I don’t like bananas, I’ll only like them once or a few times during the year. 
Ah, poor you. That’s funny though, the Christmas story. x3 Thank you and likewise! 
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If you are a reader, you might find the book ‘The Speed of Dark’ an interesting read. It is fictional, but raises interesting questions about whether someone with autism would choose to try a cure.
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@Catherine - my son has been eating the same thing for dinner for probably the last 4 months at least - a particular brand of cheese tortellini, a particular kind of Italian sausage, and a particular pasta sauce. Every.Single.Night. I think he is getting tired of it, but is feeling afraid to change to something else.
For a while, all he wanted for dinner was steak.
At one point in his life he ate so much kale, I just could not believe it.
I finally stopped buying too much in advance, never knowing when his current food obsession would change. Right now, in addition to the pasta at dinner, he wants tuna melt sandwiches at lunch.
I’m also in the position of having a son who is med compliant (also clozapine) without much insight. It is nerve-wracking!
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I don’t think I could handle what you go through. My daughter binge eats everything in the house, then takes DXM so she won’t eat or sleep for days, then will eat one healthy meal, at least sometimes, and starts binge eating again. She binge eats things I don’t have to cook, mostly sweets. I don’t like to have sweets and too many carbs in the house, but when she gets ready to binge she has me get all kinds of junk food. Her weight goes up and down and she is obsessed. She bought a treadmill and she sometimes walks as many as 14 miles in the night. Your son would drive me crazy with the food. Does he get any counseling with the food? Maybe if a nutritionist worked on meals, it would help? If he is like my daughter she never takes advice from me, but if someone else gives it she listens more. Prayers to you.
@Vallpen I am a voracious reader and I will look for that book at the library, thank you!
@vscjunk2261 I wish he would talk to professionals but he hates them, he only goes to his family doctor and his psychiatrist because he knows it is required for his meds…and I make him go to the eye doctor and dentist, if he were left alone he would not go to any professional (other than the ones for meds) unless he was in an excruciating amount of pain and he has a pretty high tolerance for that. He is due for a check up with his family doctor and I am hoping that I can get her to stress to him the huge importance of vegetables and that vegetables are not what makes you fat. I also found out today he is keeping a detailed record of everything he eats and drinks which is not much but he has been a list maker since maybe 4th grade so this doesn’t surprise me…and since he thinks i don’t know about it I can at least keep track that he is eating something other than what I see him eat at dinner…if you can call his 5 bites of food dinner. He also told me that if he is hungry he will eat, we will see about that. I have gone on crash diets in the past and invariably this “white knuckle abstinence” approach does backfire on a person…I have learned that moderation in everything is usually a more successful approach. …maybe at some point he will learn that too…or not.
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Oh, and also, yesterday, because I am SO DARN TIRED of cooking the same pasta with sausage for him, I made a pan of lasagna, with the same sauce, and the same sausage. But I bet I end up eating it for my lunches.
He used to eat a variety of vegetables. Now he won’t eat any. I’m glad he takes good vitamins.
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Now the proverbial s**t has hit the fan, I mentioned that periodically maybe 2 to 3 times a year my sz son gets on his high and mighty horse of self righteousness and decides I am a worthless piece of crap, and starts on his monologue of how he needs to live on his own in his own place and that he needs absolutely no one or nothing to help him do that successfully and that I am the only thing standing between him and freedom, UGH! Oh lord if he only knew the 1000’s of behind the scenes things I do to make his life as healthy, peaceful and serene as I do so that all of the other 48 or so weeks a year that he does NOT act out are pretty wonderful overall. I am trying really hard to remember that fact right now. This rant of his will last probably for the next 3 days and then it will pass, or at least that is what has happened every other time…I always say I will not react the next time…but damn! So at least I didn’t cry but I said some harsh words. I am just sick of the lack of insight sometimes. It’s so hard to live with day in and day out for years and years and I adore this kid, I really do, I try to remember he is NOT just his illness, but sometimes his illness hijacks him. I made his dinner tonight which was 2 bites of what would have been a pork rib but no sauce or anything, I tried to dress it up with a tiny mushroom and a sliver of onion which he threw away and then I put a spoon of rice and 2 brussel sprouts…ugh! It’s the rigidity and the ridiculousness, it has nothing at all to do with eating healthier or less or whatever----I am realizing that his brain has figured out a passive aggressive way to control things for himself or so he thinks…so even if he burns the house down and turns his food into charcoal brickets, I told him to cook for himself tomorrow, I have to have a day not to think of this…no matter the outcome…it will be what it will be, and I need to not even be a witness to it. I have acupuncture tomorrow for my ever increasing body pain and thankfully Thursday I have therapy and Friday is my DBT group so the support in real time can’t come fast enough. Part of me wants to let the court assign another guardian but I know in my heart I couldn’t do that because when he is stable he can fool anyone into thinking he has a handle on things and he can say what “needs” to be said but unless the person has lived with him and sees what is going on —he would end up without a guardian soon enough and then he would go back to his old ways of life, the drugs and the criminal element are only a few miles from here… which would in fact be his ultimate demise…plus there is a good chance he would stop communicating with me since he communicates less and less with anybody as time goes by…so I have tried telling him he could live on his own with a support team (other than me) in place and he said hell no. I need to not