I have so much inside me because of how raw this is and I just have to get it out. So this is a rant of sorts the first I’ve really allowed for me to think about my own feelings and how this is affecting me. It has been extremely difficult to balance my every day life with my very strong emotions. I am depressed and have spent the last three days only in bed. My priorities are taken care of and I got up today and made sure I made an effort to start working my way back to normal. It’s been about two weeks since I “lost” my fiance. He cannot have normal conversations as of yet and it is painful for the both of us to be in contact. He is well taken care of and has amazing family and I am not the sole provider of support or care, so I am very lucky and grateful. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you who are the soul caregivers for your loved ones. You are amazing people. I have found myself obsessed with my SO illness unable to keep myself from thinking or talking about it or reading about it. To the point I recognize I need to take a step back and take care of myself so I can continue to be a healthy person for him to rely on. I have felt a CRUSHING weight of feeling of sadness and loss for him and his lifestyle and possibly for the rest of his life. I Grieve for the relationship we had and the life we dreamed of. I know things will not be what we planned. I am so heartbroken to not be able to talk to him I feel selfish at times because I just can’t talk to him and just want him back. I’m trying to take the steps I need to get back to a healthier lifestyle for myself so we can work on him. I’m so sad that we probably will not be able to have children (and even if we could I don’t personally believe that would be morally reprehensible) I grieve the relationship between him and my daughter that will never be the same. As a mother I have to put her first and it hurts to know I may have to eliminate their relationship altogether. Just coming to the realization of the depth of affect this will have on both of our lives is absolutely immense and soul crushing. It feels like drowning. I will be ok, I have an awesome support group and can recognize the bad behavior that will just keep me in bed and depressed. I just needed to get it all off my chest. I’ve been more focused on him until now and now I’m taking a step back so I can be the best I can when interacting with him.
Thank you. I get it. It’s this intense loss like dealing with a death…denial, anger, etc. It’s overwhelming and painful. The man I fell in love with was replaced by another…so in a way I xan have empathy for your position. I have refrained from venting until recently, I haven’t had the strength. Just know that in you doing so helps give some of us 'permission ’ to do the same.