My heart goes out to you,how you have put up with your daughters behaviour for this long amazes me. You have done so well, but you must think of yourself now, because when it comes to it a lot of your daughters problems were caused[ as in most cases, i would imagine,] by your daughter taking drugs and alcohol[as my daughter has done],yet we are blamed and called all dreadful things. How I wish, just once, to be asked how I am, to get a card on Mothers Day, perhaps i am being petty and selfish , but no, I dont think so. Continue to do your best for your daughter but not at the expense of your own sanity.
Thank you. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness shown to me here. It has helped. My daughter is pulling my strings when she calls from the psychiatric hospital. She tells me that now that she sees that she can cut herself with no pain when she drinks alcohol, she thinks she’ll be able to kill herself. She has talked about dying since she was 5. At 8 I took her to a psychiatrist and after a year, he pronounced her a well adjusted and happy child. So when she did odd things, I’d always remember his words and think I was over exaggerating. She started experiencing with drugs in her senior year. She has tried to kill herself several times during her early 20’s but could never succeed with pills so she finally gave up. She was too afraid of anything with pain. So it scares me when she talks this way. I am gaining strength through this site, but I am afraid.
I’m so sorry for you and your daughter. I hope the staff are hearing her say this and she will get the help she needs. Hang in there and take care of yourself in the meantime.
That’s the problem. We are having a meeting on Thursday and now she doesn’t want me there because I’m going to bring that up. We’ll just see what happens. Thanks.
The more you can tell the staff about what she says and what she threatens while on the phone with you the better for her future treatment. I hope your meeting goes well.
Do not beat yourself up. A person can take only so much and give so much until their reserve is finally drained. It sounds like you have passed that point into despair. At the very minimum, you need to take a step away from this and recharge, reenergize, and take care of yourself. This is a necessity, not selfish. If you don’t take care of and honor your own needs as an individual, you will be unable to care for your daughter. This does not mean you do not love her or are giving up on her.
I’m shocked that they didn’t take her in after cutting herself so deeply, but then, this is new territory for me. My adult daughter with autism now also has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I have so much to learn! Take good care, and let us know how you are, and your daughter, too!
My son also has a dual diagnosis…was stable for a couple of months but these past few days he has been going out alot to secure beer, pot and sometimes meth and in just a couple of days his condition has deteriorated. He does take his medication still which is the saving grace but I can see where this is heading…a year and a half ago he started his drinking/pot/cocaine addiction and because of this he had three hospitalizations…and two ER’s…one from a skateboarding accident…I have seen it happen so quickly…I try to read books about it and it is so hard to read them…I just finished Clean by David Sheff and We All Fall Down by his son Nic Sheff…it is just heartbreaking…
What you wrote really helped me…that we do what we can for as long as we can…I am just scared right now…he just left and I had to write to someone who will know exactly how I feel…
You have my empathy. My only son who was loved and spoiled by us his whole life ; violently attacked me. If not for my wife throwing herself over me while my son was kicking my face in; I would be dead. That said, I ended up in the emergency room with permanent affects from the injuries. We never realized what this disease could do to someone. We did get him on medication, but once he refused to take it anymore; I had to make him leave. At one time , I loved my son more than my own life. He is no longer that person. I still talk to him briefly when he calls and on occasion take him some money. However, that violent beating destroyed most of my feelings for him. I fear him more than anything. I certainly understand and synpathize withvictims of domestic violence. It robs you of your faith. I only talk or see him briefly out of fatherly responsibility. I offered to set him up in a apartment or even buy him a small house. His paranoia prevents him from trusting that arrangement. So, we are at a stalemate. The system just does not work when someone refuses treatment. He gets SSDI, but that is not enough to pay for monthly hotel stays and food. There is much more to this story, our efforts and his actions could fill pages, but I think you get the point. We always wonder if that phone call will come notifying us of his passing. I pray for God to watch over him because we tried and failed. I am willing to risk my life but not my wife’s in regard to having him at the house. I and my wife were very afraid on a daily basis. Most times, if I left for any time; she would become afraid and leave in her car waiting for me to come home. I pray that we have done everything that we can in God’s eyes. We will always feel guilty about his condition.
