Need help, advice, and basically just someone to listen about my husband

Hello, this is my first time posting here or anywhere about this. I’m at a loss and I’m hoping someone can give me some insight. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We are in our late 40s. I have 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage and he has 2 adult children that he rarely speaks to. We were middle school sweethearts and connected again about 15 years ago. The period of reconnection was pretty up and down and we both did things we shouldn’t have. I tell you this because this is why he said everything is my fault and I did this to him.

Fast forward to a year ago my husband was getting kind of distant, not that he wasn’t always a little distant, but this was worse. He was staying up all night going through my facebook account, google history, location history, etc. Then last May my parents bought a house in Florida and my sister and I went to help for a week. The last day I was there he called and demanded to know what my relationship was with a former work colleague. He went back several years on facebook and was reading all the memes and comments between us. These were on my public page, for him to see all along, and 2 other women I worked with were also involved in the conversations. These were silly posts about filling the water cooler with tequila and things like that. He also insisted I went out drinking with him years ago and came home crying because I felt bad, this never happened. When I got back from my trip, it got bad. He was excited to see me, missed me so much and then bam! I’m cheating, I’m a liar, how could I do this to him. A couple days later my grandmother passed and he agreed to give me a break from these almost constant interrogations to let me grieve. That lasted a day, maybe.

He wasn’t sleeping, he was constantly questioning everything I did, then the phone hacking started. He said my phone was hacked, stayed up days in a row playing with, trying to find these hackers. It got to the point I where I couldn’t take my phone to work because he needed to fix it and find these hackers. This went on for weeks. Then it became I was having an affair with one or several of these hackers. He showed me my location history, it was all over the place. These were places I definitely didn’t visit. So there was his “proof” I was cheating. The hackers were stalking him, moving across the street to keep and eye on him and be close to me. Breaking into our home while we were there and running wires for listening devices. One night he called the police and said they broke into our house and stole our phones and computers and then later brought them back. Police recommended a mental evaluation. He wouldn’t go and they didn’t press it. Later that night he kept patting me down for listening devices and made me sit on the kitchen floor so he could keep an eye on me while he tore apart the kitchen looking for a communication device these hackers left for me.

He was missing a lot of work, he felt he needed to monitor me all the time. He kept showing up at work and would even followed one of our employees, who was driving a car he didn’t recognize that day, because they most certainly were there to see me. He was able to take time off through FMLA in July, and eventually he got short term disability.

Things like this went on for quite a while and the accusations got more bizarre. I was in a orgy club, I was brainwashed into having sex for money and then giving it the hackers. The hackers were going to kill him because he figured it out, and he thanked me for asking them not to kill him. He claimed he could hear me talking to them through a device implanted in my head. At one pointed something clicked and he realized he was hearing and seeing things that weren’t there. He agreed to go to the hospital. He showered, packed, and we ordered dinner. He didn’t end up going.

He continued to accuse, interrogate, and stalk me. He would kind of inspect me when I got home from work, for what I don’t know. He would just look me over, move my hair, things like that. He went through my clothes and took anything with any kind of stain to be tested and then started stealing my underwear for DNA testing. He would spend nights pacing and waking me up to beg me to tell him the truth about all of these hackers I am having sex with.

Finally in September, his sister and I were able to have him involuntarily hospitalized. He was running up and down the stairs and from door to window with a knife or a baseball bat looking for these hackers. Stopping to interrogate me and scream at me to tell them to make it all stop.

They kept him 5 days. He had them fooled. He wouldn’t give me permission for anything except to visit him. They diagnosed him with Bipolar and sent him on his way with a phone number for a psychiatrist and a low dose of Quetiapine. He came home angry with me and still very delusional.

The meds seemed to help slightly, but he still went up and down and back and forth. One day someone was installing a fence in the neighbors yard. He was sure he was there to see me and I was sleeping with him. He even went out to talk to him. That poor guy.

In November he was at a friends house and I thought he was doing ok. His friend called me at work the next morning and asked what was going on with him. We tried to have him hospitalized again, after his friend told me he said he was going to kill whomever was responsible for what was going on. His friend was sure he was talking about me. His family agreed with this decision and I went to his sisters while we waiting for the police to pick him up. The hospital didn’t keep him, they sent him home. Apparently, his friend didn’t tell them about the threat. I went and stayed with my parents for a week and he talked me into coming back to the house and he would stay at a friends. He didn’t leave. He was still delusional, still hearing things every now and then, but it was a bit better.

