Hello, My fiance came downstairs yesterday around 530pm and was yelling where is she, did she leave. I was sitting on the couch watching TV. He lunged toward me and tried to flip over my end table which has glass. Everything including pop, crystal etc on it went flying. He moved toward my brother and started kicking the couch. My brother called 911 and my fiance went back upstairs and slammed the doors numerous times…I thought the doors were going to break. He put on his coat and walked to his sisters house. Police came and I told them he might be at his sisters or his storage room. They called me and said he was going to spend the night over there. Today I didnt hear from him and I called him but no answer, same with his sisters no answer. I drove by his storage room where he keeps his car because of his paranoia and he was inside his car parked outside of the storage room. He couldn’t bring it inside because he never changed the time on his watch or his car and the gate closes at 10:00. He showed up almost 11. He is going to stay in his car. I called 911 and the same officer came by and told me that yesterday he was told by my fiance Jerry that he was never coming back. When I saw Jerry he was screaming like a demon and opening and closing his car door over and over. saying I was the devil and I was trying to kill him, that I killed his family etc. Yesterday he said he wanted to find his brothers church and burn it down. The police went over to where he is parked and talked to him. He told him that he was never coming back and that he was going to call them so he can pick up his things. He told the officer that he was not going to harm himself or anyone. The officer called me and was short with me. Hers the thing… a few days ago another episode. He grabbed me screamed right into my ear and held me there, then he threatened to do it a few seconds later as I went toy bedroom and lock the door he came out of his room and I sat on the rug holding my ears and he said to me fo ahead and cover your ears and grabbed my face and covered my mouth and nose and said dont breathe. He also punched my brother in the chest because I came back from the store and Jerry turned off the power to the garage and I couldn’t pull my car in. I called my brother to turn on the switch and Jerry came running down the stairs saying why did you let her in and I came in to a total chaos. I did not tell the police because I didnt want him to go to jail. No the police think he is ok. 211 lifeline tonight told me if I told the police now that it would look like I was just retaliating. Now I wait and see what happens.
Report the abuse. Get a restraining order. He sounds very dangerous.
I am sorry you are going through this, but when our loved ones are breaking the laws about assault and battery, or other laws, it really doesn’t do good for ourselves to NOT report it. You could be putting yourself in danger of more physical abuse if you cover up what he is doing. If he DOES get arrested and go to jail, that is a great opportunity to talk to a judge and see if your loved one can be court ordered onto medication for his condition. That could change everything for the better. Allowing him to hurt you is perhaps a sign that you need to talk to someone yourself, like a therapist. Same thing for your brother, your loved one should NOT hurt either of you. Assault is a crime: threatening harm. Battery is a crime: touching another against their will. Certainly hitting someone is a crime. You cannot allow that type of behavior.
I know I made a mistake. I was so upset I couldn’t think straight. He left the house and is staying in his car and storage room. His mental abuse has me not knowing if I’m coming or going. I have so many balls on the air and they are all a very high priority so hopefully very soon I will call to get myself some help. You are very right and I wish I was thinking clearly but with very little appetite and sleep it is extremely hard.
Contact your mental health department and see what you need to take out an ex parte order. You may need a witness to go with you BUT you also need to find out how long its good for once its signed by the judge. Then, if he starts up again, the police have no choice but to recognize the court order and take him to a Crisis Stabilization Unit.
Don’t put yourself in jeopardy - life is w-a-y too short for that.
Sometimes the answer is simple: You have to walk out of this relationship.
Lax, please get away from him before he kills you and/or your brother. You are not doing him any favors by not telling the police about his assault. Jail isn’t the only option, however. He is clearly dangerous. I don’t know the law in your jurisdiction, but where I am you can do an involuntary commitment for at least a few days by giving an affidavit before a judge. There must be a mental health hot line or something that can walk you through the process. In any case, you MUST separate from him physically and emotionally. This is a very disturbing co-dependent relationship. You are being physically and mentally abused and yet you stay with him and continue to nurture his illness. I have been in such a relationship and I know it is so very hard to recognize how sick it is —how sick YOU are when you are in it. Get away from him and heal yourself before it’s too late.
I know what you are saying and a friend had his son arrested and he spent 3 month in county jail, he was beaten really bad then sent to a state hospital So I’m freaking out. I have a serious problem with stress and this is making me not only mentally but physically sick. I worry so much about him. I am no longer sure where he is. He wont answer my calls Nothing…the paranoia and voices took control. Even a few days before he left he would look right though me when I talked to him. He became enranged over absolutely nothing. I am so afraid!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know first hand as well the abuse and cycle, it is devastating for all. When you love that person, it is difficult to call and have them arrested. I had to do this several times and my (unofficially adopted son) whom I have assisted for almost 10 yrs. now has blamed me for everything as he cannot take responsibility for himself and actions. He now has so much resentment for me, he is very emotionally abusive and escalates quickly, says the most hateful things, etc. Then he gets around others and is quite charming. Therapist said it is because he feels safe around me. WTH… Just recently, he finally got a job, I assisted in getting him a room to rent and have stayed away as he rudely told me not to be involved with his life. I have honored that as difficult as it is because I care and want him healthy, he insists he is doing great. However just found out that he did not show up for work and no call, they gave him a warning and his landlady already reached out to me as he talked her into letting him move in with 0 money but would pay her upon payday, which he did but I know his history. Only a matter of time before he cannot sustain work, life and then it all goes bad.
