I am literally drained and exhausted at this point. So many emotions. This is emotional cheating my husband has literally been talking to himself (questions and answers back himself) but in his head he’s having a conversation with this woman whom he met while driving cab years ago. And idk what it is hes fixed in his mind that woman is his real wife. He literally just wanders off late at night in nearby parks and returns after hours and when confronted says he’s only been gone 20 mins. Denies everything he says or does. Has been repeatedly slapping himself. Basically having an episode. I have an important submission due that will get me my Masters degree in 10 days. I CANNOT deal with all of it.
Thankfully my in laws live only one floor above us and I’ve told them to just call the ambulance as soon as he says or does something dangerous. I also have a one year old that I have to leave behind to go to the local library.
This is basically just venting. I need professional help for my mental health. Please tell me is there a national organization that I can contact in this regard? I need to set a plan and make him take his meds which he never takes otherwise my life quality will go down the drain. I cannot believe how relieved I feel just getting out of my house and interacting with normal people.
I am so done. I have cried I have pleaded I have been controlling…I have done everything in my power to bring him to his senses but in vain.
Is a long acting injection drug like Invega, a viable option?
I’m assuming the 1-year-old is left with your in-laws. Can you ask your husband to stay with your in-laws until you submit your thesis? Alternatively, ask one of them to stay with you to watch your baby (and your husband – but don’t state that as the reason).
That is what he gets whenever we send him to the hospital however he tells them he is “comfortable” with oral medication so they don’t continue the shots. And he never takes his medication.
and as an update: due to his disruptive behavior (loud music in the car parked outside the house) my fil called the cops and he was taken to the hospital. I am relieved.
Thank you for your reply @caregiver1
Yes I leave my baby with her grandparents. And no I couldn’t say anything to my husband because during his episode he literally behaved as if I didn’t exist. It was because in his mind his actual love and wife was this person whom he was waiting for to pick him up.
Update: he was taken to the hospital last night and will be admitted to the psychiatric ward there.
I want some advice. I will not go and visit him at the hospital this time because honestly idk how to feel about him or our marriage atm. One late night when he slept for like an hour, I snooped through his phone (during his episode he would listen to loud music and always write something in his phone so I was curious). I found out he was writing notes to this person constantly and honestly the wording of the text hurt me. It was like he ACTUALLY believed this to be a person who’s as the love of his life and wordings like “you’re my one true love” etc etc. calling her “babe”. It crushed me.
Now I know it’s his disease and he was delusional. But I am so broken. This supposed wife is a white blonde. I am a total opposite physically. I have dark hair. This makes me think does he actually even love me? Or find me attractive? I am so scared that this possible is more than just a delusion and he actually has fallen out of love with me. But then again, he isn’t rational. He is sick. Idk I’m so confused hurt and scared.
You said it correctly. His actions aren’t rational. He cannot see the irrationality of it. That is the real problem with those who have psychotic episodes or constant delusions. They can’t see the error of their thinking.
When my adult daughter was super psychotic, sometimes I would leave her home, on her own, and go away to get my own space.
A friend I met at NAMI classes is going through that with her adult son right now. He is constantly sending money to scams on the phone or internet, as he believes these (fake) women are going to come to America and marry him. He’s even gone out of state to New York twice to meet a future wife at JFK airport, and of course, no one ever came. But a new woman started writing him and asking him to send her money to come to America. While his elderly mother is paying for him to live with her. She can’t understand, or control him. This week she ex-parte’d him through the court systems and he is back in the hospital.
You must take care of your own needs first, remember that it is his illness talking to the “real” (imaginary) wife, and that if successfully treated, those delusions may stop.
Thank you for your response @oldladyblue
I am taking care of finishing my degree first because it has a deadline and so am hoping my husband has to stay in the hospital for at least 2 weeks for me to be able to focus on it completely. This time I just can’t find it in me to forgive my husband or forget the things he said. One little ray of hope is that he did apologize to me here and there during this episode about this woman. I now think that I should’ve just ignored him and not accused him of cheating on me etc because really he was delusional. But the way he spoke of her and the way he “communicated” with her through his phone was hurtful. I got angry.
If oral medication doesn’t work and the long acting shot does, try to contact his doctor and give him/her this info or remind him/her. It would be optimal if your husband signs a HIPPA release so that the doctor can talk to you freely. However even with no HIPPA release, doctors and hospitals are supposed to accept collateral information.
Great advice * have a 23 year old son that is schitzophrenic and has been hospitlized 4 times just this month he was released and so far its all good but im always waiting for the ball to drop and him return to irrational behaviors delusions and pscyhotic episodes. im constamtly hypo vigilant and on the edge of wondering when he will stop taking his meds and return to those behaviors. So i have been doing self care time just for me either way i look at it, it is also traumatic behviors as care givers we go thru or a husband or being the wife. Trauma is hard to let go of unless you take the step to help urself. in many ways .*
I think your feelings being hurt, very hurt are normal. I would have felt the same way. And the fact that your keeping in mind that its just delusions is good. If you can tell the doctor or nurses that the shot helped and he will stop the pills as soon as he gets home and unless they want him back in a month to do the shots.
Your brave and a good person to continue with all of this, sorry your going through it all. But putting you and your childs future first is not a bad thing. Maybe once you schooling is caught up on it will be a little easier.
Thank you all for your replies. My husband is now back home and I am very upset that the hospital did not bother to call me or anything. Apparently they did not have enough beds so they let him go after giving him his shot. I will have to arrange to speak with them however my husband’s attitude as soon as he got home was so hurtful. He simply asked for his medicine (the one he is NOT supposed to take as a Schizo patient and the one that I will have to fight his other physician to stop prescribing him). And when I told him that I threw it away he said mean things.