In January he had another bad episode. He didn’t sleep for 3 days and neither did I. The pacing all night started again, the delusions got worse, the accusations kept coming. It was horrible, but we got through it. He finally agreed to go to the psychiatrist! He went alone, he wouldn’t let me go with him. I wish he had though. They told him he has depression and ADHD and took him off the Quetiapine. They gave him Prozac and said we will see in 6 weeks. He never went back. He has good days and bad days but I can tell the delusions are still there. I don’t know if the hallucinations are. He is now out of Prozac and doesn’t plan on getting it refilled.

A little over 3 weeks ago we were at his friends house, having some drinks and he was fine. Then it was like a switch, he got angry and the accusation started. It was sudden. He friends were shocked, they tried to calm him but couldn’t. He left and I refused to go with him, I didn’t want to spend all night being screamed at and berated. He tried calling and I didn’t answer. He called and texted all night. Said very nasty, mean, disgusting things. He put all of my clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc into boxes and put them outside. His friends wife dropped me off in the morning to get my car and my things. I had to go inside to get my car key. He stated yelling at me right away. He grabbed my purse, threw it on the ground and took my debit and credit card. He took my house key. He then made me pick everything up and grabbed my purse and threw it again screaming at me to clean up the mess. He got violent. He told me to get out and then jumped in front of the door, locked it and wouldn’t let me leave. He said I would call the police if I left. I finally calmed him by telling him there was no reason for me to call the police and my boss would be upset if I was late for work. Not sure why that worked, but it did and I left. Ive been at my parents ever since.

He doesn’t understand why I won’t come home. He thinks it was just a fight and he didn’t do anything wrong. He insists on talking to me everyday and me coming over every other day. He seems well, but not being there all the time its hard to say. I am afraid to go back, even if he does get help. I have no idea what to do. I miss him, I want to be with him but not if he is like this. I want to be home, I want my kids to have their home back.

I am not sure if this is bipolar or schizophrenia or depression or what. Whatever it is, he needs help. Ive been seeing a therapist, the same one my husband was seeing when he started with FMLA. He hasn’t been honest with her so I don’t think any sort of therapy will help until he realizes there is something wrong.

Thank you for reading this far, I know it was long and I hope it makes sense. There is so much I wanted to get out and there is so much left to tell. Anything anyone has to say would be helpful. Even just to say been there, done that. Or tell to tell me I’m the jerk. I just need someone to tell me something. I feel alone.

Have you ever spoken with his adult children about your concerns?

You can’t force your husband to see a psychiatrist. I think an adult has to see for themselves that they need to. When things get bad enough, they might. You can take care of yourself, which it sounds like you’re doing.

@catnip2121 I feel for you and regularly experience the exact behaviors from my SZ partner. The screaming, name calling, accusations of sexual misconduct (on my part apparently) is becoming too much to bear and I don’t think I can handle it much longer. So I would say to you to leave and take the kids with you until he agrees to go to the psychiatrists or psych ward to be prescribed medication for his severe mental illness. It sounds like my guy who has SZ and Schizoaffective disorder but we are 57 and 58, not married and no shared children. We have lived together for the past 5 years and I am mentally exhausted from the abuse I suffer as his live in caregiver. He’s been diagnosed and in treatment for decades and still he spends time in the Psych hospital a few times a year when he stops taking his meds. This past year he spent more than a week THREE times in the hospital. Probate Court ordered him to have the anti-psychotic shot by Invega and he got it for him to be med compliant for release from the hospital but didn’t take it after 30 days. He does take his pill form anti-psychotics because in the hospital he realized how much caregiving I do.

You are not alone and so many have been or are exactly where you are on this SZ journey into the depths of Hell…
Please keep up with your own mental wish I had and don’t reward bad behavior by texting and visiting him without a diagnosis and a prescription for anti-psychotics like Seroquil. I wish I had been a part of this community years ago to have the benefit of the experience of the Warriors on this site. My choices would have been far different and I would not be looking to run as far as I can as quick as I can…:blush:

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