he destroyed every thing we built in 2 weeks. Now he has this other woman believing the lies about me and has her going on his good guy routine. I say routine cause it is like a broken record player of what happens each time. He starts to push me away if that don’t work he starts getting physically violent, leaves, start new life with new girl, slowly removes all reminisce of me in his life.

Now I am in FL he is KY and he has blocked me on all social media, he has stopped all communication even tho he is still driving my car around and using the phone that we have together. Always the same thing he says he is happier now and he loves me but not in love with me anymore.

Look I know this man I know the man I love and loves me would never do any of this to me. I wish I could unsee the illness and just think well this is what he really does want. But he always comes back he always finds his way back to me. I want to be strong enough not to let him come back after this. I have been down in FL by myself starting a new career, and dealing with this horrible illness. It is like everything he does he does to hurt me!

Sorry you are going through this. These things are so emotionally charged. I hope you stay strong and stay on your own. They say relationships are like dancing. Let him keep dancing and you can stop. I know it’s hard. Pamper yourself. Go out and meet some new people and find healthy relationships.

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Only you can decide how much you can take if he will not take meds that would likely help him function more normally. I suggest to give it some time apart, decide what you can tolerate, but know that without meds, something will most likely fall apart again. I wonder if he could have bi-polar illness, instead of SZ? Remember that the illness is what is most likely causing this erratic behavior. You can excuse him because of the illness, but you cannot control his choices. I am sorry that you are in this situation but I have heard similar scenarios described by others. Perhaps his physical absence (the drama of it) will be helpful as you focus on your new career, at least for now. Best wishes.

mental illness is truly one of the hardest things between a marriage. it is so hard and i know it seems impossible to let him go because it may seem youre leaving him without any help, but you have done it seems like everything you can to help, its okay to let go. it seems you are enabling him a little with the phone and car youre still paying for unless hes paying insurance and stuff on it maybe you should withdraw your name from it to cut your ties from him… just a thought. im so sorry you have to go through this and im sorry for your kids aswell that isnt easy, best wishes!

Update: I have took the car away from him and the phone. I feel like if I remove myself from the situation he has to focus his mean negative thoughts to someone else besides me. All that he does right now is hate nd anger towards me. He really believes I was cheating and nothing can change his mind of that. I sometimes don’t even think he remembers who I am. It is like he has totally erased myself from him. I do plan on keep going forward in life with or without him. He is so manipulative when he is like this. But I know what is really going on with him. I been thru so many episodes of his. Just needed to vent and let some of this out. I really don’t like to tell people what is really going on with him cause then they start look at me like something is wrong with me. That is what he does is blame everything on me. I asked him why he couldn’t come down here with his wife he said cause of his sanity. That tells me he thinks I am the one making him sick. If I remove myself then who makes him sick then? I am hurt, Confused, sick and tore down with all emotions.

This is the right form for venting, encouragement, advice and support! It breaks my heart to hear of the struggles, but you have gained wisdom in living through this. Take care of yourself. By doing that, and enforcing boundaries, you are actually doing what is best to help him in the long run, if anything will help him.

He has completely removed myself from his life. He blocked me on all social media now and will not have nothing to do with me. If someone acts like they are taking “my side” that we both know he is totally disconnected from them as well. I have seen pics of him that he is taking it is like a demon has taken over his body. He is very disheveled and very flat looking, no life at all. My husband cared about how he looked all the time. He took very good care of himself. This is not him!! People tell me he is a shell of who he once was. It is so sad to watch from a distance and know what is truly wrong with him. Worse feeling in the world is not being able to help him. I cry a lot and just try to get over this grieving process. Will he ever remember me and who I was to him? Will he ever come out of this? How bad does it have to get before he understands there is a problem.

There are NAMI ( support groups all over the country. If you can locate one close enough to attend, you might find that a way to help you get through this. I know it has helped me and you can find other resources on their website. Having a family member with SZ includes facing the loss of once was and what we had hoped to be. It doesn’t mean we give up hope for something better for our loved one or for ourselves, but we learn that we cannot fix everything.

I feel for you,my husband ran off,after months and months of his behaviour getting worse,I had to move away from him,but got him a house round the corner,he was supposed to keep visiting,it started with he didn’t arrive one weekend,and just send on the Monday morning with a very red face I lost my wallet,well things got much worse after that,of course I’m to blame he has been telling everyone for everything including his lack of sex with me,he ran away last time I asked for a kiss!!!terrible tempers,no talking to him,thinks I’m unwell ,not him,and medicated except abusing alcohol etc,for some years,good luck it’s heartbreaking watching this awful alter ego take over

He called me restricted the other day just to let me know he got a new car and got a place with her and I will not keep him down any longer that he bounces back. Now he quit his job for his 401K check and got only $6000 dollars how long will that last with all the grandeur living that he is living you know being so happy and all? She has no idea what all is in store for her when stuff goes down. He has absolutely no contact with me except restricted phone calls, and says I am trying to manipulate his aunt saying he is sick. 20 years I have dealt with this illness. I know what is going on with him, I know it is not about starting over and not about being happier. It is the illness that has taken over. He has another complete side to him when he is like this and that part of his life doesn’t have me in it at all. I know I should not have put up with it for 20 years off and on in our life together. I do love this man with all my heart and that part is what keeps me hanging on knowing he is sick.

You have learned to see the illness as it is what affects the person. You might want to seek counseling for yourself, even as you are to some extent letting go of the things you can’t control or fix.