The man I fell in love with and married was very considerate but right now he is not thinking of anyone but himself. It is so selfish. I am struggling, I desperately want to make this marriage work. I am slowly becoming very hopeless in the situation. I just left the house and came to the local library to study because in his presence, I just want to cry. Everytime I look at him I remember the things he said to me about the other “woman” and his “real wife” and I just dont even want to talk to him afterwards. I believe I wont be able to become “normal” with him unless he initiates it first.
I am thankful for all your wonderful responses and best wishes. Hoping for things to become easy soon.
Wow, you have been through so much. Please, just focus on the fact that everything he is saying to you, the selfish and cold way he is acting, is the disease, not the man you married. I hope that some combination of medications will eventually bring that man back to you, but it might be a long and painful haul to get there. Maybe you will be lucky and he will come around sooner than later.
No doubt once his delusions are under control, and he regains insight, he will be full of remorse and shame about his current actions and treatment of you. No one deserves any of this, not the people afflicted with this terrible disease, not their families and friends. But SZ is an insidious and hurtful disease. You need to be prepared and steel yourself. Your child is your first priority, you are the second, your husband third.
@kwillkat thank you very much for your response and good wishes. Do you think I should not confront him with his delusions?
Because yesterday he became a bit normal and I did confront him in a very non threatening way and told him how hurt I was because he also spoke of this woman to his mother and sister. I told him to delete all the notes/texts he wrote to this woman from his phone (the texts were to a random number from Google). And his response was very nonchalant and casual it did make me very emotional and I cried: and I’m now not speaking to him and have texted him that I can’t forget this episode of his, despite it being a delusion. Do you think I shouldn’t do this and just be normal with him?
It’s the way he still watches some random women videos on YouTube with the physical description exactly like that imaginary person’s. It makes me feel he is just being okay on the surface but deep down still thinks the exact same way he did before he went to the hospital.
I wanna ask what exactly should I prepare myself for? A lifelong struggle of being the “fake” wife? I don’t think my husband is the kind of person who’d communicate with me even if he regrets or realizes his delusions. Because I have tried to speak with him and he never once apologized for any of that, NOT ONCE. HE just says he’s deleted it all (refuses to show his phone) but his actions seem otherwise. Should I give it more time?
Honestly the relationship right now is just of two people living under the same roof. There’s no intimacy nothing. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to handle it.
@Mona, hopefully you have heard about Dr. Amador’s LEAP method. If not, please check the video below (esp. the part at 8:40). I helped me better understand the state of mind our loved ones are in.
In my experience, it is not productive to confront people while they are delusional. Confrontations (even gentle ones) require both sides to be rational.
It may be helpful finding a therapist (psychologist) who has experience in that area and try to address the problem together.
I second neuromancer’s thoughts. You aren’t getting anywhere because you continue to treat him as if he is well – and he is not. Delusions are very powerful and you will not succeed in changing his thoughts or behavior as long as he is in their grip. He is not intentionally trying to hurt you, he just can’t help feeling and acting the way he does. Unless and until he gets some relief from meds, his conviction that this fictional wife exists probably will persist.
I would avoid making any demands on him regarding his phone and what he looks at online. Avoid arguments and saying anything that further alienates him, and don’t demand apologies. I would spend some time studying and understanding the LEAP approach in the link neuromancer1 gave you. Maybe share this video with family. For example, if he mentions this fictional wife to you, you can either change the subject or empathize with him that his thoughts about her must be very confusing and troubling to him.
What I am recommending may sound like you and your feelings have to take the backseat, but if you want to salvage your relationship, it may be necessary for a period of time. You don’t deserve this, but keep in mind that he did not choose to have this serious disease. So please prioritize getting mental health care yourself so you can better cope. Focus on your study goals and taking care of your child. Try to focus on the plus side, which is that he is cooperating with taking the meds. Many people with SZ refuse. Eventually some mix of meds may help him overcome this and other delusions but it may take time and lot of patience from you. Above all, don’t give up hope.
Thank you @kwillkat for your thorough response.
You are right. The rational thing to do here is to just let it be and take it. It is extremely hard for me, But I am willing to try. The thing is, he is smart enough to not speak of this infront of me (he only spoke of this openly infront of me when he was extremely sleep deprived and just very angry/frustrated right before he had to be taken to the hospital. Otherwise, he actually tells me that he has deleted all the things from his phone (the notes etc.), it really frustrates me because I know its not true. So, I know its his disease but he is also extremely manipulative which simply just makes me angry.
But as you said, I should not treat this as if he is well because he is not. When he was doing well, he was an amazing husband and partner and I just miss that person. I just wish this delusion was not a direct hit at our marriage. I was told by my mother-in-law today that he mentioned the “wife” infront of her. It made me sad because today we were joking around and being somewhat “normal” and all of a sudden I just couldnt be happy/cheery and normal with him. I hate that I will have to kill my feelings to cope with this. And I am so humiliated/ashamed infront of my mother and sister-in-law because of the things my husband has said about his supposed “wife” to them.
My parents live in another country. I cannot even leave and go stay with them at the moment. I literally have to live with it for the moment. But I am hoping for a better outcome. This year has been rough. The recent trip was my husbands 4th to the hospital. That is 4th trip in 7 months. Please remember me in your good wishes. And thank you so much for listening. Honestly, I do not know what Id do without this forum. (Sorry if I wrote too much).
If possible, please include your MIL and SIL into your efforts to manage this difficult time. They love him too, and no doubt are also very troubled by his behavior. Urge them to watch the LEAP video and talk about it with you. Work as a team if you can. Try not to take it personally even if his delusion seems to target you and your marriage. Remind yourself every day that he is battling a serious mental illness and this is the illness talking, not him.