Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

How to live with a man who has schizophrenia


#1

I am sorry for asking, because I am not sure it’s correct way. We met online on a dating site, talked for a few months. I did my best to entertain him, every day something funny, interesting, because it was immediate connection between us. We decided to met, but he didn’t show up five times, then was talking different, depressed I thought and I asked.
He said he has schizophrenia and it was first relapse, how he said, since meeting me, because he was afraid to tell me. He was surprised being very happy in our relationship.We met and he wants us to live together at his home, it’s different city and far. What it is? I love him and ready to try, only after reading about it from other people make me think how make our relationship work and if is possible to have healthy life together.


#2

I would try living in the same city so you could visit often before just jumping in and living together. Going from almost never seeing each other in person to being with them all day every day is a big change and hard for anyone to get used to.


#3

I would ask him and be very certain that he is med compliant and that he has a psychiatrist that he sees at least once every 3 months or there might be real trouble.


#4

I have schizophrenia. I met a man online 8 years ago and married him 2 years ago. He’s pretty normal and has no reference for my expriences. Before getting married and moving in together, I didn’t tell him everything and thought I was controlled enough to be fine. My therapist actually advised me not to marry, sayng “are you sure you want to put him through that?” But I love him very much and I married him. It’s been difficult for both of us, and especially for him. I don’t make sense sometimes and lash out at him. I sometimes can’t show affection, and am not loving to him because my mind is elsewhere. I go days without showering, have rapid mod swings, and times when I just need to isolate. I feel guilty about not being who he deserves, but I’m very lucky because he’s been very supportive. I guess I would tell you to study schizophrenia, ask him lots of questins, and try to imagine yourself in some difficult situations. I will say that I love my husband very much and I am grateful for him. I wih you all the best!


#5

@murka

No need to be sorry. (And may I ask where you live?)

Piles of research show that sz pts tend to get “better” when they…

  1. Get a copy of this book and read it and have their families read it, as well.
    http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Schizophrenia-6th-Edition-Family/dp/0062268856

  2. Get properly diagnosed by a board-certified psychopharmacologist who specializes in the psychotic disorders. One can find them at…
    https://psychiatrists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

  3. Work with that “psychiatrist” (or “p-doc”) to develop a medication formula that stabilizes their symptoms sufficiently so that they can tackle the psychotherapy that will disentangle their thinking.

  4. The best of the therapies for that currently include…
    DBT – http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
    MBSR – http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php
    ACT – https://contextualscience.org/act
    10 StEP – http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html

  5. the even newer somatic psychotherapies like…
    MBBT – https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system
    SEPT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing
    SMPT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensorimotor_psychotherapy

  6. or standard CBTs, like…
    REBT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy
    Schematherapy – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy
    Learned Optimism – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism
    Standard CBT – http://www.beckinstitute.org/what-is-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/About-CBT/252/

  7. If you/she/he needs a professional intervention, tell me where you live, and I will get back to you with leads to those services.


#6

How many times have you met him, in person?

When was the last time you two got together, in person?


#7

I’m with Erratica. I would get to know him better and try at least living in the same city like LED suggested.

People can be a lot more put together online than they are in real life sometimes. That doesn’t mean that you should give up on him. Just get to know him better. What’s the harm in waiting?


#8

I would heavily advise that you spend more time together before moving in together. Your outlook on this illness has been very naive and unrealistic since you’ve started posting here, and you should get a bit more educated before you make such a huge commitment.

A lot of us can appear fine and healthy for short periods of time, but we can’t sustain that all the time. If you live together, you are going to very quickly start to see the ugly side of this disease. Spend a lot of time together in person first. That might be hard, because you live in different cities, but try for at least once a week for six months or so.

The fact that he cancelled on you five times before finally meeting probably means he doesn’t have great control of his illness, and didn’t want you to see him at a low point. But it is important for you to see that side too before you agree to move in, so you know what you’re getting into.


#9

VERY much agreed.

cc: @murka


#10

I think it would be very hard for you. Yes, you should spend time getting to know him a lot better. I would say this to any two people - much more so if one is schizophrenic + the other isn’t.


#11

Hi Murka,

Online relationships don’t allow the participants to really get to know each nearly as much as relationships that are in person. So having a 5 month online relationship is not the same as a 5 month relationship in person.

I have learned that moving in with someone early on in the relationship puts a lot of strain on the people in the relationship and on the relationship, itself. Problems that come up, as will happen, are harder to solve, and because both so heavily invested in the relationship, emotions will run high. This can bring about relationships that swing dramatically from wonderful to horrible and back, over and over. I think it is much healthier to let relationships develop slowly, like letting a plant grow naturally. And the relationship has more of a chance of lasting, that way.

Also, just moving to a different city is hard in the best of circumstances. After moving, one starts noticing all the things that one counted on but took for granted. One’s support system is not there, and that is a big thing. And it being far away means you can’t zip back for what you find you really need.

So, moving in with a person early in the relationship creates stress, as does relocating to a new city. Doing both at once doubles the stress. Add that to one person having schizophrenia, and the stress doubles yet again.

I think that it really helps to build a healthy life together by building the foundation, first. So I recommend taking Nami classes and reading up on schizophrenia, and letting your relationship develop over time.

Whatever you do, I wish you well.

ILoveMySon