I hope you are feeling better since April. I feel what you are feeling. I am right there with you. You aren’t alone.
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You are a strong person. Your posts resonate with me.
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I am leave from work because of my anxiety and depression. I agree with you that it would be great to just be sad and let it out but my work insurance is paying for therapy and all they want to do is “fix” me.
Can you connect with a different counselor, in my situation is not “fixable” best to hope for is doable the my son stays on his meds and remains stable on them , do you have a church community or friends who can just listen and let you cry , sometimes just crying and praying the Psalm 13 and journaling with each verse helps me , having a right rant at God let’s him know your sorrows and he already knows but it does help prayers on your journey
Debbie Cox
No, I have to use the counselor paid for by my insurance company. I do not attend church but I do have wonderful friends and family. I try not to talk about it too much except for a select few as I can see it makes some people uncomfortable. I also belong to an in person family support group which is done by phone currently due to the Covid situation.
Also NAMI has some great support groups, see if there is one in your area
Debbie Cox
Ive been diagnosed with schizophrenia since 2002, one thing to know is that it can be controlled and there are now new medicine with relatively no side effects. My question is where in the heck does beast come from. What I did that ultimately saved me was pray for my life and pray for all the right things God exists, and we must not rely totally on medicine, this is a mental, spiritual ailment and the course I took to look for God was what saved me. Thank you
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This thread can help when you are feeling sad.
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I’m trying to find some happiness in all of this. Trying to find my way back to being happy someway somehow. I want to smile again. My heart is shattered and I’m trying to piece it back together. Has anyone been able to smile and feel truly happy again. I don’t want to feel sad the rest of my life. My only child with SZ. Single mom doing it all alone.
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Hi @Ihavethevictory I too have been doing it alone for over 20yrs. I wish I could tell you its not a sad and lonely road. However there are happy times when things are going well with my son, or even small things, such as enjoying a day out or the company of a friend.
If you are in the early days, if u are anything like I was, u are in a state of shock and constantly tearful. This does get less intense as you start to accept the new normal. It was years before my son accepted his illness and that he needs the medication but everyone is different. I can only say find out as much as you can so you understand what to expect. Dont rely on the doctors to tell you what you need to know.
Take care of you, if you have friends that will help, even though they will not be able to understand what u go through. If you can find others who have relatives with sz, such as support groups, that will also help.
This site has been a godsend to me. I dont post much, but sharing other peoples journeys can be a lifeline.
All the best to you.
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There is a strange joy in a shared pain. We are the 1% who live with this awful diagnosis. It’s easy for me to start pretending that life is going to be normal again. But it never is and my hopes for our son’s return to independence, joy, stability, and passion for living are routinely doused with pain.
This forum and all of the amazing lives represented through our separate yet shared suckiness- have helped me more than any ‘normal’ human may ever understand.
We buried my mom yesterday. And my 21 YO SZ son was a challenge throughout the experience. But in the end, we found clothes to fit him - which he agreed to wear (not easy!!), and despite a last minute refusal to be a pall bearer, was pretty good. I did have 4 hours total travel time alone w him (I try to spare my wife and 2 other children from these experiences, so they traveled separately), during which he once again shamed me for not embracing all of his beliefs (new world order, flat earth, nasa, pedophile cabal, Illuminati).
In my mind, it is always like withstanding a lashing. I take and take and take the bizarre topics. How I’m a fool. And why his life is so hopeless. While I’m also mourning the loss of my mom.
Double suck. But through this incredible pain - maybe because of it - a simple act of love or kindness means so much.
This is a forum to find such love and kindness.
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Iam happy you find love and kindness, there are great people on this thread with a wealth of knowledge, sorry for your loss, happy you survived it with your son and family 
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@Sando So sorry for your loss. At my parents funerals it was the same thing, worrying about sons reaction to various relatives and not able to deal with my own feelings. As you say, it sucks 
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I’ve decided our situation is like doing max intensity emotional interval training ALL day.
Today’s Circuits: Managing the normal stress of the loss of a loved one; combined with managing the stress of a potential episode at any trigger; combined with managing the returning pain as I see my friends and families children acting ‘normally’; and then managing my emotions as everyone keeps asking me ‘oh, how’s Stone? Wasn’t he supposed to be a pallbearer? Where is he working/schooling? Has he gained weight? (Ie, not punching everyone).
Repeat Circuits above in parallel until you pass out, die, or wander off muttering to yourself…
On special days add circuits of financial stress, marital stress, sexual frustration, and overdrinking; also, get actual physical exercise or alternatively, add a Guilt Circuit to your emotions.
Max Interval Emotional Training. Not for wimps.
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@Sando Sando, I am sorry you lost your mom. You are such a great parent, your mom must have been a great parent.
I used to say that the nice thing about my other’s son’s autism was that we could count on the autism. By that I mean it was an established constant in our lives. We would know the pitfalls of any event and could plan ahead of time for struggles.
Boy, do I feel you, In the neurodiversity that is scz, often the diverse is capitalized. Similar to dementia, things can be different from day to day. Our days of celebration and our days of sorrow can end up in the background. I am so sorry.
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Sando sorry for the loss of your mom. I just got back on this sight because of my sons refusal to talk to us. It’s been three days now. He just won’t talk Or respond to any questions.
I read your post and it was like my own son. The Illuminati etc etc. when my dad was dying he only came to see him once and when he died he left the funeral service. Just awful. I cry all the time and am sad that my only son is sick this way. Im so tired.
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Thank you. Sorry I just learned how to reply on this platform. It’s been years. Nothing has changed. I’m trying to stay strong. Tears are my constant companion.
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Sorry I missed this thread as well @Sando, my much belated condolences. I can relate to the frustrations of navigating a funeral with a SMI as an unwelcome extra pallbearer. My brother exceeded my expectations too last December, but when you expect the worst, there’s nowhere to go but up.
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Sorry you’re back but not really sorry! This forum is a place of peace for me. Most of us have gone through periods of (relative) peace - and then often return to the storm. Knowing there are others that share this similar fate helps me power on.
So I’m sincerely sorry your son has cut u off. But I’m sincerely happy you’ve reconnected. I pray peace for you and ALL of us today.
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Your comments are so well expressed, and so many of us can relate to the situations that your son’s illness have thrust upon you both.
Best wishes.