Penelope you are right, there will be better days. Just remember that and realize that you don’t have to have all the answers right now. They will come when you need them to come. Refuse to get in the middle of their relationship. Just try to maintain and preserve any bit of relationship that you can with your son. You are not alone.
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Thanks mom2. I think whats upset him this time is that i told him i cant solve their relationship problems. Think he saw it as a rejection.
I have always struggled to be firm when i should have, mostly out of overcompensating because he has this terrible illness to deal with, but also sonetimes out of fear of his reaction. I def think its good advice that i should keep out of their relationship.
Thanks again so much. As you know this can be a lonely road so your responses are appreciated.
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The MD stop my son Risperdal on Sep. 2016. He has a part time job and paid $26 per hour. He still have the Suplements since May 2016. I have noticed his light symptoms came back about 6 weeks ago.
He can’t sleep well (Insomnia), eat less and smoking a lot. He told me he made a big mistakes at work. That’s worry me a lot.
I start to research relapse and drug withdrawal methods on Google.
I found Insomnia and relapse symptoms are common but you have to deal with it.
I have changed his supplements right away as follow:
Morning
Niacin 500mg Time Release 1
Fish Oil Omega-3 Gold 2,600mg 2
MK-7 90mg 1
NAC 500mg 1
Magnesium 200mg 1
Vitamin C Time Release 500mg 1
Vitamin B-6 Time Release 100mg 1
Vinpocetine 10mg 2
B-12 Methylcobalamin 500mg 1
Methyl Folate 400mcg 1
Evening
Vitamin D3 5,000IU 1
Vitamin E 400IU 1
CoQ10 300mg 1
Vinpocetine 10mg 2
Calcium 1000mg Magnesium 500mg 1
Zinc 15mg 1
Vitamin B-2 100mg 1
B-12 Methylcobalamin 500mg 2
Vitamin B-1 100mg 1
Selesium 200mg 1
Vitamin C Time Release 500mg 1
Supplements are must taken with food. He has sound sleep the first night and after. I noticed that he has improved a lot lately.
I check every supplement carefully to make sure it has not stimulated with Dopamines. I still have Risperdal on hand in case of emergency. He was off medicines as MD directed over 5 months.
But I will keep medicines at least 5 years.
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I watched Dr Frese’s video. Very inspiring and gives me hope for my son’s recovery! 
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Wow! Beautifully said! I’m crying my eyes out now of course. I feel every word . . .We who have this in our life know that melancholy you speak of. My son was diagnosed in 2013. He was 25. So I’m still crying a LOT!
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Believe me, I do want him to come visit me but he hasn’t been out here for two years! He used to come see me all the time when he was still driving, but probably shouldn’t have been because he was starting to have fender benders. Then he continued to visit after his hospitalization and diagnosis, with a ride, or I would go get him. I don’t remember exactly when he stopped coming here. And I have chicken’s. He used to clean the chicken coop. One day he called to say he wouldn’t be doing it anymore. 
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Although my son is stable on his meds, and I am grateful, I am finding it very hard to not be resentful that while I am working 4 jobs, he sits home all day watching videos, tv, smoking, throwing up (cos of smoking cough) and making a mess that he doesn’t clean up. I come home often at 8 or 9 or later and have a hard time not bitching at him! I try to point out what I would like him to do, and he did come and clean his toilet when I showed him the poo on it, but there is always so much and I get so overwhelmed. When I smelled he had been smoking in the house, I triggered a psychotic response when I said he couldn’t live with me if he was going to do that. It is his #3 boundary behind taking his meds and not hurting me. He smokes in his dad’s house which is surprising - cos he is so anti-smoking.These years of being patient and waiting for him to grow up (he is nearly 21 going on 14) are really trying.
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Thank you so much for this reminder - I needed to read it today
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I too have experienced "Ambiguous Grief "or “Enduring Sadness” and “Chronic Sorrow” (thank you for those words @daquilamarguerite)…and I need to feel that way sometimes, as I experience joy and renewed love when I remember him as a vibrant child with the world at his fingertips. I need to see him in those ways sometimes to remain diligent and strong.
I would like to add a couple of words to your list above, @slw…
They are a series of words attached to my son:
RESPECT for the COURAGE my son must have to face what he does each day. ADMIRATION for the moments he makes better choices in spite of all of that pushes him to do otherwise. Lastly, I will add GRATEFUL to my list, GRATEFUL that he finds a few strands of what must truly be the same HOPE/TENACITY I have, and ENDURANCE to his. I am GRATEFUL for his ability to ENDURE this awful illness.
Lastly, LOVE…although he doesn’t express that, that is on my list. I could not do this without the LOVE I have for him, truly…and unconditionally.
