I'm going on a rant

[Pookey52]

Today has been draining! My son is so demanding and if he doesn’t get his way, he falls into a manic and occasionally violent episode. Today was no different. We were going off and I made a simple request for him to clean up his area in the garage where he sits and smokes once we got back. I was just making general conversation and he lit up like a fuse. He starts screaming at the top of his lungs so all the neighbors can hear but what he says makes no sense. Then he rides his bike up and down the street, still screaming. Profanity, vulgarities and filthy remarks about anyone and everyone, including me. Then he threatens to kill me and slapped me across the face. I’ve learned not to react or run away because it just fuels the fire. He just says if he kills me that I’ll just come back to life. I’m like “whatever.”

He has suffered from a series of head injuries and calling the police is no longer beneficial since they have contributed with additional head injuries during some of the latest Baker Acts. Bad thing is…he is current on his medication and resistant to treatment. No one can be around him as far as giving me a break and he would not stay at a group home or RTC - even a day respite. I’ve been dealing with this BS since I was in my early 20s and I’m now in my mid 60s - it started with his dad and has been going downhill since. I’m just plain tired… so for those who ask if they should get involved with someone with SZ, unless you have a strong faith and a strong constitution, you’re asking for heartbreak! `sorry - that’s just the way I see it WHEN you have a choice …

I’m shocked that the neighbors haven’t called the police but they’ve seen him grow up and pretty much understand that he just isn’t there anymore. I’m at a loss for what to do. He is 40’ish and can’t possibly hold a job. When something does happen to me, his mind is so screwed up that he can’t possibly take care of himself. He says sometimes that when I die, HE dies, too.

I guess SZ has a multitude of levels and he’s probably at the worst. So, for those of you who haven’t reached the bottom, keep looking up. I try to focus on the good times but when the tough times just show up out of nowhere, it knocks the wind out of me.

Think I’ll check on a different blood pressure medicine next time I see the doc. Its either that or take up drinking and that wouldn’t be beneficial to either of us.

Thanks for hearing me out and its comforting to know that this group is out there, understanding where I’m at and often in the same boat. Take care all - be blessed!

[Hummingbird]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I wish there were somewhere near you that he could live, so you could live in peace. You are wonderful to have stuck with him all these years.

[Sando]

Amazing story of faithful love. You are an angel. And we’re blessed to have your example when most of the world is a selfish sh*+show.

[Maggie46]

I’m so so sorry @Pookey52 this disease is terribly wicked and just beggars belief, you are one very dedicated Mum, hugs to you.

[Joana]

Wish I could hug you right now.
You’ve been through a special kind of hell and I wish I could offer you some kind of respite.
You sure are right when you say someone must have a strong faith or a strong constitutin to be able do deal with a loved one with schizophrenia. It’s a devastating disease and it can break the person who’s left to do the caring.
I couldn’t help but feel you’ve done all you possibly could.
You’re dealing with too much! I realize hospitalization must not be an option, otherwise I would very strongly advise it. Even if just for a little while till you get your batteries recharged in some way.
Stay strong. You’re not alone in this fight.
It may seem impossible sometimes but we manage to pick up the pieces and go on.
Lots of love.

[Pookey52]

Thank each of you for your kind responses. The thing that I think has improved understanding of this horrible disorder is information which we can get through reputable websites. When I was first introduced to dealing with my ex-husband’s mental problems, there was NOWHERE to go - no internet, no NAMI. I felt embarrassed with a total lack of understanding. Over the course of the years that followed, I became an advocate first for my ex and then later for my son. I will call anyone, research anything, and ask anyone something that I think might help. My son has been in one of our state mental hospitals twice - each for about a year - and although he wasn’t home, I still had to travel to the hospital, deal with the doctors, visit with my son, handle the paperwork, etc so that wasn’t really much of a break. I became part of a support group at the hospital that was open to friends and families of the “residents”. What I saw was that structure/routine provided so much stability for my son that it seemed to be as important as the medications. Once back home though, he slowly deteriorated each time so I finally retired to have more oversight over him. But, I have not given up and although there is no cure, public awareness is an important part of the equation. So each time I have to opportunity to talk to someone about SZ, its just one more chance to clue someone in on something they may have little to no understanding of.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

[Terra]

I am so sorry for what you are going through! You are a warrior! An inspiration…for the likes of me. My son’s Sz has been draining my life for the last 6 years. I can’t even imagine that you are dealing with this horrific illness for years and years.

From someone who freaked when he talked to himself to someone who is ready to run after him on the street, I am still trying to be stoic.

Please take care of yourself. We are a family here bound by our love for our loved ones.

[vscjunk2261]

I’ve had to go on several rants on this forum. Nothing wrong with that. You’re in the right place. Does he receive any type Social Security? When my daughter’s step father (my husband) died, she was able to collect Social Security Disability. No problem in getting it because she had been in hospitals more than 30 times and had been on SSI for 8 yrs. Maybe it’s enough to get him an apt near you and you could supplement some of his needs. My daughter is not totally safe in an apartment, but it gives me a break even though I go there 2 or 3 times a wk. Your son reminds me of my daughter. Once I tried to remove myself from the situation and she came out with all the rage and jumped on my car. I don’t know how you’ve managed. Forty years. You must be a very strong person. This forum will be good for you. I have no one to help me either but it’s only been 13 yrs with the last 5 by myself. And this forum has helped me be strong. May God Bless you and your son.

[Pookey52]

He draws Social Security, Medicare, and I still carry him on my health insurance as an adult disabled child (for life) that covers remaining balances, co-pays, prescriptions, dental, etc. Baker-Acted more than 30 times since 18; at least four times in long term RTCs when younger, and state hospitals twice. But if he were near me in his own apt, he’d always be here anyway - and still say he was being held hostage. And there’s the violence - few occasions against me, others against the walls, the door to my truck, windows, furniture, etc, etc. When he was younger, one of his “friends” called just to get him upset and when they drove by the house, he punched out the rear window of their car. When I asked the kid why he’d made the phone call, he said “just to see him get mad.” The ignorance of others is infuriating - especially since the kid knew my son had problems. The last thing is my son can be very intimidating at 6’8" and he can puff up like a blow fish, getting right in your face. That doesn’t sit well with police. If he ends up in jail, I have to track down the medical director and make sure that they have him on the right medications while avoiding the meds that cause him problems (Seroquel had him hallucinating giant spiders, etc). As we here all know, this disorder can be ruthless. I’ll protect him as long as I can but there are moments that I just would like to step back and know that he is safe on his own - no strings attached.

Have a great day!

[Cat_Nip]

I’m not even a year in and not sure how much more I can take!

[Sando]

One. Day. At. A. Time.