discuss this with him when he is deluded and yet I do. I encouraged him to discuss his hopes and dreams such as they are with a therapist and said maybe that the therapist could help him reach his goals and he said hell no…so…anyway…I am still on a vent here…apparently a 3 day vent…geesh!..I am kind of getting sick of myself, I hate being affected to much by this. You know? I Just want peace and tranquility and dull boring days that I can decide if and when I want to inject a molecule of excitement into…I want my life to FEEL stable and maybe know that I can TRUST myself and my impressions and perspective on the things I see and believe and exist in. What a pipe dream. Tonight my beloved son who hugged me goodnight last night and told a small joke and said’ I love you mom’ said to me tonight: “It’s not that I am saying I want you to die, but when you do finally die, my life will be so much better” so I am guess by that he meant “thank you mom for caring for me with so much dedication for the past 32 years especially the past 12 years when I was completely out of my own mind.” yeah, whatever…it’s hard to know as a mother that the love I give so freely and endlessly is so one sided, I mean I know somewhere in there he loves me but it’s not a love I will probably ever feel with that reciprocal connection that moms thrive on…its the same with my saner older Asperger’s son (the school teacher in California) he is similar in that I do know he loves me but for him to show it in a meaningful way with any regularity… is like asking him to cut off an arm. Family for me is my children and my closest friends but in the end when all is said and done I am alone and a party of just one. I think I will go to bed early again tonight…escape sounds like a good plan. Good night good people and thank you all.
I can totally relate today.
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I have been reading what you have been writing and my heart goes out to you --it really does, but today I feel very unqualified to offer advice or support, so sorry , I would hug you if I could.
Sleep is good; resting and taking a break is okay.
The illness is not under anyone’s control, not our beloved family members’ and not ours.
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It’s OK - I just feel better getting it out.
To be honest, these days, I don’t think anyone’s advice is going to help the situation.
We’ll probably flounder around until he accepts some meaningful help - no matter how long that takes.
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I’ve been there too. They can be and say horrible things. It’s really difficult, but you have to set boundaries and enforce rules otherwise they won’t change. My now loving fiancé would tell me things like, “I baited you into a crocodile heaven,” “You have the option between a fork and a knife, DIE,” “Go kill yourself you foosball,” “The universe says that…” I have heard the some of the weirdest and most hurtful insults in my entire life coming from him (other person would be my mom) and it’s just to hard to get a wrap around your mind about it. On one hand you want to help them and reach out to them so that they can change, and other other you want to be mad and hit them with an inflatable bat and say, “You’re a dumbass, get your **** together.” It’s an amalgam of feelings and thoughts and constant analyzation of what they say and do and what action can you take and say or not say without offsetting them more.
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I just remembered something sort of funny, sometimes whenever he would say things like that, I came up with this thing where I would say, “I’m throwing a basket of flowers at you at your (insert any body part, usually head),” and then he would laugh and start joking about it and it would help lighten the mood. It was my way of notifying him that he was doing or saying something hurtful or wrong. I should buy a basket and get some flowers (real or artificial) and do that one day when he least expects it. His reaction should be priceless.
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My girlfriends are a huge support to me; I add in new flower to that bunch about once a year. I am very willing to talk to strangers that I meet at Meetup hiking events. It gets me exercising and meeting new people a few times to decide if we gel or not. You need others to support you too — volunteering is also a great way to escape?
Hi @Catherine, I’m sorry the beast is out at your house. I hope you can ride this one out and get back to a better relationship again soon.
Sometimes it helps for me to think back on some of the worst times and recognize that this is not one of them.
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@Vallpen Hi! Thanks for the words of wisdom…actually I took a day off today, I stayed gone the better part of the day and did shopping and laundry alone for a change…and the house did not burn down and all seemed well when I got back, no fighting tonight, so this was the shortest episode ever, I am nervous it could come back at any moment but ecstatic it is not happening right now…he is entranced with election results…election results and big brother live feed…back and forth… silence and peace otherwise…I am grateful.
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another update…things are so much better now…he is handling all of his own meals and I am keeping my nose out of it, this is a 180 degree for me but the rules have changed so it is easier now that he has started eating like a canary…I no longer have to worry that half a bag of groceries will be gone at any meal so I can relax budget wise…I am even okay with losing a pan or two if it means no food arguments…and since he still doesn’t realize I can easily see his detailed food diary he has by his chair—there is no reason to worry that I don’t know if he is eating enough to stay well…he is at the minimum as far as I can see and I am okay with that…so my nerves are better and he is back to his happy jovial self…meowing at me from across the room…ahhh what a life! So glad to have peace and quiet again.
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That’s great! I like meowing too. blushes ^.^
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@Catherine - you rode another one out!! Whoop, whoop!!!
I think you are making a good choice on backing off, letting him control those choices and prepare food for himself. I know you worry about him not eating enough, but for now, let it rest - and hunger may well turn that around too. You can always keep favorites available that might tempt him to eat a little extra.
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