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For us its a few different factors. The first is that on the spectrum of disability our son is pretty high functioning. He says he takes his medicine so he stays out of the hospital, so he has insight into his illness. Third major element is probably his act team that aids in medication and overall health maintenance and also takes us out of the role of medication enforcer. His diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia. Aside from the initial psychotic episodes he doesn’t have auditory or visual hallucinations his problems are mostly behavioral. Also when he finally got awarded disability (it took three years and three attempts) he was able to become somewhat independent with lots of help from us. I think this takes the stress out of living in our home so he can lay loud music, smoke cigarettes and generally live how he feels comfortable, its taken a lot of the friction out of trying to live under the same roof. We still struggle especially with substance abuse and finances. He takes a class or two at the local community college with pretty good results. Its not easy and things could be a lot better but considering what some family’s are dealing with we feel fortunate. We accept that It could change at any moment and try to take things as they come.
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Thank you so much for this reminder! It is so hard to have empathy when I have no idea what he perceives as reality.
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Schizophrenia may cause by Neuroinflammation and gut baterias. Risperdal can help reduce neuroinflammation but it’s not cured. When you stop it for a while (3 to 4 months) the problems appear again.
This is why the relapse rate so higher.
The patients are intend to smoke a lot to help brain cool down. Actually, it makes worsen.
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To find reasons are painful. But solutions are not so hard.
He reduces his smoking from 20+ cigarettes to 5 cigarettes in 3 days. He is cool now. I still need to observe him for few weeks.
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My son been fired due screaming at work last week. Screaming is one of Risperdal withdrawal symptoms. Even he stopped the Risperdal over 5 months ago, he still screaming one to three times a week. But this time he screams at the wrong time and wrong place. (google…screaming and risperdal)
He drops his cigarette number to 2 pieces average each day. He said he felt much better than before. He can study now.
He told me he didn’t feel pressure to scream anymore. I wish I could start the new therapy weeks earlier.
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I think I am done crying, that I have accepted this new reality, and then I start crying again. I feel so bad for my husband because he hates seeing me cry. My younger son told someone that all I do is cry. So I try not to cry in front of them anymore. I tell myself that this is not productive. But it hurts. My son was diagnosed last month after 3 hospitalizations and 3 suicide attempts because he is the new jesus in the fourth dimension and he needs to die. The seraquel helps him, but he tells me it just quiets the thoughts enough to ignore them. But he writes in a book saying he needs to die. We have upped his medicine , so hopefully this helps. Sorry. It’s just so nice to have understanding people to help me. My husband loves us all but he still struggles with the fact that our son should be working and making money. He doesn’t really understand the seriousness of this illness.
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It took my husband about 10 years to accept that our son had a real mental illness - it wasn’t faking for attention, it wasn’t that he needed a girlfriend, it wasn’t that he was lazy, it wasn’t that some secret abuse had happened when he was a child. I hope your husband gets there.
My son’s new-ish thing is that he’s Jesus too. These past few days, he keeps asking me why he hasn’t been crucified yet.
I just keep telling him it’s a nice idea to be like Jesus, but he can’t be Jesus, and that I know because I’m his mother. And, that he hasn’t been crucified because he’s not supposed to be, and it’s not going to happen. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Yesterday, he asked me if he was human or not - that he was afraid he wasn’t. Once, it was phrased as “Am I an abomination?” Later, it was more of a statement - “I’m afraid I’m not a person”
Our family is not religious at all by the way - He’s picking this up on his own, but I’m being told that’s common.
Upping his meds should help. Seroquel wasn’t effective for my son at all other than he said it gave him a mellow little high. Zyprexa in the past would snap him out of anything within about 48 hours at first - then again if he had stopped taking his meds. It stopped working for him very well about a year or a little more ago, and now nothing is working perfectly - still trying to get a good mix going.
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My grief has finally given me peace - most of the time. Now the uncontrollable tears come much less often but they are still uncontrollable. Most recently while I was visiting a museum a choir began singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. My tears just flowed and flowed. I stayed outside the hall and just let it happen. Its such a deep heart piercing grief to lose what our children were to this illness. “Yesterday” had the same effect a couple of months ago. The pain stays just as deep for me as it did originally 4 years ago.
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My son is doing well on seraquel , but he held out his pinky one day and said mom eventually the meds will stop working and I will get worse so you need to pinky swear that you will let me kill myself. I said honey let’s deal with that when and if it happens. Yep it sounds like everyone has had a rough go of this. I’m so happy for this site. Thank you! 
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It is quite a shock and one that’s not easily gotten over because of stigma and lack of understanding. This illness is so complicated that even the experts say the same thing such as everybody’s different, let’s try this, let’s try that. It’s a long journey.
It’s great that you’re close to your son. I hope you can keep that closeness and trust. There have been small victories in this illness. It wasn’t that long ago that people thought it was caused by a refrigerator mom. The books that are recommended here on this forum have been good. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple years and there still is so much more to learn.
Take time to grieve because it’s normal to feel sad. I pray you’ll be able to move forward and through it with grace and understanding. I know in the beginning and probably for the first year I cried every single day every morning. I tried not to let my son or husband see it. I started walking for exercise and to help me sleep better and found it to be wonderfully therapeutic. I love walking in the woods in the country and try to encourage my son to join me when I can.
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This would be an excellent time for you to hug him and reassure him that people do get better with medicine and live productive lives. I hope he is one of them.
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