I love my sz son very much. I am here for him and I do everything that I can for him. He had been doing so good for the last few months and tonight he just suddenly hates me. We had a meaningless argument and he ended up calling the cops on me accusing me of being violent and pushing him. He wanted me to be arrested…he said I do nothing for him. He doesn’t need me. That I’m dumb. I am just so exhausted. Sorry…I’m venting.
Hi Lisa. Sorry to hear of your troubles… and I get it. I too struggle often with violent outbursts an outrageous accusations from my SZ partner fairly frequently. Malicious cruel stuff. I try and remind myself that it’s the disease. It’s hard though. I tell myself it’s just him ‘confabulating’, trying to create scenarios for himself that justify and validate his delusions and/false beliefs. But if we’re honest, really, it’s still slander, it’s lies, it’s still at our personal expense, it can be emotional and psychologically and sometimes physically abusive… and oh man is it draining. We are left to take the hits and pick up the pieces. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that right now. How’s your situation? Is your son medicated? Are the police aware of his condition? Is there anyplace you can go for a little while or anything you can do to spend time nurturing yourself?
Thoughts are with you…
This is very difficult to deal with. Remember to take time for yourself…It’s necessary to vent. Necessary to take time away, maybe find a friend who can help you in real life either by sitting in for you so you can go out to a dinner/movie or hotel to simply be alone and have a break. hang in there and try to come up with some activities you can do, or get away from, to give yourself peace. The sentence that stuck out to me most was : I am here for him and I do everything that I can for him. Perhaps that increases his frustration. Everyone wants to do _____ themselves. I have also been guilty of enabling my husband by doing all I can FOR him, rather than letting him do what he is able to do, in his own way. Step back. How old is your son? What is he able to do himself that you do for him? You have to have boundaries as well, especially regarding the aforementioned behavior. It’s harder for him to communicate. My suggestion for this would be to stick to your boundaries firmly, not angrily. Do your best not to react, even in your body language. Try to walk him through the communication process. When he has calmed down from an outburst explain to him how that only hurts him and you. You still don’t know what to do, or what is wrong. Ask him to tell you. Likely it is easier for him to tell you in text, not in person. So have him email you or text your phone and try to explain what made him frustrated…so for example. He gets mad an lashes out. you calmly distance yourself from it, physically if necessary. Let him react and calm down. Then you address the problem directly and calmly while he can still remember it. Maybe you can write 5 questions (why were you angry? Why did you throw this or that? What did I do that upset you? what can I do to help it not happen again? etc) for him on a paper and hand it to him when he has calmed down. this will eliminate the confrontation, which can be a trigger. If there is a way he feels comfortable communicating with you, it will help. Tolerating outbursts wont.
Hope it helps… Much love
Thank you so much. This is very helpful. I do need to remind myself that I need to leave him alone when he is angry and not react to his words or actions. I need to stop doing everything for him and I need to step back and not ‘baby’ him.
I appreciate your words of advice. Thank you.
I did let the police know about his condition before they arrived. They were able to calm him down and thankfully it didn’t escalate to anything serious. But I still feel so heartbroken and disappointed. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s his illness, it’s not him. It’s so hard to separate the two.
I keep on top of his medication and it seems he has been taking it, but, he could also be pretending to take it. I don’t know
I’m sorry you are going through the same thing with your significant other. Sending hugs. Thank you.
I’m so sorry. I recently got out of an 11 year relationship because I just couldn’t do it anymore. But when it’s your child? I cant imagine. I can only suggest support groups and try to do self care for yourself. And pray. God never sleeps. Hugs.
so hard to do…i have a very hard time with this too…(stepping away when angry) you’re not alone. It’s natural to want to help those we love. It’s very nice you were able to get assistance from the cops and that it didn’t go the other way. That is so nice.
Maybe you can come up with an activity for yourself to do when he gets angry? When I need to step back from something and/or stop being involved I have something I can go do or work on, read a book, meditate, pray, listen to youtube videos about sz and psychology or something. Usually my mind won’t let me get off the topic at hand so to focus on something else is very difficult…prayer helps…learning how to calm the mind and focus on just breathing and relaxing your muscles. Taking the time to have a cup of hot tea and simply sit and feel it in your hands, smell it, feel the steam on your face, break down the moment to help withdraw from the stress… It’s a loooottt of work but it really does help!
When I am emotionally exhausted, it is very much harder to keep my anger in check. I lose it sometimes… still, after years of trying not to sweat the small stuff. Just had an argument with my daughter 3 days ago when going to walk the dog over to shut or not shut the gate… dumb argument.
It is totally OK to come here and vent. Totally and 100% OK to come here and vent.
Welcome to the site!
I like the idea of writing out the questions… no confrontation, loved one doesn’t feel threatened, and if/when they come to a ‘better place’, gives them an option to communicate without too much effort (yes or no questions maybe? Keep it simple…? )
These are all great suggestions. I will try this.
An update: he’s been acting like nothing happened & is back to being nice and helpful.
Caring for a loved one with sz is not easy. I don’t think anyone ever gets used to it.
Thank you! I’m so glad I joined. Reading the responses has helped me so much. Sending hugs
‘God never sleeps’ I love that. Thank you for the reminder. I know I am not alone; He is there always.
