I always remind my son to get outside for the sun, the vitamin D. I don’t think he’d ever go outside unless he had to! But he lives with his dad so he gets him out a little. Otherwise I’m sure he wouldn’t. Kills me!
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You sound a lot like me – and actually, many moms. The terrible sadness, the wistful memories. I also try never to let my son see me cry. I don’t live with him. He lives with his dad, my ex, but I’m only a short drive away. When I spend a few hours with him, when I get in my car and start driving away, I always cry. I think most of us know what you mean about the memories of your sweet little boy. I think it’s one of the most unfair things this illness does to us, to not be able to really look back and feel pleasure, knowing we did the best job we could and now our beloved is a successful person, married with children. No. We look back and feel tremendous heart ache and longing for that child. I can’t look at photos very much. I had an adorable pic of my son when he was three years old as wallpaper on my phone. Had to change it one day because every time I saw it, I’d well up.
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Yes, everybody does say that, take care of yourself. I know that’s what we should do, I know stress is very bad. It’s just hard, though, at least for me, to be a healthy eater, get enough rest, exercise, etc. I have always been very healthy and took care of myself. But I’m not very good about it now.
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Is it just me or do you all go from feeling inadequate for not setting up enough structure in your loved ones lives to feeling guilty for trying to live your own life. It seems like I’m always questioning should I be doing more when in reality it’s all up to him whether he wants to recover and is able to do so.
I know I’ll never stop learning about therapies and treatment that might help.
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I always think I am over the crying, but then there will be a day that brings me to it again.
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Thank you so much for this. I’m overwhelmed with sadness most days and can barely keep my own life together let alone help my son. For the most part, he’s doing well, but it’s so hard to see the “forest for the trees”. It could be worse. My hope to God is that things get better. I like your idea of a guardian angel. My grandmother firmly believed we all had guardian angels. I’m praying for my son’s for guidance and hope.
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I don’t want to start a new thread, but want to mention this… I decided to take a little leap of faith, and agreed to my son going to a concert of a band he loves. He is not going alone - a co-worker of mine is going with him - someone who will be fun, but also watch out for him. My son has interacted with him in the past. I purchased tickets for both of them.
I’m a little anxious about this, but, he wanted to go very much and I hate him not getting to do so many things.
The concert is tomorrow - cross your fingers with me please!
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Okay - here is the update - IT WENT WELL!!!
This is reported by my co-worker this morning: They stopped for coffee before the concert and my son’s conversation topics were his usual stuff about ‘tall white aliens’, the M-5, and his dad’s impending business success that will make him a billionaire. My co-worker is cool enough just to find the range of topics interesting and didn’t freak out.
At the concert my son was highly focused, punched the air with excitement, and took lots of pictures.
YAY!
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That’s wonderful he wants to go out! And how nice of your co-worker! I wish someone could get my son out. Maybe some day … let us know how it goes.
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Yay!! Sorry. I didn’t look for an update before I wrote my post LOL! So glad it went well!!
The sadness is crippling, that’s true. I don’t think there is anything like it. We’re in a category of our own, aren’t we?
That YAY says it all for me. Your hope before the concert was that he would have a good time. He did have a good time … and your hope was met, and probably exceeded, and you feel great. For me, that’s what it’s all about, that tremendous feeling that your loved one has achieved something incredibly rewarding, no matter how big or how small, there’s nothing else like it.
So glad your son had a good time. Keep that feeling going.
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So very beautifully written … I’m sure many of us can feel your pain, I know I do! And there is so much of what you’re experiencing, that I can say I had written it myself. My son is 29 Dx paranoid Sz at age 25.
Thank goodness i havnt told my son i hate him but i have thought it many times. He is so absolutely horrible when he is sick, which he is at the moment after coming off his ap meds. He blames me for everything wrong in his life and goes on and on about the many mistakes i have made as a parent. His anger scares me and i resent him for the constant fear and anxiety i have to suffer.
On the other hand the sadness is always there knowing the struggle he has. The days of crying are a regular feature of life. Guess i am fortunate there are better times when son is more stable and at least he doesnt use drugs and alcohol aswell. I am thankful he has been given accommodation - i definitely couldnt survive him living with me.
I could say dont feel bad about feeling and acting negative because sz is a hateful condition that is sometimes too much to bear for families. But i havnt managed to stop feeling bad 12yrs after sons paranoid sz diagnosis! All i can say is you arent alone.
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I’M lucky that my son tells me nightly that he loves me even though during the day he yells and blames me for everything. This keeps me going
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Thanks. I’m feeling horrible and this helps a lot.
Every now and then I just need to release the grief. This is how I hear “Yesterday” by the Beatles.
Yesterday, all his troubles were so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly, he’s so different than he used to be, there’s a shadow hanging on to him.
Oh yesterday came suddenly.
Why he had to go, I don’t know, he couldn’t say.
He did nothing wrong, now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, life was such an easy game to play
Now he needs a place to hide away
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Why he had to go, I don’t know, he couldn’t say
I did nothing wrong, now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, life was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh how I miss his yesterday,
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Ok , Hope. Now you have to go listen to something more upbeat. Even a happier Beatles song! “Yesterday” makes everyone cry. Try "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."
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Hi Jan:) I had noticed the number of hits this thread has tallied, and thought about how often they say the biggest personal problem a parent who has a child with mental illness often has- is their unending, unacknowledged, grief.
I think we have to acknowledge the grief ourselves from time to time. If I don’t, it will let itself out- like it did in the middle of a trip to an art museum in New Zealand. A choir was performing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and I couldn’t stop crying. I never have been a big crier, but occasionally, when its a really bad day, or when its a really good day, I will cry.
When I first found out that both of my children had a terminal kidney disease, I had to wear sunglasses all the time to hide the tears for a couple of years - anything could start them up. Parents have no control over the tears of grief for their children, there is no comfort for us. Over time we learn to live with our grief better.
I know better than the allow myself to wallow in grief.
After I typed that out, in case it might help others release their grief. I cried as I reviewed it, closed my laptop and went on my merry way.
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I’ve heard it described as a never-ending grief.
Did not mean to offend anyone.Believe me, I suffer that grief, too, even though we are no longer together.
Please don’t lose yourself to the grief, though.
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