Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

I am the fool...?


#1

Sometimes, we will do more to help others than we will do to help ourselves. For someone we love, we will go that extra mile.
…but once in a while, we may encounter the disappointment of discovering that despite all the commitment we have shown, little of importance has been achieved.

I have no idea how to get through to him. There are aspects in my current situation that I have no power to change. There can be no progress until there has first been an awakening.

I might be fooling myself in thinking that he is going to acknowledge his symptoms. Talking to him gets me nowhere. It is being brushed off as ‘nagging’. …‘Nagging’… I don’t want to give up. Is there a solution?


#2

I don’t think your a fool for not wanting to give up and for still loving this guy.

Until he’s med compliant he’s stuck and sadly, that makes you stuck too.

Have you had any time to just hang out with him and leave the Sz talk on the shelf? When my family started doing that, I began to connect with them more.

I’m sorry to say and I’m not proud of it, but when my Mom would ask me about my meds in a very logical and even tone… I still got defensive, I still thought she was plotting, I accused her of nagging. I regret that now, but at the time, it is what I did.

If you have a chance to hang out with him, re-establish that friendship and then try again, I don’t think that’s foolish, I see it as being a friend… It’s not always easy being a friend, but follow your gut feeling and eventually you might get through…


#3

Yes… I do that. I am his friend, but at the same trying to get him help as well. I would not be a good friend if I did not do anything to help him…

I don’t bring it up often but at times I do try to steer the conversation in to ‘getting help’.
I think that he is just OK with things as they are currently. I am financially supporting him (should I stop this?) and in his mind he does not have to get the help that is needed…


#4

That is a tough one since I am only just learning about money. I could see him being very Ok with doing what he wants and other people picking up the bill. Plus I don’t know his level of functioning. Some people can work through even during an episode and positive symptoms.

If he’s in negative symptoms, he might not be able to do much of anything. That is a tough call for not knowing him. If he is still drinking and smoking pot, and your financially supporting him… I would understand why you feel like this is going nowhere.

The more you reveal about this situation, the more amazed I am. You’re very amazing to keep that door of opportunity open. I still don’t think your being a fool… but it does sound like you could use some ideas.

Have you tried finding a support group in your area. I like it when people find local support groups because they know what resources are in the immediate area.


#5

I can certainly understand feeling like the fool… I sometimes wonder due to partners here on this site if I would be willing to do as much for a partner as I have done for my son. It’s hard to draw that invisible line in the sand on when enough is enough. How much can we help someone who can’t or is unwilling to help themselves? I don’t know the answer. I only know that I am, at least for the moment, not willing to be my son’s bank account…

I’m sorry that you feel like this.


#6

…exactly…


#7

Dear Becca, if he isn’t med compliant and shows no sign of wanting help, your situation with him will probably only worsen? You must really love him to finance his life while seperated. I think you might consider “tough love” and cut off his finances and see if that makes him more willing to cooperate. Good luck Becca,


#8

…thank you jukebox…


#9

In your situation there aren’t easy answers. I would recommend that you find a way to get him committed and then get him put on a decoate injection. I’m sure you know that the criteria for a forcible commitment is that he has to be a danger to himself or others. That can be interpreted differently by different people.


#10

@Becca I do think what you are doing - trying to understand schizophrenia more is a very noble thing to do.
Do you feel that by informing yourself on his illness more, this could bring you closer together? or do you think that by getting to know his illness more he will appreciate your actions as ‘caring’ or helpful?
I dont know, there is a chance that he may not get better or seek help right now - there is also the very real possibility that he does not want to have a romantic relationship or any kind of relationship with anyone or maybe not with you?
The cold truth and fact is that he may have to bottom out - fall into a deep and dark hole, so this way he then might decide to climb out of the hole and seek help for his illness. We can guide others and try to help others - but it is difficult to change others. We can really only change ourselves.
Taking care of yourself is also very important - but sometimes we just have to let go and see what happens later - hopefully you will get what you want, but then again you may not


#11

Yes… you see- that is my fear. What if the hole that he falls in is too deep and too dark and he can’t get out. What if he becomes suicidal? I will have guilt for the rest of my life…

Edit: I know that he loves me btw…


#12

I guess what I was really trying to say is - taking care of others is important but taking care of yourself is also important - I dont doubt his love for you - I do wish you luck with everything


#13

Thank you Wave…


#14

Hi Becca~
Ive had a few good lines thrown at me when I needed them most. One of them was " Sometimes you just have to let the chips fall.". Another one was "are you getting any therapy or support for yourself?". My son has been through so many rock bottoms!! I think the only one he has is the mental health court judge! Cant remember if you said you were living with him. If you do, maybe you could get your own place nearby? Maybe not throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. Go and visit as much as you want-give any help to him that you feel you can.
This may help with some tension. All I know is that you will not be able to change what he believes at this time.
I`m sorry…hope this helps a little OO


#15

When supporting someone with a mental illness your first and foremost priority is to look after your mental health first. Sometimes and especially with love we all need to take a big step back and look at things from the outside in. So my advice is take some time away and get some perspective.


#16

Thank you guys for all the advise and insight. I might indeed just take some time away to get some perspective…