This is my first posting here. Thank you for reading my looooog story.
My dear husband was diagnosed with paranoid sz 5.5 years ago during my pregancy of our baby girl. He actually showed some early signs back in 9 years ago when we were dating e.g talking to himself during shower, certain level of social anxiety. But it was never an issue between us and I always thought it was just the normal pressure at work. Otherwise he was really really nice and gentleman, the kinda person I really want to spend my life with and I have always thought that I was so lucky to be with my soulmate. In early 2009, he was laid off as a result of the financial crisis, though he got pretty good severance and found another decent job very soon, he started his first episode. He felt that his peers at his new job was spying on him, some senior guy at work was implying something to him but he could not get it right (i was not aware those were delusions because I thought it was real pressure and I did not know the symptoms of sz, so what I did was sided with him, giving him some comfort). Evetually he got so overwhelmed that he started to have health problems due to the anxiety and lack of sleep. He quited (when I also encouraged him to do so, hoping him to get some rest) and then we got married. We had some peaceful and fun time. Later his previous manager hired him back to his first firm i.e the one laid him off. He started to get paranoid again, thinking that the recruiters who called him were hired by his boss to test him and people around him are implying him to do something but he could not get it right. I started to realize those are delusions, he has something wrong but still did not think of sz. He started to contact people around where our parents live and did get a good job opportunity there, so we decided to move.
We move to new place then things started to getting worse. At first it was the depression and lack of energy and attention on anything, then I got pregnant unexpectedly, that’s when he totally broke out and got so paranoid on me! He thought that I put wires around our bedroom for his boss, whatever he said at home seems to be known by his boss later, so it must be me who betrayed him. Also he thought everybody at his work seemed to imply something to him. He also thought my family doesn’t like him, so they set us up to force us divorce. All these of course are his delusions. I was pregnant so my first reaction was hopeless and even tried to kill myself. Then we went to psychiatrist and then after several visits, the psychiatrist recommended us to go to mental hospital where he was diagnosed with paranoid sz. I started to read books and articles about sz and went on family forum to find simialr stories, then I came to a decision that I need to hold on for him, for me and for the family. He was on meds after the diagnose and things sort of quiet down. The negative symptoms never went away, so evetually he lost his job and had to move to another city for new job right after the birth of my baby girl. He is workaholic and ambitious person, so I had to let him go while I feel that I had to maintain my job security for my daughter and family, so we separated. 5 years in short, he was ok for the first 1-2 years, but then he started delusions on and off, still the same ideas e.g he trusted me so much, I betrayed him for setting him up with his colleague, he felt everyone is cold and hostile at work but I knew his situation better than himself so it must be me setting him up etc. In the meantime, the negative symptoms never really disappeared, he visited us 1-2 times a month, while I expected him to share some quality time with us, he just sat there, staring at his computer or mobile, so we would argue sometimes which made him think that I do not want him visit us at all and this unfortunately complicates the “you betrayed me” delusions. 2 months ago, his positive symptoms became so acute that he basically hate every sentence that I said, and there was one night I felt totally worn out and said “ok, then divorce”.
Now I feel really bad that I said that because he went totally wild after I said that, cannot eat and cannot sleep and then quit his job. Now he is staying with his parents and telling me that I “destroyed” him for 8 years, so he wanted nothing but divorce me. I feel totally broken and do not know what to do. Should I just leave as he wishes or should I just hold on because his hatred is coming from delusions not reality? Though the feeling of leaving him is killing me.