Hi, I am new to this forum.
I married my husband about 5 years ago. He is 69 now, retired, and wanting to travel. I am 61, and I am currently completing a student internship towards a teacher certification.
About 18 months ago, my husband suddenly started accusing me of meeting an oil worker at oil and gas well properties in our area; then other men. He claimed the GPS on my cell phone was accurate to the dot and took screen photos to document all the instances when I was not where I said I was.
Intermittently, he would accuse me, then after I broke into sobs, or anger, or silence, we would try to make a go of our marriage. I have become increasingly tense and anxious, and depressed. I threatened suicide in May and again in August, when he made totally unexpected comments when I was actually very happy! I underwent 6 weeks of group therapy and learned to take better care of my psychic self.
Three days before Christmas, he made yet another obscene and outlandish accusation: I was so shocked and overwhelmed that I decided I needed a break. I packed an overnight bag and left, and went to stay with family friends.
Now it has been 3 weeks. He tried to cut off my phone on Christmas Eve, so I got myself a new phone courtesy of my brother. I approached a domestic violence center, and I am now in line to receive free counseling services: I need to understand the reasons why I allowed this mental and verbal abuse to last so long. One week ago, I got a JP order to give me a constable escort so I could go home and retrieve my belongings.
My husband is acting very emotional and romantic. He wants me home, he is paying my bills, he is allowing me to use the second car. He does not understand why I am doing this.
I have told him this is a temporary separation. I have given him a typewritten list of the things we both need to work on in order to effect a reconciliation. He has yet to admit he needs to face his unshaken belief in my unfaithfulness.
I do know that my husband was previously married for 38 years until he decided to divorce his wife. All he ever said about his ex -wife was that she ran around on him with all types of men. He supposedly had lots of proofs. Now I suspect these were are delusions.
I am concerned that he has had these paranoid delusions for a lifetime. It is possible that some aspect of senility is beginning and has triggered his accusations starting 18 months ago. Unless he faces his problem on his own, he will likely never change. I do love him dearly and I feel very sad that I am “abandoning” him but I need to worry about my own health and safety first.
I spoke to his male kin. His brothers and an older cousin have attempted to talk to him, to no avail. My husband was adamant about my unfaithfulness and his alleged electronic proofs! Now they all know what I have been facing for months. No amount of reasoning will make any difference.
I am terribly distressed at all this.
I am so sorry Joy. Have you thought about contacting his first wife? If this is relatively new behavior in his life it could be one of the dementia type issues. I know you are considering that to be a possibility. Has he had a full physical since you have known him?
(1) I don’t know the first wife and I am not that interested in meeting her. I contacted the adult son 18 months ago when my husband first accused me. His email reply was that his father did the same thing to his mother. I tried to contact him again 3 weeks ago, when I left our home. The son asked his wife to contact me: the explanation was that he feels estranged from both his parents; he has struggled with relationships including his wife and young daughter; he does not want to get involved; both the son and daughter-in-law acknowledge that my husband is very unpredictable and erratic in behavior; and wish to keep their distance.
(2) My husband has an annual physical. He has a good rapport with his primary care physician, and he is conscientious about taking care of his physical ailments. About 6 months ago, at one of his doctor’s meetings, I introduced the possibility of dementia due to brain damage/concussion. The physician acknowledged that he had noticed increasing forgetfulness and referred my DH to a clinical neurologist.
My DH started the various tests but developed paranoid ideas that I was out to get his medical history and divorce him, so he dropped out. As of last weekend, he seemed receptive to the idea of picking up where he left off and resuming the neurological tests. Who knows?
I should share here that I have been trying to understand the situation as best as I can by researching.
(1) reading extensively on Borderline Personality Disorder. I can see the mood swings, the explosive anger outburst, the history of holding grudges, long standing suspiciousness.
(2) now reading extensively on paranoid schizophrenia. Primarily because of the long-standing history of paranoid delusions about unfaithfulness.
(3) learning about domestic violence, and mental - verbal abuse. Trying to better understand myself and my DH behavior. Of course, he denies that he has any signs of abusive behavior.
I would read about “delusional disorder.”
I hope you find your way through this difficult time.
Thank you. Yes, “delusional disorder” seems to fit the description of my DH behavior. I need prayers mostly, because I don’t see how my DH will ever realize that he has a problem. Another thing is that he has not shown any violence and at the age of 69, he is not likely to show violence. Yet he may be getting senile and he is retired military so he is very well armed and very well trained. I believe he considers me the single person with whom he is closest, most intimate with, and that he loves the best. Right now, he feels totally abandoned and he doesn’t understand why. This is so difficult!
Dear @Joy, Sending many prayers to you and your husband. Please take good care of yourself. You are 100% right that: