At this point I can’t even talk to my brother without feeling frustrated. I can’t force him to do x, y, or z and I don’t want to. I don’t want to push just to be pushed away. I feel lost and hopeless in this situation. I go from wanting nothing to do with him and then really missing the relationship I use to have with him. He and I use to be two peas in a pod. I avoid having conversations with him because I don’t want to feel frustrated and say something I’ll regret. I’m sure he’s as lost and sad as I am and doesn’t know how to make it right anymore either and it breaks my heart. It breaks everything apart. I don’t know when either of us will be ready to be friends again. I was ready to go on pretending like he didn’t exist and I think I’ll fly between here and there for the rest of my life.
It sounds to me like you’re dealing with some pretty tough grief and need to give yourself time and space to feel and process that. It’s okay to be frustrated by the illness affecting your brother. It’s cruel and unfair and horrible and it’s okay to be mad at all of that. But don’t give up on HIM because of it. He’s grieving and mad and frustrated and scared too. And you’ve got two people just doing the best they can with a really crummy situation. But one thing you can do is choose to love him anyway. Choose to love him despite the pain and anger and sorrow and fear and never waiver from that (even if you feel like it inside).
I almost gave up completely on my 10-year-old daughter - something I never thought I would do. Until I began to understand that she can’t control this. She’s a victim of a terrible illness. And more than ever, she needs my unwavering love and support. Even when things are bad. Even when she’s bad. She needs someone in her life to stand tall and refuse to budge no matter what. You can be that person for your brother. It’s hard, I won’t lie. It might be the hardest thing you ever do. But accepting that the’s pushing you away because he doesn’t know what else to do can make it easier to understand. There’s a million reasons for his actions and they don’t even have to make sense. This illness clouds EVERYTHING, even things that seem simple.
You will say things you regret. It’s inevitable. I have said so many things I regret and those things are wounds that are turning into scars inside me. I have told my daughter I would give her away. There’s not much worse you can say to your child to make them feel unloved and unwanted. I will spend the rest of my life making up for that horrible thing. Proving to her again that I didn’t mean it. That it was a stupid thing to say.
Just keep doing the best you can. I try to come from a place of love and generosity and accept that it may not be returned. But I will love and give to her anyway. I will not let this illness destroy my love for the person inside that I know her to be. Even if that person is gone forever, I will continue to love and support her anyway for the person I know she wants to be.
I hope it helps and I hope tomorrow brings more light than darkness into your life and your heart and that some of your pain heals enough to help you find solutions.
You have words of wisdom my friend