Songs can make me burst into tears without warning. "Yesterday" by the Beatles, especially so.
Was there something that you loved to do before his illness? When I couldn't stop thinking about my son it worried me. I finally found just one thing that I could think about that put him out of my mind for a little while. My mind needed the break. My life preserver was something I was deeply passionate about that requires all my concentration. While I know I will never get my life entirely back, I have gotten some of it back.
As parents we have losses also. We don't just lose our children, we lose a part of ourselves. Some book I read, I don't remember the name, had the line "I will survive this, I will be changed forever, but I will survive". I identified with that line. I was able to accept I was changed and would remain changed. The old me will never be back and I do miss the old me, I was definitely more fun before;) But I will be okay and I need to be okay to help my son. I had to embrace the changed me. Probably a good thing because it looks like I am stuck with this version.
The first time in years that I really enjoyed myself and really laughed again was with another mom whose son had scz that I met at Family to Family. Not right away, so many people were in such deep crises in the class, but later when I started loving my son again. I had always loved him, my handsome, smart, sweet athletic, funny son, but I needed to love him with his illness the same way. That has been the biggest relief of all, to feel the same way about him as I did before his illness was apparent. I once told a doctor, before I knew what was going on "this is not my son".
I know now, it is my son. He just has an illness and that illness has caused him to lose all those old adjectives for different, less attractive, adjectives.
As his illness grew and I, cluelessly, struggled to figure out what was going on and how to fix him, I began to isolate myself as much as his illness was isolating him. Turns out you just can't say to other people, no matter how good a friend they have been - "hey, my son bought a gun and I don't understand what's going on with him". I asked my best friend what she thought and she just brushed me off saying I was making too big a deal about it. If I ever see her again, I will tell her, it was a big deal after all.
My siblings don't know. They aren't supportive people, they just argue all the time. My son's illness would just be fodder for family gossip or a big family argument. Just my mom knows. I can't blame the scz for the loss of my sibling relationships, refusing to take sides in their arguments did that decades ago. In my family, there is no neutral territory.
We parents can't let schizophrenia take our lives away, we must resist.