I’m so sorry @soconfused. What you and your wife have gone through is so tragic and sad. Most of us understand what you shared. I wish you and your wife the best and I hope your son will eventually gain insight and get help for himself.
Don’t beat yourself up! I’m in the same boat and feel the same way! At hospital again right now. Came home and found him passed out in the kitchen floor and my house was tore up. Called ems and cit unit. Now here I sit. Waiting. Been living like this for 10 yrs and can’t do it anymore!!
You have done all you can. Find your place of peace and pray for her. Letting go does not mean giving up. Perhaps with you out of the home, the authorities will step in and do what needs to be done. Please, do not berate yourself. This illness is wicked and unmerciful. I pray you live your life to the fullest in your new locale. God will watch out for you both. You can continue to love her from a distance. You do not have to endanger yourself to show love. Smell some roses, kick your feet in the ocean, watch the sunset. Live your life. In peace.
When you have the strength and will, perhaps you and the rest of us can band together to change the laws that fight against the caregivers causing more harm to families than good. Some laws work, others do not due to the lack of understanding related to this affliction. When someone with this dreaded disease commits a mass murder or some other heinous crime, that is all over the news. It is time for proactive education, not sensationalism that we so often see in the media regarding schizophrenia.
Your response made me cry. Not a bad cry, just knowing someone understands that I have passed into despair, but I’m climbing out. My life has always been proactive until the last ten years. I have let life handle me instead of me handling life. I just accepted whatever came. Being on this site has given me hope and strength to find myself again. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much! I too have thought of getting together one day to get the laws changed. When I get myself back let’s get started. There are so many families struggling just like us. I just don’t know how to get it started. I bet if we posted the topic, people would respond and there’s someone out there that knows how to start.
You are in the exact same boat! 10 years, also. Six months ago I stopped waiting at the hospital and found out they have a holding room for people like our children. Get some rest while you can.
My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. The fear for your child. Your changed feelings towards him. Feeling like you failed, but you didn’t fail. You were given an impossible situation that even the professionals can’t solve. I do a lot of what if I had tried this or what if I had tried that. Really I shouldn’t do that because it’s pointless and in the past. You and I did the best we could. I hope you and your wife have a little peace with him out of the home. At least you have each other. I didn’t realize how much I relied on my husband with my child until he was gone. Treasure each other for what you’ve been through together.
Oh I do know exactly how you feel! I hope you can find peace. Talking about it is the best therapy. I am selling all my stuff and am meeting a lot of good people. I’d say one out of three are going through similar circumstances. Many people keep this to themselves and suffer. I hope your son came back safely. One day at a time. Your name “tryingtostayhopeful” is perfect. Even now that I refused to let her back, I am still hopeful that she may swim without my safety net. We can’t live without hope. I’m glad I was able to help - that’s what we’re here for! Help and be helped!
How exactly did you make him leave? Does he have a car. Our son wrecked twice and totaled his car and We haven’t replaced it. He seldom asks to drive. Did you find him a place or did he find it or does he just check into motels he chooses? Please advise.
How are you? Happy Mother’s Day you strong awesome woman and mother. As you can see your comment struck a chord. Hope you have a beautiful day with a few good surprises. God bless.
Dear Mom2, Thank you for your kind words. My daughter still refuses to have anything to do with me[The Big Bad Wolf] Saying that, she stays in touch with her 2 brothers, so we hear how she is and that is so good. We survive on small mercies and truly appreciate each one, this helpline is one of them.
When you get on an airplane, the steward reminds you that if there’s an emergency, a parent must put the oxygen mask on herself before putting one on her child. Why? Because a mother who no longer has oxygen in her system cannot help her child.
You need, at the very least, an extended vacation. You might need to stay away from your daughter forever, or you might revive enough to find new resources and return. First, you must give yourself what you need.
I’ll be thinking of you both and wishing you well. <3