I also know from experience that the mental health Dr.s will only assist if he admits he is in danger to himself or others. This is so frustrating as the courts here know his history and know me from all the calls and reaching out. I also am familiar with the resources as it is part of my job as a youth coach for former foster youth. It is almost impossible to get them to assist unless they have broken the law in some way. So with that being said, you NEED to call and report the incidences so it is on record and hopefully in time they will hold him. Unfortunately jail is the worst place for MI and being properly treated but at least you are safe. I have repeatedly told therapist, Dr. courts, jail, etc. it is like watching a loved one drown while you are standing there with your hands tied. It is excruciating and our systems need to do a better job of helping these people. They will never ask for help, especially my son as he has Anosognosia and insists he is fine, and in addition to the HIPPA laws that are NOT helpful to these people, it is criminal in my opinion to ignore what we know to be true, that these people need help and we should be giving it to them. Please stay safe!
Perhaps you should use this time while he is away to seek some “me” time for yourself. Stop trying to reach him. It may be best to concentrate on your own healing and independence. If this relationship is unhealthy for you, (and too much worry IS unhealthy), the time alone might help you sort out what is best for YOU.
I was with an abusive lover for quite a while before I figured out that my love for him was NOT going to make him be nice to me. I finally was able to move on, but the emotional turmoil for me took over 2 years to heal. Please put your OWN health, happiness and safety first.
I am so sorry you are going through this, you are not alone. Please, slow down, breathe, try to ground yourself. Meditate, there are apps that can talk you through. Not sleeping and eating well will negatively affect your thoughts and decisions. I’ve been through the abusive behavior if others, it’s hard to find the truth. Look at this as if it was someone else, a friend or loved one telling you all these details. What would you tell that person? No one should suffer at the the hands of another. There is no excuse, absolute. You are hurting yourself, your family and the person who is harming you. Does not mean you don’t love and care for the person. The old tough love, make decisions that are best for you and for him or her. You will protect yourself, your family and the person will get the necessary treatment they need. But to let it go on, it’s like having an open wound that dies not heal and you keep re opening it. Make a decision, the right decision, and do not go back. Stick to it, no matter how hard it is. It’s going to be hard and painful either way. Do the right thing, don’t think about it, don’t doubt yourself, stay strong, and we are all here to support you❤️
Laz, my dear, I mean this with the utmost respect. You are co-dependent. I suggest you join a group and read a book called Co-dependent No More. The author’s last name is Beatty I believe. You should be changing your locks, and thanking God he’s gone—not looking for him.
And by the way, I have had to have my son arrested several times. He is safer in jail than on the street. He is in jail now, actually, and his lawyer is tying to get him in a state run facility fir mentally ill drug abusers. He will get treatment their. Maybe not the best treatment in the world, but better than nothing.
I never did things like this when I was sick. I would have been put in jail immediately, and in hindsight that would have probably been the best option.
I spent 5 months in solitary after getting arrested back in 2015 when I first got sick. It was really hard on me but at least my mom knew where I was and there was no risk of me becoming a lost homeless person. By the time I got out I was already starting to gain my insight back, and within a year or two I had recovered from all delusions and paranoia.
I wish everyone with this disease could have the same results I’ve had.
My brother is now sick with the disease and refuses treatment. It’s weird to have been on both sides of the situation. If he was treating someone in my family like this, sick or not, I’d have him arrested. I mean what else can you do?
Its so hard because hes not like this. He’s scared and i know the real him. Its almoat like hes possessed. I cant reason with him at all anymore. If he keeps threatening me about other people and once in a while me then the police will be involved once again. i am so glad you have insight. Really, I believe that ia the trigger thqt starts this whole war. I wish medial science could actually prove it to people who have sz and maybe there would be no denying it. Maybe!
I agree with you but when it ia escalated my thought process goes out the window. My brother, when he was staying here, was provoking him and my brother has a history of anger problems. One nignt in January my brother was on the computer (which he is addicted to) refused to tuen it off near 3am. We agreed midnight but he started taking advantage. I disconnected my router and my so called brother grabbed by non healed broken arm and tried to take away my property. He knocked all of the glass out of my center and almoat knocked my tv over. After he left my fiance juat started to calm down umtil he received a summons from my brother for 2nd degree harassment. Ecer since he received the summons things are very bad once again.!!!
The hospital kept my fiance after a MHA for less than 15 hours. I called the next morning and the hospital told me he was being discharged. He had nowhere to go so I picked him up. He was calm until the summons. Now what do I do.???
Have you a NAMI near you? Their family to family course is THE BEST as they give you unbiased information to help you deal with a loved one’s mental illness. How long has this illness been affecting your loved one?
I have lookedninto NAMI nutbotbuars to find a space where he cant hear me. We have been together goingn on 43 years this July. The last 5-6 years off meds completely. What a nightmare!
43 years is a long time. How old is he? It sounds like the behavior of a much younger person.
Wow 43 years! I didn’t know that. That’s a very long time to be with another person, I haven’t even been alive that long. I can see now why you’re so attached. Best of luck to you, you’re in my prayers.