Hugs back! I’m glad you joined too. Glad your son is back on an even keel. My daughter used to go through cycles: good, medium, bad, medium, bad, good, etc.
Yes, reading here is the best thing a person can do if they aren’t sure what actions to take (or what actions not to take) to help themselves help their loved ones.
So sorry to hear. When I read these posts my heart breaks as we all go thru so much trying our best to care for our loved ones.
My unofficially adopted son that I have tried to help for 9 yrs. is coming to an end as his behavior is too much and he does not understand that. At the end of this month (if he gets that far) will be homeless in the cold and it breaks my heart. His constant insults, nastiness, accusing me of doing things against him, that I am working with police, probation against him is too much. He has been removed from my home, my mothers home and now living in my husbands utility room (we are sep) due to his drinking and threatening behavior. I took him to his PO appt. on Tues and he was so disrespectful and nasty that I can no longer take it. He was given a eviction notice, even though he was told 6 months ago he had to find other options, he does NOTHING to help himself and when you ask him, he gets mean and tells us NOT to be in his business that he is a grown man but yet totally depends on us and he refuses to acknowledge that. Tells his sister in another state not to speak to us cuz we are working against him. I have tried everything, he took me off his ROI so I can no longer communicate with his therapist either. I feel so helpless, as I have told his therapist; I feel like I am watching my loved one drown with my hands tied. I am also angry as I have tried so hard and nothing has worked, he now has to be removed again with nowhere to go and no support, he cannot see that. Thank you all for caring for our loved ones. BLESS YOU!!!
That does work but of course he is likely capable of responding to dep conversations, like my husband…it just simply has to be put in a different way… that’s why the texting works for us. I usually try to explain why i am “concerned” or “bothered” by ______ and then pose the question. “what do you think?” “how do you feel?” something open ended to give him room to think and respond. Yes and no questions…perhaps for many things this is fine, but it is limiting to the responder.
Think of it like this maybe… When you talk to him or confront him about a problem, it’s seen as an attack. Something he has to be defensive about. As if real world interaction is too overstimulating and stressful. I found with my husband that this goes away through text…makes it much easier for him to not misunderstand or misinterpret. PLUS you have the added bonus of having the text feed. If he glitches and get’s upset over something he imagines is there, you can calmly have him read the history of the convo. It’s difficult for sz to hold focus on a topic for a long time. Sometimes I can talk to my husband about something for 10 minutes, sometimes I can’t get through a sentence before he has misunderstood. Depends on the brain that day. Vitamins help stabalize, and remember sz do need much more sleep than others. Hope it helps. communication is key. That’s what I always say to hubs.
If you were unable to communicate…if your thoughts got jumbled up on the way out and ended up being something you didn’t intend… and if the stress of real life confrontation (which could be any kind of spoken contact) it would be very frustrating to you as well. Of course…it’s hard to put yourself in his shoes when you’re stressed and upset as well. hehe. Takes time and practice. And sometimes we still fail. but maybe that will help for you to try to think of how experiences are for him. Anger is very common with many disabilities, physical or mental. It’s the natural reaction when we can’t be understood or comfortable.
Typical hehe. It’s hard for sure… You have to “Duck it” (like water runs off a duck’s back, try to learn how to let his outbursts of insanity run off of yours). He is probably acting, and he probably feel awkward and wierd so the best thing to do is pretend it never happened. Confrontation is not a thing sz’s enjoy…But if you feel the problem needs to be addressed and discussed or fixed…I would urge you to find the appropriate time and sit him down and discuss it calmly. hopefully within 24 hours of the issue…otherwise he will have likely forgotten all about it… He has to know your boundaries. It helps to communicate about problems because it also lessens the occurrences. It takes a great deal of repetition but. try try again…
You dont deserve any of that abuse. I am so sorry. Sometimes no matter how much we love someone it isnt going to change the situation.
Pray for him. And do lots of self care for yourself.
I will be praying for you too.
Thank you Susan. I appreciate and need that.
My heart breaks for him. His PO just again advised me yesterday to stay away from him for now as his perception of things are so skewed and he has had a violent history. I know in my heart there is nothing else humanly possible for me to do. His sister called me 2 days ago from another state telling me to also kick him out and stay away as he was telling her that I am doing things to him and working with sheriff to put him away, she tried to defend me as she knows how much and how long we have tried to help and he got mad at her and starting verbally attacking her for defending me. She said he has always been this way and his adoptive family had to also send him away due to his abuse and disregard for boundaries. Makes me angry that people have to live with this illness, it is not their fault and without him acknowledging any issues, he will receive zero help. It is never his fault but everyone else in his mind. Stay safe everyone and Bless you all for hanging in there. God knows I have tried and will continue to do whatever I can for him if that opportunity comes.
The best thing I did with my sz daughter was to just accept the fact I could not do everything to help her. She would often turn things around and accuse me of things I would never do. So, I guess what I have done is stepped back, a lot and take care of me and my partner. She calls me more often now and I am careful what I say, but remain positive. Sad to say but she has changed so its kind of a new , relationship. I can say I am much less stressed , since I have stepped back and take care of me.-Julie