Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Hurt feelings and anger... how do you get over it?


#1

I’ve read many gracious and loving caregivers here who have said that when their loved one is in the height of psychosis… they (the care giver) understands that their loved one is not in their right mind, so they forgive and move on when their son/spouse/ parent when the wheels fall off.

but It’s got to hurt. I for one am very grateful for my parents patience and willingness to forgive and move on. But it had to be heart breaking. Caregivers are people too, with feelings to hurt and hopes that are dashed and fingers that are crossed…

I’m really struggling with this situation. My youngest brother is due out of hospital very soon. This is just building up in my mind to epic proportions of chaos and destruction. I am at a loss for word’s to describe how over the top angry I am at this guy. I’m also ashamed of myself with how angry and cold I’m feeling towards him. He’s been diagnosed as bipolar 1 and I haven’t even spoken to him personally in a while. I’ve dropped off socks, I’ve talked to the nurses and got caught up through our parents. But I’ve yet to look him in the eye.

It’s been said that I should keep the hand of cautious friendship extended. I agree. Logically, when I’m sitting here, at my desk, drinking my coffee, I completely agree.

But then as the day gets going, my logical side fades and I just end up being angry and wising for very horrid and inappropriate things to happen to this youngest brother. Not cool.

How do you let go of the anger and tap into that well of forgiveness. I’ve learned how to let of general anger and anger of situations. But direct anger at a person for a specific thing… I’m still working on.

I hate the feeling of anger and I know that’s not doing me any favors either. How did you over come or address your own feelings when you loved one was over the psychosis and looking around at the damage?


#2

It’s different when it’s ur kids James. U would still love ur son or daughter whatever they did. U mighuslllght not love their behavior but Ull always love them. I don’t know how u forgive a sibling tbh but it would al depend upon how he is in the future for me. U have to clear the air. He’s done some terrible things to ur family and he has to accept that b4 u can move past it. Maybe u should write him a letter outlining ur anger with his actions but offer the hand of support if he is willing to change in the future? That’s the best I can do. Hope this helps xxx


#3

Thank you for this. This is a very good starting place. I do need to start somewhere. I often loose sight of the easy fist step.


#4

I really like the letter idea.


#5

I like it to. I will try and have someone read it over first… so I don’t get too harsh and make him cry again.

This could be a therapy in and of it’s self, because I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to send the first or second version. I’m just picturing 20 tons of anger flowing out through the pen.

Maybe I should start with red ink and switch to blue ink as I cool down, and then send the blue ink stuff. :wink:

That was sort of a tongue in cheek joke… but it’s starting to make sense. :confused:


#6

I agree with the letter-you dont even have to send it if you dont want to. It is mainly for you to get a lot of things out of your system. You can send it anytime. It is going to take some time to get over this. Dont force it. My youngest daughter has not spoken to me for 3 years-some of this is due to her brother. I have done everything to get her to talk, but she just wont do it. Last week, I finally wrote a letter to her. It took months for me to do it-because my feelings were not right towards her-I was angry by now. I had to be in the right place with my REAL feelings ( love ) before I could write with out anger. You cant force feelings. Flow with whatever you feel right now in a constructive way for YOU. Forgiveness kind of comes on its own. Good luck to you


#7

How do I get over hurt feelings and anger?
Very slowly.

Sometimes I have to wonder when I refuse to let go of something in the past if it still doesn’t benefit me in some unconscious way?


#8

First you need to try to sort out- did he do this because he was sick or because he was being a jerk? If the reasons things he did because he was sick a letter could work but here is another idea.

Get some rocks. Flat ones. Not small but not big. Just big enough to be able to write one or two words on. Or paint a small picture on, depends which would best help you feel like you expressed your grievance. Drunk driving, abusive, mean, get some white out (the kind that is like a pen, I don’t think you would be able to write that small with a paint brush) and write it all down on the rocks. One issue per rock. (You need to go out in the woods or down to a creek to find these rocks. You can’t buy them.)

Then load them up in your car in a box and go to a secluded lake in the middle of nowhere (preferably one with a pier or rock outcrop so that you can stand over deeper water. Somewhere out of the way where you would probably never go again) and one by one drop the rocks in the water. Before you drop it in the water thing about everything that is behind the writing on that rock. Take “dangerous” for example. Think of all the times he threatened you and scared you. All the times he showed up at your house and started yelling at you (I’m just making up this dangerous one. Use a real pattern that he engaged in or other thing that caused you pain) drop the rock in the water. Let it go. It’s best if you can get to deep water because you couldn’t dive down and get it again. You couldn’t even see it. (Unless they have freakishly clear lakes where you live). Fling the stones that caused you the most grief as hard as you can. (If there is no pier or outcrop you could just gently fling the others).

The only reason I am bringing up an alternative to a letter is if you air some or all of your grievances, it might not go over well. Not in the he gets mad way (if that happens you should just avoid him) but in the he feels really guilty and really bad about what he did and the letter is just rubbing it in kinda way. He might have problems seeing you again if that is the case. Not really because he thinks you are mean, but because he is embarrassed.

I would write a letter with no anger if you want to make up. You can express your grief later and get the apology you deserve instead of maybe intensifying the shame and regret that he might feel.

If he doesn’t feel bad at all there is always time to swear at him later.


#9

I like this idea. The idea of going where I most likely wouldn’t visit again… I like the symbolism in that. Once you let it go, don’t revisit it.

I think I will give this a try. We have a lot of river rocks.

I am still trying to over come this. The thing is… To ME, through all this, he’s been the sweet little brother I’ve always had. Until he got worse and crumbled more.

To my kid sis he’s been an abusive monster for the better part of the year. I think that is why this bad dream keeps happening. I think I’m calming down maybe… or still angry, not afraid. Last night in the dream, my brother didn’t kill my sis just made her really upset. So… it was nice to not wake up screaming.


#10

It probably depends on what the person has done. My brother (paranoid sz took his life 10 years ago) was extremely violent, so I had little contact with him as an adult. Being around people who care helps pave the path for forgiveness.


#11

You get over anger by understanding the person. It’s that simple. You find out how they feel. You listen. The more you listen, the more you understand, the less you feel angry. And your willingness to listen allows them to see that you are not their enemy and reevaluate their own actions and thinking. But sz and BP do really reduce people’s responsibility. If someone is deluded, they are NOT fully responsible. That’s uncomfortable and unfashionable to say but I see it that way. My son has expressed regret for many of the things he has said and done over the years, but I am not expecting anything very much about the past. Some things he won’t remember, some things he will remember through the delusion he was having at the time. The past is done. The question is what do we feel now? How do we feel now? I choose to remember the good stuff.


#12

My oldest daughter has schizophrenia and her younger sister struggles with anger towards her but I know she loves her. Her anger now is more related to how her big sister treats me sometimes. She is baselined right now and she sees the way she treats me angrily for no reason usually. I think it’s very difficult on the siblings too. Her big sister was always there for her and will always be but its not the same. It’s like mourning for the old person they use to be and living with a new different version of them. It’s hard on everybody. I like the letter ideas too.


#13

I sometimes feel for mental health workers, because quite often when someone is committed it seems to him that he is the reasonable one, and everyone else is behaving irrationally, and he lashes out with whatever means are at his disposal, sometimes spitting, sometimes kicking, and always cussing. The committed person does everything he can to emotionally wound the people who are restraining him. That’s gotta take a toll on people.